23 Alarming Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship

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Healthy relationships often allow both partners to grow and become the best version of themselves. This is usually possible because they are both intentional about making the relationship work despite the challenges and conflicts.

However, relationships can become unbearable for some individuals. Such relationships can make the parties involved unhappy and unproductive. Unhealthy relationships can negatively affect your health, well-being, and overall happiness.

In this article, we will identify the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship and proffer some solutions on what to do if you find yourself in one.

What does an unhealthy relationship mean?

So, what is an unhealthy relationship?

An unhealthy relationship has repeated behaviors, habits, or activities that make the union unbearable for any spouse. Usually, in an unhealthy relationship, one party might be more invested than the other. Additionally, an unhealthy relationship is where any partner refuses to make the relationship work deliberately.

To understand unhealthy relationships, check out this research study by Prince Chiagozie Ekoh and other authors titled Unhealthy romantic relationships among young people, as it sheds more light on different features of unhealthy romantic unions. 

What is the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships?

Let’s try to understand healthy vs unhealthy relationships in simple terms. 

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication, where both partners feel valued and supported. 

In contrast, unhealthy relationships often show qualities of an unhealthy relationship, such as a lack of respect, poor communication, and controlling behaviors. 

Red flags of an unhealthy relationship include feeling drained, constant conflict without resolution, and feeling undervalued.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, says

Some additional red flags might be feeling disrespected, resentful, and unsatisfied with your partner.

Recognizing these signs is crucial for understanding the dynamics of your relationship and deciding the best path forward.

Read more about the differentiating factors of healthy and unhealthy relationships here.

23 characteristics of an unhealthy relationship

Not everyone can identify whether they are in an unhealthy relationship or not. In a healthy relationship, there is an authentic connection between the partners who respect, love and believe in one another.

However, an unhealthy relationship is the opposite of everything a healthy relationship stands for.

Here are some of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship:

1. Control

Control is one of the unhealthy relationship characteristics to look out for. This happens when one partner exerts influence and control over the activities of their spouse. For example, they can decide who to hang out with, chat with on their social media platforms, etc.

Additionally, such partners might decide who gets to be their friends and even select a few of their family members to communicate with. When you discover that your partner controls every aspect of your life, you are in an unhealthy relationship.

2. Physical abuse

When one partner takes pleasure in physically abusing their spouse, you can be sure that it is one of the qualities of a bad relationship. However, genuinely loving and caring for your partner will ensure they experience no harm.

However, if one partner continues to inflict harm and later apologize while reaffirming their love, it is an unhealthy relationship. Physical abuse without changing, it is a sign of a dangerous marriage, and not solely an unhealthy one. 

3. Emotional abuse

One of the underrated characteristics of an unhealthy relationship is emotional abuse. This involves features like gaslighting, guilt-tripping, trivializing pain and fears, unrealistic expectations, blaming you for their problems, etc.

Partners who display emotional abuse usually make their spouses feel like they cannot survive without them. So they set up measures to ensure that their partner keeps coming back to them while shutting out everyone in their lives. 

4. Dishonesty

When partners keep information from one another or lie about them, it is one of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship. It means that they don’t value one another enough to tell them the truth or let them know what is taking place in their individual lives. 

If you love and respect your partner, you will not keep anything hidden from them, irrespective of the consequences.  

5. Disrespect

One of the highlights of a healthy relationship is respect. This is when you accept your partner for who they are. So, even though they don’t agree with you or vice-versa, you respect their emotions and feelings.

When they complain to you about something, you don’t invalidate their feelings because you respect them. However, if our partner does not recognize your importance and individuality, it means that they don’t respect you, which is one of the traits of an unhealthy relationship.

6. Sexual violence

When a partner is forced into having sexual relations with their spouse against their consent, it is one of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship. This means that your partner does not treasure your body and will do anything to get their way with you.

Also, when it comes to sexual relations in a relationship, it should be consensual. However, when one party keeps forcing the other person against their will, it is a violation of their rights, and it is one of the unhealthy relationship traits.

7. Manipulation

If you are dating someone who keeps coming up with strategies for you to do what they want, it is one of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship.

Manipulation can take different forms, but the result is that you will keep doing what they want against your will.

Maggie Martinez adds,

In this situation, you may respond to subtle threats that you know will have big consequences if you go against them.

So when you notice this is a regular feature in your relationship, you must tread carefully because you’re most likely in an unhealthy union.

Want to know how to identify manipulation in a relationship? Watch this video to know how a person gets manipulated:

8. Isolation

Have you discovered that your partner dictates the type of people you hang out with? If you stay around people your partner disapproves of, they will be upset. When you observe signs similar to this, it is one of the examples of an unhealthy relationship.

Your partner might even go to the extent of isolating you from your loved ones, thereby denying you of your individuality. Being isolated from people who also care about you can affect your emotional health in the long run.

9. No boundaries

Partners in healthy relationships have boundaries that help keep them in check. These boundaries include respect for their partner’s emotions, individuality, expression of ideas, private space, etc.

Even though a relationship can thrive when all the parties are deliberately involved, boundaries must be established to promote mutual respect and understanding. Without boundaries, the relationship might get draining, and the parties might not be interested in making things work.

10. Lack of trust

If partners don’t trust each other, it is one of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship. Partners are supposed to establish faith and give each other the benefit of the doubt. When one partner feels they cannot be trusted, it can discourage their involvement in the relationship.

A happy and healthy relationship thrives on trust because this builds loyalty in the long run. An unhealthy relationship is always laced with suspicion because either party may assume different things about their partner when it is not true.

11. Unrealistic expectations

One of the qualities of an unhealthy relationship is when you always expect too much from your partner. You have ignored their individuality and set high standards for them. Unfortunately, it also implies that you have decided to focus only on their strengths and ignore their weaknesses.

To prevent your relationship from becoming unhealthy, avoid setting high expectations that will be difficult for your partner to meet.

If you want your partner to do something, you can communicate it lovingly to them and see if they will be up for it. However, it is important not to assume that your partner will work towards all your expectations.

12. No purpose in the relationship

Each relationship comes with its goals and vision. Many relationship experts advise that you date someone whose goals align with yours because it becomes easy to fulfill a purpose that way.

However, when you discover that the relationship is not moving in any purposeful direction, you might need to rethink it because it is not healthy. This means you and your partner are not working towards anything that will change your lives and those around you.

A relationship without purpose might make any partners less committed because nothing motivates them to continue.

13. Poor communication

If you are in a relationship, one of the habits you must maintain is good communication. It is important to communicate with your partner about everything that concerns you and the relationship. If communication is poor, misunderstanding and assumptions will occur.

Additionally, there will be regular criticisms and conflicts when both parties don’t understand one another. The relationship becomes less interesting in the long run because the lack of communication can make the union unhealthy.

14. Competition

Some partners in relationships prefer to compete against each other instead of supporting. When you compete with your partner, it becomes unhealthy because you forget to focus on your relationship’s health.

You can become bent on doing better than your partner in different aspects. Anything your partner does can seem like a threat in an unhealthy relationship. In the long run, you will discover that you may not want the best for your partner, which could ruin the relationship.

One of the facts about unhealthy relationships is that, when competition is part of the picture, it can make you see your partner as a rival, and your ultimate goal will be to outdo them. 

15. Cheating

When cheating becomes a regular feature in the relationship and the perpetrator refuses to stop the habit, the relationship is unhealthy.

Unrestrained cheating is different from when your partner cheats on you and promises to stop doing it. If they keep to their word, it means they are deliberate about making the relationship work again.

However, if they go back on their word and keep cheating, it is an unhealthy relationship because they don’t value your presence as their partner. You may keep forgiving them, and they will continue the habit because they don’t respect you.

16. Obsession

If you are wondering what an unhealthy relationship looks like, one of the signs to look out for is obsessive behavior. When your feelings for your partner get to the point where you are obsessed with them, the relationship is unhealthy.

Obsession is that overwhelming feeling that shows that your world revolves around your partner. You love them for a fact; however, the sense of obligation you have towards them is intense. Therefore, you are likely to lose your individuality because of them. 

Maggie Martinez comments,

This can lead to an unhealthy power dynamic that is difficult to get out of.

17. Absence of emotional intimacy

When emotional intimacy is missing in a relationship, it would be hard for partners to be committed to each other. Beyond sexual or romantic intimacy, which is important for a relationship, couples need to be emotionally bonded to each other. 

When they face any challenge, they usually like to know that their partner will always be emotionally available to them.  

18. Malice/grudges

One factor that makes a relationship unhealthy is unforgiveness. This happens when partners are not open to forgiving each other and letting go of the hurt or pain their spouse caused them. When partners keep malice, neither of them might feel secure or intimate with each other.

19. Lack of physical affection

Physical affection indicates a healthy relationship where both partners are satisfied. However, one of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship is when there is little physical affection. This may mean that the partners have grown apart from each other, and they are no longer intentional about the relationship.

20. Consistent jealousy and insecurity

When there is jealousy in a relationship, the union might not last because it’s an unhealthy feature. Jealousy is often caused by low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth. This happens when partners continually project their fears because their spouse is doing better than them.

The signs of unhealthy relationships suggest that there are some unpleasant effects. In Tricia Orzeck’s research journal titled The Effects of Traumatic and Abusive relationships, you will learn more about what constitutes a traumatic relationship experience. 

21. Financial dependency

One of the unhealthy relationships examples includes financial dependency, where one partner relies entirely on the other for financial support. This dynamic can create a power imbalance, leading to control issues and resentment. Healthy relationships involve a fair and balanced approach to financial responsibilities, promoting independence and mutual respect.

22. Avoidance of difficult conversations

Avoiding tough conversations about feelings, future plans, or issues within the relationship is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. This avoidance can prevent growth and resolution of underlying problems, leading to a buildup of misunderstandings and resentment. Open, honest communication is key to resolving conflicts and strengthening the bond between partners.

23. Constant need for reassurance

An incessant need for reassurance from one’s partner about their love, commitment, or attraction can indicate insecurity and dependence, hallmarks of an unhealthy relationship. While it’s natural to seek occasional reassurance, a constant need can be draining and can indicate deeper issues of self-esteem and trust that need to be addressed.

What to do in an unhealthy relationship?

When you discover that you’re in an unhealthy relationship, your first line of action should not be to walk away from the relationship. Instead, you need to have open and honest communication with your partner about their habits in the relationship. 

However, if you see that your partner doesn’t show signs of changing, you can reach out for professional help before you decide to leave the relationship.

In Delvin Walters’ book titled Toxic Relationships, you will learn how to identify an unhealthy relationship and take action to repair it or leave. 

FAQs 

Understanding the nature of our relationships can sometimes be confusing, leaving us to ponder if we’re on a healthy path or if warning signs are being overlooked. Let’s explore some frequently asked questions that might help clarify these concerns in a straightforward and relatable manner.

• Is my relationship healthy or unhealthy?

A healthy relationship feels supportive, respectful, and empowering, where both partners feel free to be themselves. An unhealthy relationship often involves control, disrespect, or neglect. If you feel drained more than energized, it might be time to evaluate the relationship’s health.

• Why do I avoid healthy relationships?

Avoiding healthy relationships might stem from fear of vulnerability, past traumas, or low self-esteem. It’s a defense mechanism to protect oneself from potential hurt or disappointment, but it also keeps genuine connection and happiness at bay.

• What is an unhealthy boy-girl relationship?

An unhealthy boy-girl relationship is marked by lack of trust, disrespect, manipulation, and an imbalance of power. It lacks mutual respect and open communication, leading to feelings of insecurity, sadness, or anxiety, contrasting the support and joy found in healthy relationships.

For healthier partnerships

Marriage is usually an emotional investment, and careful thought is required before you decide to end things with your spouse.

Certain simple steps can reshape your relationship dynamics in a positive manner. If you and your partner are open to reassessing your behavior and making changes wherever necessary, your marriage may still have the potential to prosper.

After reading this article, you now know how to identify the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship and detect if you are in one. In addition, you can see a relationship counselor for assistance if you need help navigating an unhealthy relationship.