Being Selfish in a Relationship – Is It Really Unhealthy?

Marriage.com Editorial Team

Expertise: Relationship & Marriage Advice

The Marriage.com Editorial Team is a group of experienced relationship writers, experts, and mental health professionals. We provide practical and research-backed advice on relationships. Our content is thoroughly reviewed by experts to ensure that we offer high-quality and reliable relationship advice.

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Updated: 5 Nov, 2022

Table of Contents

Put yourself first in healthy balance so you can be emotionally present for your partner, showing care and inviting deeper connection.
Communicate openly and gently acknowledge mistakes to build trust, so you both feel seen and can grow closer.
Nurture shared dreams by celebrating each other's successes and staying curious about each other's needs, so you sustain spark and belonging.

Humans need to think of themselves before others. One cannot be a 100% selfless, so much so that it starts to affect their physical and mental health. Research indicates that in order for you to be comfortable with others you’d have to learn to be comfortable in your own skin, you’d have to love yourself first, put yourself first. Loving, appreciating, and caring for yourself is necessary in order to live a healthy life.

However, like everything else, this requires moderation as well. One should put themselves first but not to the point that you’d have to drag down your loved one in order to do so.

No relationship can survive where the ‘we’ and ‘us’ have turned to ‘me’ and ‘I.’

Be it friendship or any romantic relationship, they may be your co-worker or your family member, every relationship requires a little bit of give and take. You take comfort from your friends, and you help them grow the same. If your partner is only taking from you and not giving back, then you are not in a healthy relationship anymore.

If one were to go online, one would find a plethora of researches conducted on the same topic. It all boils down to following mentioned points:

Accept that you were wrong

Upon finding out that your partner is not who you thought they were, people tend to go in denial. They refuse to believe the truth and create their own version of reality, make excuses for their partner’s outburst or behavior, and just soldier on through the relationship. So much so, that at times they become the bad guy. Why does this happen? Because people are martyrs? Or they are so good that they cannot see their significant others as the bad guy?

No, everyone is selfish to some extent. Everyone faces difficulty accepting that they were wrong.

People in selfish relationships are no different than their selfish partners.

They just refuse to believe that they did not see what their significant other was like before. This shame and the realization of being a fool makes them spiral down and seek refuge in the world where everything is picture perfect.

The cake is baked

Don’t spend time and energy in a relationship that is destined to be a failure.

People cannot change their core values and instincts so much late in their lives.

When one is a child, they are still molding, going through the learning phase and are capable of change. Whereas when adults, their core values are set, the cake is baked, there is no going back.

You should be the center of the universe for your partner

As cheesy as it sounds but, one should always be the center of the universe for their loved ones. There can be no one more than or as important as your loved one. But, be sure that these compliments go both ways. If you are the guy in the relationship, then as well it is not only your job to do the complimenting. Every once in a while a guy needs to hear some appraisal as well.

You should be the center of the universe for your partner

My success should be celebrated as well

Pay attention and see whether your partner is celebrating your achievements or not.

If they are not supportive of your accomplishments or do not boost your confidence enough and not motivate you to go for your dreams, then the relationship’s spiral has already begun.

Too many canceled plans

If there are one too many canceled plans or your partner is not putting that much effort like they used to, it is definitely a major red flag that they have lost interest in you and your relationship as well. Sometimes people rush things.

They rush into their relationships and with time as the excitement settles they find out that they have nothing in common.

That as the dust has settled their relationship is devoid of any spark. In the absence of which they lose energy and motivation.

Is your partner being insensitive?

Everyone likes a good laugh. But, is this laughter happening at your expense? Are the jokes increasingly getting too personal and insulting? Is your partner exploiting your relationship in front of others?

If the answers to the above questions are yes, it is time to bow out.

Is this good for me

For once, be selfish in the relationship, see the red flags, understand that the person is not going to do a 180 and change, accept your failures as well, and then move on. It is easier said than done, but as difficult a decision this is you would have to think about your own sanity as well. No one can survive in a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Just like your partner has needs that you so religiously satisfy, so do you.

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Marriage.com Editorial Team Relationship & Marriage Advice

The Marriage.com Editorial Team is a group of experienced relationship writers, experts, and mental health professionals. We provide practical and research-backed advice on relationships. Our content is thoroughly reviewed by experts... Read more to ensure that we offer high-quality and reliable relationship advice. Read less