Children and Divorce: How Separation Affects Different Age Groups

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“Mommy, are we still a family?” This is just one of the many questions that you, as a parent, would encounter when your children begin to understand that you’re separating from your partner. 

Managing children and divorce can be the most challenging aspect of your life. It’s the most hurtful phase of separation because it is so hard to explain to a child why the family that he or she knew is breaking up.

For them, it just doesn’t make any sense at all. So why, if we love our kids, should couples still choose divorce over family?

How are divorce and children connected? What happens to the kids when parents divorce?

Children and divorce

Talking of divorce and the effect on children, no one wants a broken family — we all know that but today, there are so many married couples who choose divorce over family.

Some may say that they are selfish for choosing this instead of fighting for their family or choosing the children over selfish reasons but we don’t know the whole story.

What if there’s abuse involved? What if there was an extramarital affair? What if they are no longer happy? Would you rather see your children witness abuse or frequent shouting? Even if it’s hard, sometimes, divorce is the best option.

The number of couples who choose divorce today is very alarming and while there are so many valid reasons, there are also the kids that we need to think about too.

It’s so hard to explain to a child why mommy and daddy can no longer live together. It’s so hard to see a child get confused about custody and even co-parenting. 

As much as we are hurt, we also need to stand by our decision and do our best to minimize the effects of divorce on our kids.

What happens to a child when parents divorce?

Divorce is a long process and it drains everything from your finances, your sanity, and even your children. The effects when parents divorce is just so heavy for some young minds that it can instill a sense of destruction, hatred and envy within them. 

It can also make them feel unloved and unwanted. Accumulation of such emotions over time can reflect negatively on their personality and skills, affecting their relationships and career prospects in the future.

It’s important to address these issues in children as soon as the divorce process starts, and do not let this build up in your child.

Children and divorce: How does separation affects kids differently based on their age

The effects of divorce on children depending on their age, are different from each other but they can be grouped according to age. This way, parents can better understand what effects they can expect and how they can minimize it.

Let’s study children’s reactions to divorce by age.

Babies

You might think that since they are still very young that you won’t have a hard time with your divorce proceedings but little do we know that babies have incredible senses and something as simple as a change in their routine can cause an outburst and cry.

They can also sense the agitation, stress, and anxiety of their parents and since they can’t talk yet, their way of communication is simply crying.

Related Reading: 5 Easy Everyday Activities to Help Babies Grow up Smart

Toddlers

The effect of divorce on toddlers is equally alarming. Dealing with a divorce and toddlers together can be unimaginably difficult.

These little playful kids still don’t know how heavy the issue of the divorce is and might not even care to ask why you’re having a divorce but what they can surely ask in pure honesty are questions like “where is daddy”, or “mommy do you love our family?”

Sure you can easily create little white lies to hide the truth but sometimes, they feel more than they should, and calming your toddler who misses his mommy or daddy is hurtful.

Young children

There is no proven data on what should be the average age of child when parents divorce.

Now, this is becoming more challenging because children are already thinkers and they already understand the frequent fights and even the custody battle can sometimes make sense to them.

The good thing here is that since they are still young, you can still explain everything and slowly clarify why it happens. Assurance, communication, and being there for your child even if you are undergoing divorce will play a huge role in shaping his personality.

Teenagers

What should be the average age of children when parents divorce? Definitely not during teenage.

It’s already stressful to handle a teen nowadays; what more when they see that you and your spouse are undergoing divorce?

Some teens would comfort their parents and try to work things out but some teens would rather become rebellious and do all sorts of bad stuff to get even with the parents who they think have ruined the family that they had. 

The last thing that we would want to happen here is to have a problem with our child.

Children and divorce: 10 tips to minimize the effects of divorce on kids

Divorce is a difficult and often traumatic event for children. The separation of their parents can have long-lasting negative effects on their mental health, social development, and academic performance. 

We would never want to see our children do rebellious or harmful acts just because they don’t feel that they are loved or that they no longer have a family.

The least that we can do as parents is, to minimize the effects of divorce in the following possible ways: 

1. Talk to them if they are old enough to understand

Talk to them along with your spouse. Yes, you’re not getting back together but you can still be parents and tell your children what is happening – they deserve the truth. 

2. Assure them that you’ll still stay the same

Assure them that even if the marriage isn’t working out, you will still be his or her parents and you’ll not abandon your children. There can be major changes but as a parent, you’ll remain the same. 

3. Never neglect them

While assessing the cause and effect of divorce on children, remember that divorce can be difficult and strenuous for everyone in the family. If you don’t show time and attention to your children, they will end up building negative emotions. These are still children, even teens that need love and attention. 

4. Consider co-parenting if possible

If you are considering any possibility of reconciliation for your children’s sake, try a suitable save my marriage course. Also, if there are instances that co-parenting is still, an option do—it. It’s still better to have both parents present in a child’s life. 

5. Reassure them that it isn’t their fault

Most often, children would notice their parents fighting over parenting issues and think that divorce is ultimately their fault. This is just sad and can even damage them completely. We don’t want our children to believe this.

6. Keep communication open

One of the most important things parents can do is keep communication open with their children. This includes talking to them about the divorce and allowing them to express their feelings and ask questions. 

It’s important to listen to their concerns and reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault.

7. Maintain routines

Children thrive on routines and stability, especially during times of stress and upheaval. Parents should work together to maintain the same routines and schedules as much as possible, including bedtime, mealtimes, and school routines. This can help children feel more secure and less anxious about the changes happening in their lives.

Related Reading: 15 Relationship Rituals Every Couple Should Follow

8. Avoid negative talk

It’s important for parents to avoid negative talk about each other in front of their children. This can be difficult, especially if there are negative feelings or disagreements between the parents. 

However, speaking negatively about the other parent can be harmful to children and can cause them to feel confused, guilty, or torn between the two parents.

9. Avoid putting them in the middle of the crisis

Parents should avoid putting their children in the middle of any disagreements or conflicts arising during the divorce process. 

This includes not using them as messengers or spies and not asking them to take sides. Children should be allowed to be children and should not be burdened with adult responsibilities or conflicts.

10. Be honest

It’s important for parents to be honest while managing children and divorce about what’s happening and why. Children can sense when something is wrong, and it’s important to be upfront with them about the divorce. 

If they feel that you’re trying to shield something bad from them, it can escalate their insecurities and negative thinking.

However, it’s also important to be age-appropriate in the information shared and not to burden children with adult concerns.

Here are some more ways how you can help your child cope with your divorce:

Children and divorce: Commonly asked questions

Children need emotional support during and after parents’ divorce. Parents should be there to listen, offer comfort, and provide emotional support. This next section deals with some more questions about this topic.

• At what age does divorce affect a child the most?

Children and divorce aren’t easy to deal with. Divorce can have a significant impact on children, and the age at which it affects them most can vary. 

Generally, younger children may struggle more with divorce as they may have a harder time understanding the situation and may feel a sense of abandonment or confusion. 

However, older children and adolescents may also be impacted by divorce, as it can disrupt their sense of stability and security. Ultimately, every child and family is unique, and the effects of divorce can vary based on a variety of factors.

• Are kids better after divorce?

While divorce can be a difficult experience for children, it can also provide a sense of relief and stability if the home environment is previously filled with conflict and tension. 

Ultimately, the well-being of children after divorce depends on various factors, such as the level of parental conflict, the quality of parenting, and the ability of parents to co-parent effectively.

Make efficient parenting decisions 

Divorce is a choice and no matter what other people say, you know you’re making the right choices even if it’ll be hard at first. When parents divorce, it is the children who will feel most of the effects and can even have that long-lasting scar on their personalities.

So before you should consider divorce, make sure that you have tried counseling, have given your best, and have done all you can to keep your family together. If it’s really no longer possible, at least be there to do your best so that the effects of divorce on your children would only be minimal.