10 Tips to Deal With Body Shaming in a Relationship

Body shaming has a negative connotation, regardless of the context in which it occurs. However, when it happens in a relationship, body shaming can be especially upsetting. 

If your spouse body shames you, you are probably left feeling hurt and confused. You may not know how to respond or if this behavior is normal. 

Below, learn about the harm of body shaming in a marriage and what you can do to overcome it. 

What is body shaming?

Before diving into the effects of body shaming in a relationship, it’s helpful to understand body shaming definition in detail.  

From a psychological standpoint, body shaming has been defined as unwanted negative comments about a person’s body, which may not be intended to cause harm.

What does body shaming mean?

Body shaming can occur on a spectrum. Sometimes, it may be in the form of advice about losing weight. In other cases, it can involve malicious insults about a person’s physical appearance. Body shaming in marriage occurs when one spouse comments negatively about the other’s body, leading to hurt feelings. 

7 types of body shaming 

When body shaming happens in a marriage, it can take on several forms. Below are some examples of body shaming that a person may experience from their spouse or partner. Learning about these various forms provides additional insight into the body shaming meaning:

1. Comments about weight

Your significant other may comment about you being too heavy or too light. This could take the form of saying that you “Could stand to lose a few pounds,” or at the opposite end of the spectrum, telling you, “You need to eat a steak!” 

2. Food shaming

Sometimes, body shaming in marriage can be masked as negative comments about what you’re eating. This could involve your spouse asking, “Are you really going to eat all that?” Conversely, your spouse may criticize you for eating too little.

The underlying issue with food shaming is that your spouse suggests that you should be eating differently because of how your body looks. 

3. Comments about clothing

Body shaming can also take the form of unwanted comments about the way you’re dressed. An example might be one spouse telling the other they shouldn’t be wearing something so tight or their pants are “too baggy.” 

Related Reading: How to Compliment a Guy- 100 Best Compliments for Guys

4. Negative remarks about specific body parts

Commenting on a specific body part can also be a form of body shaming in marriage. One partner may tell the other that they have “thunder thighs” or that a particular body part, such as their arms are “too skinny.” 

5. Pretty shaming

Similar to body shaming, pretty shaming involves statements that suggest a partner is not attractive enough. This could include telling a partner that they’ve let themselves go or suggesting they should make more effort to look attractive.

6. Comparisons to others

Telling a partner that you wish they looked more like someone else or had someone else’s body type is another form of body shaming in relationships. 

Related Reading: 10 Reasons You Should Never Compare Relationships or Your Partner 

7. Jokes

Some people may disguise insults as jokes about your body. Even if it seems all in good fun, jokes about weight or physical appearance can be quite hurtful. 

Learn more about body shaming in this video:

Is body shaming a problem in marriage?

When body shaming occurs in marriage, and it hurts the feelings of one spouse, it is most certainly a problem. Body shaming in a relationship can lead to resentment, interfere with intimacy, and even damage the mental health of the person experiencing body shame.

Below are some problems that may occur when one spouse engages in body shaming toward the other:

1. Problems with intimacy

Research has found that poor body image is linked to reduced sexual satisfaction and lower quality in marital relationships. Based upon this fact, when body shaming comes from a spouse, we can expect that the person being shamed will be reluctant to engage in sexual intimacy.

Body shaming in relationships can also interfere with emotional intimacy. It can create distance between partners and make one partner feel as if the other, who is doing the body shaming, does not care about hurting them. 

Related Reading: Common Intimacy Issues in Marriage That Cause Discord Between Couples

2. Development of mental health problems

Body shaming from a spouse or partner can negatively affect mental health. Body shame has been linked to developing mental health disorders, including depression. 

3. Increased risk of eating disorders

Body shaming has been identified as a potential contributing factor to the development of eating disorders. 

When one spouse repeatedly body shames the other, the spouse experiencing body shame may turn to extreme methods, including disordered eating, to change their body. 

4. Emotional abuse

In some cases, body shaming is correlated with domestic violence. Belittling another person because of the way their body looks or making them feel as if they are unlovable because of their weight or body size is a form of psychological or emotional abuse. 

Body shaming may occur as a standalone form of abuse or within the context of a relationship that includes other forms of violence, such as physical and sexual assaults. 

Making someone feel as if they are unattractive can help an abuser to maintain power and control in a relationship, which is the hallmark of domestic abuse.

Body shaming in marriage is problematic even if it’s not intended to hurt feelings. 

Body shaming can make the partner on the receiving end feel as if their spouse does not love them or care about their feelings. Over time, it can damage the mental health of the person being shamed and reduce the happiness in the marriage. 

Related Reading: How to Identify and Respond to Emotional and Mental Abuse

How to deal with body shaming: 10 tips

Body shaming in a relationship is understandably hurtful, but there are ways you can cope and get the respect you deserve from your partner. Consider the tips below for overcoming body shaming in a relationship:

1. Communicate with your partner

This isn’t always the case, but your partner may not know their comments are hurtful. The best way to deal with body shaming is to first communicate your concerns to your partner.

You might start the conversation by saying, “You may not realize it, but when you comment about what I’m eating or wearing, it’s actually very hurtful to me.”

Once you’ve clearly and respectfully communicate your needs to your partner, the ball is in their court to stop making hurtful comments. 

2. Get to the root of the problem

A spouse who repeatedly body shames their partner may be coping with some underlying issues that have led to this hurtful behavior. Perhaps they witnessed one of their own parents body shaming the other while growing up, or maybe they have internalized unrealistic beauty standards.

Talking about the root of the problem can help your partner to overcome whatever issues have led them to body shame in the first place. This can be the first step in helping them to change damaging behavior. 

You might find that your partner comments about your body shape or size because they are concerned about your health. If this is the case, they need to understand that shaming your appearance isn’t helping you become the best version of yourself.

If your spouse is concerned about your health, ask them to express this directly rather than putting you down for your appearance. 

3. Stand up for yourself

Repeated body shaming in a relationship, especially when you’ve expressed to your partner how it makes you feel, is not okay. When body shaming continues, standing up for yourself is entirely acceptable.

Saying something such as, “It’s not okay for you to talk that way about my body,” is appropriate, and it sends the message that you’re not going to tolerate disrespect. 

4. Set clear boundaries

When you’ve experienced body shaming in your marriage, it can be helpful to set clear boundaries around what behavior is and is not okay. 

For instance, you don’t mind your partner making suggestions about healthy meals you can make together, but you are hurt when they make remarks about the amount of food you’re eating.

You can communicate your needs to your partner and set boundaries around what behavior you cannot accept. You also have a right to remind your partner of your boundaries when they are violated. 

5. Learn about the causes of body shaming

Body shaming from a spouse is hurtful, but it can be helpful to remember that the causes of body shaming often have nothing to do with you. If your spouse body shames you, they could be frustrated, angry, or stressed about something else going on in their life.

Negative comments about your body may also be their way of dealing with you during an argument. For instance, a comment like, “You’re so out of shape!” may be hurled in your direction during a conflict.

While it’s certainly not okay for your partner to talk to you this way, it can benefit your well-being if you learn that your spouse’s body shaming has nothing to do with you. 

6. Check your behavior

If body shaming has become a problem in your marriage, it’s also important for you to consider whether your behavior may be contributing to the problem. For example, if you repeatedly criticize your body, your spouse may believe you’re okay with body shaming.

Similarly, making negative comments about other people’s bodies in front of your spouse may suggest to your partner that you condone body shaming in general. By being kind to yourself and others, you are modeling for your spouse what respectful behavior looks like.

7. Make specific requests from your partner

To end body shaming in your marriage, you may need to make specific requests of your partner, such as, “I need you to stop making comments about the size of my stomach.” 

If you have clearly communicated your requests, your spouse has less opportunity to claim that they didn’t know their comments were hurtful. 

Check out this video to learn more about having clear expectations for you and your partner:

8. Talk about your vision for the relationship

When you approach the topic of body shaming in your relationship, it can be helpful to talk about the positive hopes you have for your future together. Express to your partner that you’d like to feel attractive, wanted and loved so you can have a happy relationship.

When you approach the issue from the stance that you’re trying to improve the relationship for both of you, your spouse is more likely to get on board.

9. Consider the relationship as a whole

If you have difficulty coping with your spouse’s body shaming behavior, looking at the relationship as a whole can be helpful. While repeated body shaming is unacceptable, if the relationship is otherwise healthy and satisfying, you’ll likely be able to overcome body shaming. 

Thinking about the positives in the relationship can remind you that things aren’t all bad, and you can use the strengths in the relationship to help you move forward as a couple.

10. Seek professional intervention

In some cases, it may be helpful to work with a professional to help you overcome the effects of body shaming in a relationship. If you’re struggling with your self-esteem and mental health, you may consider individual counseling to help you process your emotions and develop stronger coping strategies.

You might also ask your partner to attend couples counseling with you so that you can overcome the effects of body shaming as a couple. 

Final takeaway

If you’re experiencing body shaming in your marriage, it’s important to speak up about how it makes you feel. Tell your partner that the comments about your body and weight are hurtful and make you feel disconnected and fearful of intimacy.

It can be helpful to approach your partner when they are calm and in a good mood and start the conversation gently. Be prepared to give specific examples of statements that have been harmful to you. 

When body shaming persists, despite your attempts to convince your partner to stop this behavior, it may be time to seek relationship counseling. In counseling sessions, you can explore your feelings and learn healthy communication skills with the support of a trained third party.

If your partner is unwilling to change their behavior, consider whether this relationship is one you want to continue. No one deserves to be degraded and disrespected in their relationship.

Furthermore, if you experience domestic abuse, resources are available to support you and help you plan for your safety. Visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website to get connected to resources. 

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Jennifer Schulz LCSW

Dr. Jenni Schulz is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she earned her Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology from National University. She has worked in the social work field for 14 years and is currently a professor at Ashland University.... Read more She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness. Dr. Schulz is licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and a school social worker through Ohio Department of Education. She currently works primarily as a crisis therapist at her local hospital and jail, while engaging in mental health consulting virtually. Read less

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