How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner: 10 Tips

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There might be quite a few couples having difficulty discussing sex with each other as the topic is intimate and can invoke embarrassment in some.

Learning how to talk about sex with your partner can help you understand the importance of such conversations and how to initiate them. 

Sharing intimacy through sex is one of the most positive aspects of marriage. And through conversations, we can improve our experience with our partner. Read here why sex talks are important and how to talk about sex with your partner. 

Related Reading: 7 Ways to Start Sexual Communication and Overcome the Difficulties You Face

When should you talk about sex with your partner?

If you wonder how to talk about sex with your partner and what could be the right time and approach, days, months, or even decades can go by with many issues remaining undiscussed. But it’s never too late to start.

It might seem safe to talk about sex before or after you both have had it. But know that timing is everything. You both must take some time out and discuss your issues and interests. Pick a non-vulnerable spot away from the bed to discuss sensitive issues.

10 ways to learn how to talk about sex with your partner

Sex talk with your spouse is an important tool that can help you figure out ways to make your sex life with your partner even more fulfilling. 

If talking about sex with your partner concerns you, there are several ways to understand how to talk about sex with your partner effectively (no pun intended!):

1. Just do it

This is a famous sports brand’s infamous slogan, which is a great battle cry.

Pushing for a candid conversation and just going with it might be appreciated by your partner.

All it might take is one frank conversation to start heating things in the bedroom.

2. Put it in a positive light and express gratitude

People like being appreciated in general. A tactic that could be used in expressing your sexual need is to try expressing these needs by putting them in a more positive light.

Instead of saying: “Can you do X more often?”

Try saying it in this manner: “I love it when you do X. I appreciate it so much.”

If you examine the two statements, there is a visible shift regarding the energy you are trying to put out.

The best thing about the second statement is that you also express gratitude towards something your partner is doing for you instead of offering veiled criticism.

Studies have shown that being appreciated in a relationship is highly valued and promotes a trusting and healthy relationship.  

Among its benefits is that the good deeds are reinforced and have the motivation to be repeated.

Related Reading: 10 Ways to Show Gratitude to Your Spouse

3. Write it down

Another way to effectively communicate your needs is to write them down!

If you’re the type of partner who is more effective when communicating via writing, you’ll find this approach much easier. But if you’re doing it this way, ensure you communicate it clearly.

4. Get visual with a show and tell

One way to learn how to talk about sex with your partner is to get visual.

Some partners use a little pornography, whether in books or video form, to convey what they want to do. However, take caution, as too much of this pornography might become counterproductive for your relationship.

5. “I” statements

“I” statements have many benefits regarding how to talk about sex with your partner. 

Using “I” statements while talking about sex allows the couples to speak their mind without any guilt or hesitation. It also helps partners understand each other’s problems without doubts or miscommunication. Besides, it prevents blame-game in a relationship.

LMHC Grady Shumway says,

Using “I” statements during discussions about sex can open up honest communication without blame. When you share your feelings and experiences this way, it helps avoid finger-pointing and promotes understanding. This approach builds a supportive space where both partners feel respected and heard, especially on sensitive topics like sex.

6. Discuss how to say “no”

There should not be any complications while saying No to sex. Sex should be about consent with no room for pressurizing, guilt, manipulation, and coercion. 

So, sex conversations between couples should be clear and direct, where you both tell each other you aren’t ready.

7. Don’t presume gender roles

Discussing sex becomes easy when you avoid presuming what the other person should and should not do. If you feel the other person should always initiate sex or they should behave a certain way, you need to work on that.

These stem a lot from the expectations you could have from your partner. Convey them rather than presuming.

Related Reading: 11 Examples Of Traditional Gender Roles

8. Do it at the right time

When learning how to talk about sex without being awkward is understanding that there’s always a right time and a wrong time to have the conversation. 

Make sure you pick the right moment to discuss sex. For instance, it should not be in the middle of the day when both of you are busy with your chores. Resume a calm state of mind and ensure your partner is relaxed before you initiate the conversation. 

9. Show sympathy

While you and your partner communicate about sex, empathize and understand their concerns and desires. Don’t act unempathetic. You are on this journey together, and being kind to each other is essential.

10. Understand the differences

There could be so many things different between you and your partner. So, rather than reacting negatively to sexual conversation starters, know that it is okay to disagree on certain aspects of sex. You both need to be open to each other’s thoughts and needs.

You can also attend couples therapy if you need an expert’s guidance in dealing with these differences. 

Grady Shumway adds,

Recognizing and respecting each other’s sexual preferences is key to a healthy relationship. Instead of getting defensive when you disagree, stay open and curious to understand each other better. If you find it tricky, couples therapy can be a great help. It offers a safe space to explore your sexual compatibility and improve communication with professional guidance.

5 reasons to talk about sex with your partner

Talking to your partner about sex might seem daunting, but it is important as it can help make your bond stronger. It can also clear up any wrong assumption that you may have had about your partner’s desires and needs. 

Whether you want to talk about sex or are hesitating, here are some benefits of talking about sex that can make things clearer for you:

1. It makes things safer

Sex talk with your spouse can allow you to speak openly about all sex-related matters that might affect your physical and mental well-being. 

You can discuss STIs, sexual history and expectations of monogamy with each other. Clarity can ensure you are safer and feel safer while engaging in sexual acts with someone.

2. It promotes emotional intimacy

Talking about sex with your partner can help you develop a deeper level of comfort and understanding, enhancing emotional intimacy. It can help establish mutual trust and allow your partner to truly open up in front of you in a safe environment. 

3. Expressing your desires

Sex talks between couples can allow them to express their sexual desires, expectations and needs. It clears up any wrongful assumption someone may have about their partner and how to please them in bed. 

4. It serves as a simulation

Sexual talk or conversations about sex can also act as foreplay that gets your juices flowing. It can remind both of you about all the fun you can have together and create excitement for what is to come, even if that wasn’t the initial intention. 

5. Establish boundaries

Talking about sex can also allow partners to establish emotional and physical boundaries for sex. This can ensure you don’t get hurt or hurt your partner because of misunderstanding each other’s sexual needs. 

Watch this video to learn how to set boundaries in relationships:

Some commonly asked questions

Talking about sex with your partner is important if you want to share a deep bond with your partner. Here are the answers to some questions that can help you understand different aspects of sex talks. 

• Is it healthy for couples to talk about sex?

Initiating a conversation about sex with your partner is one of the best ways to strengthen your intimacy levels.

In long-term relationships, men view their partner’s sexual satisfaction as something that provides them with personal satisfaction. It also affirms their masculinity and boosts their self-esteem too.

• Why is it so difficult for couples to talk about sex?

Having sex is an intimate act, which makes conversations about it equally difficult for people. Some people are private, shy, insecure or uncomfortable about their sex lives. 

In contrast, others might fear embarrassment, rejection, judgment or anxiety when they reveal intimate details about themselves. 

Discussing one’s sexual needs is vital in any relationship, whether you’re already married or not. 

It is also important to expect that not all fantasies will be well-received by our partners. After all, we’re different people and bound to have different desires and needs.

Calling a sex therapist or a counselor could help communicate even the most sensitive matters.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why Your Spouse Doesn't Listen to You

Final thoughts

With all the information provided regarding how to talk about sex with your partner, it’s time for you and your partner to work on the sexual aspect of your relationship by beginning to talk about it.

Having sexual desires and fantasies is entirely normal and should not be considered taboo. When you start having couple sex conversations and discussing these needs with your partner, you’re making your relationship stronger and inviting your partner closer.

Proper communication breeds healthier intimacy levels; more robust intimacy levels mean healthier sex life. So, go talk it out and then get down to business. Have fun with your partner and have fun with sex.