How to Initiate Sex in a Relationship: 35+ Tips

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People would probably agree that sex is an essential component of an intimate relationship, but some may be nervous about how to initiate sex, especially in a new relationship. Fortunately, there are ways to break the ice and initiate sex for the first time while keeping the partner comfortable.

Even those who have been together for a significant amount of time can learn something about how to initiate intimate conversation, especially if one partner is always asking for sex and the other partner never initiates.

Why should you initiate sex?

It can be crucial in relationships to initiate sex and to know how to do it correctly. This is because, without the act of initiating sex, your partner may feel unwanted or may not know that you even desire sex.

In addition, when sex is not initiated in a way that works for your partner, they won’t always be very turned on or interested in sex.

So, it is vital to make an effort to initiate sex to get your partner to want to have sex in the first place. Beyond this, it is essential that you figure out how your partner prefers to initiate sex.

Your preferred style may differ from your partner’s, and you can never assume that what works for you will also work for them.

You can also never assume that your significant other will make a move or let you know every time they’re in the mood for sex. This is another reason that initiating is so essential.

If you don’t take a chance and offer an invitation to have sex, the two of you may miss out on an opportunity. 

Another problem that may arise in relationships is that one partner always assumes the responsibility for initiating sex. This can make them feel pressured or as if their partner is not actually interested in sex. 

So, while you’re in a relationship, your partner may appreciate it if you take some of the pressure off of them and initiate sex once in a while.

Why are people nervous about initiating sex?

While initiating sex is essential, people may still have reservations about how to initiate intimate relationships. 

As studies explain, a significant reason people may be anxious about initiating sex is that they fear rejection. Their partner may not be in the mood and may turn down their advances. We all want to feel desired.

So, rejection can come as a string, but you can overcome the fear of rejection by practicing your response to it. For instance, you might thank them for their honesty and express that you respect them for setting boundaries. 

It is also helpful to keep in mind that if someone rejects your attempt to initiate sex, it probably says something about what is going on with them and nothing about you. Maybe they are having a bad day or simply aren’t feeling confident in their skin at the time. 

You should also remember that trying something for the first time is always a little anxiety-provoking, whether it is learning a new skill or trying a new exercise class at the gym. 

Having sex with a new partner is no different. The first time may make you nervous, but once you get through the initial encounter, it will come more naturally in the future. 

35+ ways to initiate sex with your partner

How to initiate sex with your partner will depend on their preferences, as well as whether you are initiating sex in a new relationship or trying to spice things up in a long-term relationship.

Having a conversation beforehand may be helpful to ensure that both of you are on the same page. 

It may be as simple as having a chat about cues you and your partner send when you’re in the mood for sex or asking them how they would like to be invited to sex. 

Once you get an idea of where you stand or what your partner likes, here are some ideas you can implement for initiating sex: 

1. Use a direct method

When it comes to initiating intimate moments, a direct approach can be surprisingly effective. Simply ask if they want to make out or go to the bedroom. 

Your partner may appreciate you taking the lead, and straightforward communication can cultivate a deeper connection between you. It’s all about being open, honest, and considerate of each other’s desires.

2. Put it in writing

Enhancing the connection with your partner can also involve written expressions of desire. During the workday, send a flirty text message or email to signal your partner that you’re in the mood.

It can set the stage and make it easier to initiate sex once the two of you are together again in the evening. These written messages can be a playful and exciting way to maintain a sense of anticipation and build a stronger emotional bond throughout the day.

3. Use nonverbal cues

It may be as simple as grabbing your partner’s hand and taking them to the bedroom or grabbing them by the thigh. Establish some nonverbal cues ahead of time so you can communicate with each other when you would like to initiate sex. 

4. Offer a morning sex invitation

Since testosterone levels tend to be higher in the morning, sexual desire is also usually higher at this time of day. Asking for sex in the morning can be the best way to initiate, especially if you have a busy schedule or have been struggling with a low sex drive. 

5. Schedule it 

While it may seem boring or old-fashioned, sometimes scheduling sex is the best option, especially for couples who have hectic lives or who disagree about who should initiate sex. 

With a weekly session on the calendar, there is no room for rejection or hurt feelings. This method of initiating sex also communicates to your partner that intimacy is a priority. 

6. Talk about past sexual experiences 

While some people prefer physical foreplay, others enjoy connecting verbally before having sex. You can get each other in the mood by discussing past sexual experiences, such as something you tried together earlier in the relationship. 

7. Develop code words 

Just like a visual cue, such as rubbing your partner’s leg, may signal that you’d like to initiate sex, you and your partner can establish some code words you can use to communicate that you’re in the mood.

For instance, you might ask your partner if he is in the mood for something salty to eat.

It can be beneficial if you don’t want children to know what’s going on or if you are looking for playful ways to determine if your partner is interested in some time between the sheets.

8. Be specific about what you want 

If you know exactly what you want, don’t hesitate to ask for it.

Describing precisely what you want can make it easier for your partner to get in the mood. You might mention that you’d like to go down on them or that you’d like to have a quickie on the living room couch.

9. If the relationship is new, have an open conversation

While the above ways explaining how to start sex may be more geared toward established, long-term couples, sex in a new relationship may look different. 

It is never safe or respectful to assume that just because you have been going on dates or perhaps kissing, your new partner is interested or ready for sex. 

If you have been casually dating someone new and you’re ready to initiate sex, you might tell your partner that you’ve enjoyed going on dates and getting to know each other, but you’d be interested to know if they would like to take things further. 

You might mention that you enjoyed kissing them when you parted ways the other night, and you’d like to try again in your apartment and see where things go. See how they respond, and whatever the answer, be respectful.

10. Discuss preferences if you are asking for sex in a new relationship 

How to become more intimate with your partner if you don’t know what your partner likes or likes? Sounds complicated, right? 

Another helpful conversation to have in new relationships is one surrounding your partner’s preferences for initiating sex. Perhaps you have had sex a few times or are simply talking about the possibility of spending some time together in bed.

Whatever the case, a direct conversation about how your partner wants to initiate sex is beneficial. You may ask, for instance, if he prefers that you initiate sex by directly asking or if he prefers more subtle cues. 

11. Take turns initiating

If you are looking for creative ways to initiate lovemaking, especially in a long-term relationship, you might consider taking turns. Alternate who takes turns initiating after your weekly date night. It can become a delightful tradition that keeps the flame burning in your relationship.

12. Start with a massage 

If you are looking for new ways to explore how to initiate sex with your wife, a massage may be your go-to. Set the stage by starting with a back massage and moving downward. This is sure to relax her and get her in the mood.

13. Dress the part 

Elevate your intimate moments by adding a touch of allure to your attire—experiment by trying on a seductive outfit or introducing new, tantalizing lingerie into your bedroom routine. 

Such a simple yet effective act can convey your desire and subtly reignite the passionate sparks reminiscent of the early days of your relationship. 

14. Try a passionate kiss 

Instead of a quick peck on the lips, try giving your partner a long, deep kiss to communicate that you’re in the mood for sex. This passionate display of affection conveys your desire and creates a deeper connection with your partner, setting the stage for a more intimate encounter.

15. Surprise them when they wake up 

Unsure about how to start intimacy with your husband? If you are looking for a new way of exploring how to initiate sex with your husband, you might surprise him by waking him up with oral sex. 

An unexpected gesture like this can be an exciting and thrilling way to kickstart your day or share an intimate moment, enhancing the spontaneity and strengthening the bond between you and your partner.

16. Stop waiting for the perfect conditions and just go for it 

If you wait for the perfect moment to have sex, it will never happen. If the mood hits, go ahead and initiate. 

The worst thing that can happen is your partner might not be in the mood, but it’s nothing to take personally. It’s about aligning with each other’s desires and feelings strengthening your bond.

17. Tease them after a shower 

How do I get my wife to initiate intimacy if she has never done it before? Instead of putting clothes on immediately after getting out of the shower, walk around naked. This can be a cue to your wife that you’d like to initiate sex. 

Such a playful and daring act can be a thrilling and enticing way to kindle the flames of passion, creating an atmosphere of anticipation and desire that paves the way for a more intimate connection with your loved one.

18. Sleep naked and cuddle

I have to initiate everything with my boyfriend, but he never takes the initiative. 

If you’re having trouble getting in the mood, it can be helpful to cuddle up naked in bed together. Press your body against his and slide your hand down his stomach as you cuddle to initiate sex. 

Such a tender and passionate act can communicate your longing and intensify the connection between you two, creating a sensual atmosphere that can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying intimate experience.

19. Consider taking control 

In a long-term relationship, you may sometimes have to take control. Give your partner a sex invitation by unbuttoning their shirt or climbing on their lap while you’re watching TV together. This sends a clear message that you’re initiating sex. 

20. Shower together 

Lathering up together can sometimes be the gateway to a steamy sex session. As the warm water cascades over your body, it can create a sensual and relaxing atmosphere that promotes closeness. 

The act of lathering each other up can be incredibly intimate, enhancing the connection and anticipation for what’s to come.

21. Undress in front of your partner 

The act of undressing in front of your partner is a powerful and straightforward way to express your desire for an intimate connection. It’s a non-verbal declaration that you’re ready for passion, igniting the sparks of desire between you.

22. Give your partner positive affirmations 

We all want to feel desired by our spouse or partner, so sometimes, asking for sex is not just about directly asking to spend some time together in the bedroom. Compliment your partner’s appearance, or tell him how much you enjoy kissing him. 

It can be a loving way to establish a connection, and initiating sex can happen from there. 

23. Have a conversation about expectations 

If you are going to bring up sex for the first time in a relationship, it can be helpful to establish expectations.

Does your partner want to initiate sex spontaneously for the first time, or would the two of you be more comfortable setting a time to have sex once you are both comfortable? 

It is vital for both of you to be on the same page and respectful of each other’s wishes. 

24. Flirt with your partner

Foreplay isn’t just about kissing and touching. Sometimes, a flirtatious conversation is all you need to set the stage for sex. Engaging in playful banter, teasing, and exchanging seductive words can create an atmosphere charged with desire.

25. Engage in physical play with your partner 

Whether wrestling on the couch or dancing in the living room, take time to engage in physical play with your partner. The physical connection can be a playful, fun way to initiate sex. It’s a refreshing approach to initiating sex that keeps the spark alive in your relationship.

26. Be supportive 

In long-term relationships, the stress of daily life, work, and household duties can get in the way of sexual desire. Keep the spark alive by being supportive of your partner. 

Lighten some of the load by taking care of the dishes or taking the kids to the park for a few hours to give them some time alone. With your support, your partner is more likely to respond positively to your attempts to initiate sex.

27. Be a little persuasive 

It is easy to become stuck in old routines in a committed partnership, but you can spice up your sex life by being a little persuasive with your sex invitation. 

Push your partner against a wall and kiss him, or sneak up from behind and kiss his neck. This is sure to send a message. 

28. Make a list of things you’d like to try 

Exploring new dimensions of intimacy is essential for keeping a relationship exciting. During your next date night, make a list of things you’d like to try with your partner in the bedroom. When you’d like to initiate sex, suggest that you and your partner refer to the list.

29. Speak your partner’s love language 

We all have our love language. For example, some people feel most loved when someone gives them a gift, whereas others feel loved through physical touch. Learn what makes your partner tick, and use it to initiate sex.

If your partner is a physical touch person, initiate sex by cuddling close or beginning with a kiss on the lips and seeing where it leads.

30. Try out sex toys

If you are looking for more creative ways to initiate lovemaking, you might consider visiting a sex shop with your partner.

Trying out some new toys can be a fun way to initiate sex. You might even consider leaving one of your new toys out on the nightstand to signal that you’re in the mood for sex.

31. Write a sensual love letter

Writing a sensual love letter can be an incredibly intimate gesture that can deepen your emotional connection. Pour your heart and desires into the words, making your partner feel cherished and desired.

By discreetly placing it where they’ll discover it during the day, you create an air of anticipation, making the reunion even more special. Such personal expressions of affection are not only romantic but also foster a deeper bond between you and your partner.

32. Use role-play scenarios

Role-playing can be an exciting way to initiate sex. Create fun and imaginative scenarios where you and your partner take on different personas, adding an element of adventure and anticipation to your intimate encounters. 

The anticipation of what character your partner will play can enhance the overall experience of intimacy and keep the flame of desire alive.

33. Watch a romantic movie together

Choose a romantic movie that both of you enjoy and watch together. Cuddling on the couch while sharing this experience can set the mood for a more intimate evening. This shared activity provides an ideal opportunity to relax, unwind, and let the passion naturally unfold.

34. Engage in mutual fantasies

Openly discuss your fantasies with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Sharing and acting upon these desires can not only strengthen your bond but also create an exciting and passionate journey that reaffirms your compatibility, ultimately enhancing the connection between you and your partner.

35. Play a board game with a twist

Choose a board game with a romantic or sensual twist, such as a couples’ version of Truth or Dare. These games can lead to playful and intimate interactions between you and your partner. The intimate interactions can deepen your connection, adding a layer of passion and excitement to your relationship.

Watch Steph Anya, a licensed marriage and family therapist, as she explains ways to build emotional intimacy in a relationship in this video:

36. Try a dance or yoga session together

Engaging in a sensual dance or yoga session can enhance physical closeness and lead to a more intimate connection. The physicality of these activities can be a fun way to initiate sex.

As you synchronize your movements, you’ll build a deeper connection that naturally leads to a more profound and passionate encounter.

FAQs

Initiating sex in a relationship can be hard sometimes, but with the proper planning, it can be achieved. Here, we’ll address common questions related to sexual initiation and maintaining intimacy in relationships.

• How can I initiate sex easily?

Initiating sex can be made easy through open communication, creating a romantic atmosphere, and paying attention to your partner’s desires and comfort. Discuss your desires and make your partner feel desired and at ease.

• Why don’t I initiate sex?

Hesitation in initiating sex may stem from various factors, including stress, insecurity, or a desire for your partner to take the lead. Identifying these reasons and discussing them with your partner is crucial.

• How do you initiate sex after a dry spell?

To reignite intimacy after a dry spell, consider scheduling quality time, exploring new fantasies, and expressing your desire for a more active sex life. Open dialogue and patience are key to reconnecting on a physical level.

In a nutshell

There are ultimately many ways to initiate sex. The best method of learning how to initiate sex in a sexless marriage will depend on their specific preferences and the stage they are in within their relationship.

If you are thinking about how to initiate sex in a new relationship, you should always have a discussion beforehand to ensure that your partner is on the same page as you and ready to have sex.

Would he instead drop a subtle hint, or does he want you to ask directly? Being on the same page is helpful and prevents miscommunication and hurt feelings when the mood strikes.

Even couples who have been together for years can benefit from having a conversation about the best ways to initiate sex. You may find that you have different preferences, and you will have to take turns initiating in certain ways.

Through exploration and trying out new methods, you can keep the spark alive and make your partner feel wanted. If you never take the risk of initiating sex, you will likely miss out, and the relationship may suffer.