17 Troubling Relationship Conflict Patterns & Its Remedies

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A relationship conflict occurs when people dispute something they feel passionate about. Differences in partnerships often relate to values, needs, and perceptions of an idea. Numerous reasons are critical to each person at the moment and can contribute to the union’s long-term success once resolved.

Conflict in romantic relationships is natural and healthy for a couple. Any two people who enjoy a long-term union share passion and varied emotions in the day-to-day that sometimes erupt depending on life circumstances. 

If these were internalized, it would damage the partnership, most likely resulting in its demise.

The problem is not having unhealthy conflict in relationships; it’s how partners manage the patterns of conflict. When these are handled with positivity and respect, a couple can grow closer and ultimately strengthen their bond as partners. 

What are patterns of conflict in a relationship?

All relationships endure relationship conflict periodically. When individuals attempt to coexist in a romantic partnership for a long-term commitment, there will be occasional personality conflicts in relationships. 

It’s normal and healthy to release passionate emotions and opinions instead of leaving them to fester. The problem is how you manage the negative conflict.

Unfortunately, no one can dictate or determine how a partner will respond to an argument. You can only manage your own behavior. That means there can be potential damage if you’re not both on the same page of healthy management techniques.

Over time, partners will begin to notice conflict patterns that each tends toward when they disagree. Once the two of you identify these patterns of conflicts in relationships, it arms you with the “evidence” you need to argue more constructively since you’ll be aware of your tendencies.

Relationship conflict patterns will differ for each couple and can comprise any number of common scenarios that a couple repeats each time an argument or dispute arises.

Look for this book on high conflict to gain some insight.

What are common causes of conflict in a relationship?

While relationship conflicts are a normal part of life, especially in romantic partnerships, it takes two people to create the couple’s conflict. That makes you as responsible as your partner for the problem. 

In order to find conflict resolution in a relationship, you need to work on your own behavior instead of focusing on what the other person might be doing wrong in your eyes. 

If you pay attention, subtle changes you make will impact your partner’s actions, generally resulting in changes with them as well. Try this exercise in intimacy conflict. Some causes of conflict include:

• Disorganization/Messiness
• Finances
• Homebody/Social
• Punctual
• Control

17 conflict patterns that destroy a relationship

When partners develop relationship conflict patterns, it can be challenging to break these habits each time a dispute erupts. 

It seems these are the go-to behaviors, and if neither person attempts to make changes, the partnership is at risk. Some destructive conflict examples include: 

1. Truth

Someone always needs to be right, while the other person has to be wrong. How about if each of you has a good point and you let the other know that? When you look at it that way, it has the potential to diffuse the argument. 

2. Hidden agenda

When you show anger and frustration to your partner over behavior that genuinely benefits you behind the scenes, that’s unfair and causes distress needlessly. This dishonesty has the potential to damage what could otherwise be a healthy partnership.

If working late is allowing you some private time to enjoy personal interests or merely have some space alone, let your partner know that with full disclosure instead of pretending their lateness makes you angry. Be upfront so your partner doesn’t stress while having an already trying evening.

3. Shame/pride

It can be challenging to be vulnerable even with a partner, so it can be painful when a partner points out shortcomings. That causes a defensive reaction and walls to go up. 

Everyone needs to be able to face up to their weaknesses. It, in turn, adds to our strength. There’s no shame in being vulnerable, especially with your significant other, nor should you feel that you need to hide what you might be least proud of from them.

4. Blame

It’s effortless to point the finger, so there’s nothing for you to do to fix the problem, nor do you need to feel guilty about the situation. In fact, you have control and a sense of “moral superiority.” 

But does that truly feel good if it’s not warranted? Again, it takes two people to establish a healthy relationship and two to create relationship conflict. It would help if you focused on your changes for genuine resolution, or there could be a resultant irreparable damage relationship.

5. Control

It’s natural for people to desire power even in intimate partnerships; it’s instinctual, and often, one person does take the “lead” role in a family situation. 

But each person must be treated with love, respect, equality, and empathy regardless of who feels they have that “head” spot in the household. 

6. Assuming the worst instead of seeing the best

An example of this pattern is someone who assumes that their partner continually shows up late strictly to be disrespectful because they know the problem this behavior causes. A presumption of this sort carries the label of “confirmation bias.”

That is the pattern when an individual picks and chooses moments to prove their case but ignores instances that might prove otherwise and dissuade the argument. Perhaps your partner is early more often than late, but those tardies bring out the aggression.

It’s essential to see the good instead of always focusing on the bad.

7. Character attacks

Assuming that a character flaw is responsible for the reasons someone shows up late on what you believe is a consistent basis is another pattern that’s unhealthy. 

You place yourself in the seat of judge and jury, labeling your partner as a procrastinator, unorganized, easily distracted, plus someone who lacks caring and respect for his partner.

Needless to say, the circumstances for the occasional lateness were out of your partner’s hands, with either the boss calling a late meeting or the cab breaking down. Unfortunately, these “excuses” are unacceptable for someone who finds themself perfect with everything under control but their partner is a mess.

8. Overstating the circumstances

Again, in the example of being late occasionally, when this is presented as a situation that always happens, a partner retaliates with the notion that you still never recognize the positive they do for the partnership. 

These “facts” are merely intensifications of assumptions that, if thought about reasonably, are untrue. 

Instead of using such inflated terminology, the argument should be an “I feel as though you do this a lot” minus the “always” so a “never” retaliation doesn’t come into the equation.

9. Threats and ultimatums

Too often, partners will turn to ultimatums or threats in an effort to get a partner to submit to their way of thinking in an argument. 

The pattern is exceptionally destructive since, after using this method frequently, a partner will call their partner on the ultimatum after growing tired of the threats, usually of a breakup or divorce.

10. Silent treatment

Unresolved conflict in relationships generally occurs when one person chooses silent treatment over effective communication. When the issues aren’t addressed, instead internalized and left to fester, there’s a greater likelihood that the partnership will fail.

When you speak your mind with open, honest communication, each person has the opportunity to clear up any misperceptions with a better chance of resolving the relationship conflict.

11. Anger and complaints

Anger and aggression can become toxic if not managed appropriately. Many partners tend to grow angry and complain if they believe the other person isn’t pulling their weight or is irresponsible in some way. 

Sitting down and having a calm conversation is much healthier and would likely produce better results—relationship conflict styles like this cause someone to leave the situation.

12. Pressure and stress

When you have a partner who is not forthcoming with details about a particular situation, the last thing you want to do is pressure them for the information. That will merely lead to their becoming more defiant and close-mouthed. 

In turn, you will start to distrust your partner due to their lack of transparency, leading to a much more conflictual relationship. A partner will share when they feel the time is right and know how to share the information. 

No one should attempt to force someone to speak before they’re ready. A partnership will suffer for that behavior.

13. Contempt

Contempt is not attractive. It’s mean-spirited and takes you beyond a relationship conflict and into gradual destruction. No one likes to be taunted or teased. When you do these things, you’re demeaning, insulting, and mocking someone that you’re supposed to love and care for. 

This behavior implies that you feel you’re in some way superior when, in fact, you’re merely a bully headed for a breakup or divorce.

14. Keeping tabs

When you have two people who feel they constantly give while the other is neglectful, and they each keep tally of what they provide, it can grow into a significant conflict relationship. 

Resentment develops since the resolution is virtually impossible with the back and forth over who gave more. It’s a never-ending competition with no winner. This is a case where individuals need to focus on gratitude and appreciation. Without those things, the partnership has no hope of thriving.

15. Escalating

Some types of conflict in relationships seem harmless in the beginning. You might begin with what appears to be constructive communication, but as the conversation goes on, it escalates into a disagreement, into an argument, into an entire blown-out conflict. 

You can’t maintain healthy communication throughout without it developing into a problem.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re on the path to a failed partnership if you can determine where or why one or both of you become triggered. Once you figure that out, you can work on resolving that underlying issue and move forward with an effective conversation. 

16. Avoidance and withdrawal

This pattern occurs when one or both partners consistently avoid addressing conflicts or difficult topics, choosing instead to withdraw from the conversation or situation. This can lead to unresolved issues piling up, as neither party is actively working towards a solution. 

Over time, this avoidance can erode the foundation of the relationship, as important topics are left unaddressed, and partners may feel disconnected or unimportant to each other.

17. Over-dependence and lack of independence

In this pattern, one partner may become overly dependent on the other for emotional support, decision-making, or validation. This can place a significant burden on the other partner and lead to feelings of resentment or suffocation. 

Conversely, the dependent partner may struggle with self-esteem and autonomy, leading to an imbalance in the relationship dynamic. Establishing healthy boundaries and encouraging individual growth can help mitigate this pattern.

5 tips for breaking conflict patterns in relationships

Swimming through the turbulent waters of relationship conflicts requires not just love and patience but also effective communication and understanding. Here are five detailed tips for breaking conflict patterns that can help partners emerge stronger from their disputes.

1. Practice active listening

Active listening is crucial in resolving relationship conflict examples, as it involves fully concentrating on what your partner is saying, understanding their message, responding appropriately, and remembering the conversation. This method ensures both partners feel heard and understood, which is essential in mending rifts. 

Active listening involves non-verbal cues such as nodding and eye contact and verbal signals like repeating back what you’ve heard to confirm understanding.

2. Focus on the issue, not the person

To prevent conflict in a relationship from escalating, it’s essential to concentrate on the specific behaviors or situations causing distress rather than attacking your partner’s character. This approach keeps the conversation productive and prevents defensiveness. 

Framing concerns around behaviors rather than personal attributes encourages a more objective and less accusatory dialogue.

3. Use ‘I’ statements

Employing ‘I’ statements is a powerful way to communicate feelings and needs without casting blame. 

In a relationship conflict example, saying “I feel overlooked when decisions are made without me” instead of “You never ask for my opinion” can lead to a more constructive response. This strategy fosters a safer environment for open communication.

4. Take breaks when needed

In some relationship conflict scenarios, emotions can escalate quickly. Recognizing when to take a break and step away from the discussion can prevent harmful escalations. It’s crucial, however, to return to the conversation after cooling down to ensure the issue is resolved, maintaining the health and longevity of the relationship.

To learn more about why relationships sometimes need breaks, watch this video:

5. Seek to understand before being understood

In every conflict in a relationship, it’s beneficial to strive to understand your partner’s perspective before seeking to be understood yourself. This approach can lead to greater empathy and compromise. 

By genuinely attempting to see the other’s point of view, you can approach the conflict with greater compassion and work together toward a solution.

FAQs

Conflicts between couples are a common part of relationships. Understanding their roots and solutions can foster healthier interactions.

• What causes conflict between couples?

Conflict between couples often stems from misunderstandings, unmet expectations, and differences in values or beliefs. Poor communication, financial stress, jealousy, and lack of time together also contribute significantly to disagreements and dissatisfaction within the relationship.

• How do you deal with conflict with your partner?

Dealing with conflict involves open communication, active listening, and empathy. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings, express your own without blame, and seek common ground. Implementing a solution that respects both parties’ needs and maintaining a positive, respectful attitude towards each other is crucial for resolution.

• How do you resolve conflict between two people?

Resolving conflict between two people requires active listening, understanding both perspectives and finding a mutually acceptable solution. It involves clear communication, avoiding blame, and focusing on the issue rather than personal attacks. Compromise and collaboration are key to creating a resolution that satisfies both parties.

• What are the seven ways to deal with conflicts?

The seven ways to deal with conflicts include practicing active listening, expressing yourself clearly and respectfully, seeking to understand before being understood, focusing on the issue, not the person, agreeing to disagree when necessary, using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘You’ statements, and seeking compromise or collaboration to find a solution.

Final thought

If finding common ground becomes an insurmountable challenge, seeking couples counseling is a prudent measure to prevent the deterioration of your relationship. 

Professional therapists can help both partners identify underlying conflict patterns and equip them with essential communication tools and strategies. This expert guidance is invaluable in fostering healthier interactions and reinforcing the bond between partners, paving the way for a more fulfilling and resilient relationship.