What Causes Passive-Aggressive Behavior: 13 Possibilities

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Imagine your partner says, “Sure, I’ll take care of it,” but never follows through—or replies with, “It’s fine,” when it’s clearly not. These are examples of passive-aggressive behavior, where emotions are expressed indirectly rather than openly. This behavior can create confusion, frustration, and emotional distance in relationships. 

Understanding what causes passive-aggressive behavior is essential to breaking these unhealthy patterns. It often stems from unresolved resentment, fear of confrontation, or unmet emotional needs.

When left unchecked, passive aggression can build tension and lead to long-term damage. Recognizing the signs and causes of passive-aggression helps couples identify the underlying issues and work toward healthier, more constructive ways of communicating their needs and emotions, fostering a stronger emotional connection.  

What is passive-aggressive behavior in relationships?

Passive-aggressive behavior in relationships is when someone expresses negative feelings indirectly instead of addressing them openly. This can manifest as subtle resistance, like procrastination, intentional inefficiency, or backhanded compliments. 

Instead of communicating honestly about their needs or frustrations, a passive-aggressive partner might use sarcasm, sulking, or the silent treatment to express their displeasure. This behavior creates a climate of confusion, resentment, and distrust, making it difficult to address and resolve conflicts constructively.   

13 causes of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships

Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern where negative emotions are expressed indirectly rather than openly. In relationships, this behavior can create emotional distance, resentment, and unresolved conflicts over time. 

People who exhibit passive-aggression might use sarcasm, procrastinate, or withhold affection to communicate frustration without direct confrontation. Understanding what causes passive-aggressive behavior helps couples address these tendencies effectively. 

This article explores the causes of passive-aggressive behavior in depth, offering insights into how these behaviors develop and how they impact relationships.  

1. Fear of conflict  

Fear of confrontation is often what causes passive-aggressive behavior in people. Some individuals prefer to avoid direct disagreements, believing that conflict will make matters worse. Instead, they express their anger or frustration indirectly through behaviors such as giving the silent treatment or making sarcastic remarks, which can create confusion and distance within the relationship.  

• For example: Instead of saying, “I don’t like it when you cancel plans last minute,” the person says, “Whatever, it’s not like I expected you to show up anyway.”  

2. Low self-esteem  

Low self-esteem is a significant cause of passive-aggressive behavior. 

Individuals who doubt their worth may feel incapable of expressing their thoughts and emotions directly. They worry that voicing their needs will lead to criticism or rejection. As a result, they engage in passive-aggressive behaviors, hoping that their partner will notice their dissatisfaction without requiring direct communication.  

• For example: Instead of asking for help with chores, the person says, “I guess I’m just not good at getting things done.”  

3. Unmet emotional needs  

Unaddressed emotional needs often lie at the heart of what is the cause of passive-aggressive behavior in relationships. 

When people feel ignored or unappreciated, they may express their frustration through subtle actions, like withdrawing affection or showing indifference. These indirect expressions reflect a deep desire to have their emotional needs acknowledged without having to explicitly ask for it.  

• For example: When feeling ignored, the person says, “It must be nice to have someone who listens to you,” instead of directly asking for attention.  

4. Learned behavior from childhood  

Growing up in environments where open communication was discouraged can shape how people handle emotions as adults. Some people develop passive-aggressive habits because they witnessed similar behaviors in their family. This learned behavior becomes their default way of managing emotions, perpetuating passive-aggressive behavior causes in their adult relationships.  

• For example: After a disagreement, the person gives the silent treatment because that’s how conflict was handled in their family growing up.  

5. Feeling powerless or controlled  

People who feel powerless or dominated by their partner may use passive-aggression to reclaim a sense of control. Instead of addressing issues head-on, they procrastinate, “forget” tasks, or subtly defy expectations to assert themselves. This behavior becomes a way to express resistance without triggering direct conflict.  

• For example: Instead of refusing outright, the person says, “I’ll do it later,” and intentionally delays completing the task.  

6. Poor communication skills  

Some individuals lack the necessary communication skills to articulate their emotions assertively. Instead of directly stating what bothers them, they engage in passive-aggressive behaviors like sarcasm or backhanded compliments. This indirect communication style leads to misunderstandings and unresolved issues, preventing meaningful conversations from taking place.  

• For example: When upset about being left out, the person says, “Oh, it’s fine, you probably had more fun without me,” instead of admitting their hurt.  

7. Unresolved resentment  

Resentment from unresolved conflicts can simmer beneath the surface, contributing to what causes passive-aggressive behavior in relationships. When couples do not address past grievances, one partner might harbor anger and express it through passive-aggressive actions, such as subtle jabs or intentional neglect of responsibilities.  

• For example: After a previous fight, the person makes subtle remarks like, “At least some people remember birthdays,” instead of addressing their feelings.  

8. Fear of rejection  

Fear of rejection or abandonment is another significant cause of passive-aggressive behavior. Some individuals fear that expressing dissatisfaction directly will lead to relationship breakdowns. Instead, they engage in passive-aggressive actions, hoping to avoid confrontation while still expressing their unhappiness. This behavior often leaves their partner feeling confused and hurt.  

• For example: Instead of saying, “I wish we spent more time together,” the person sarcastically comments, “Well, I guess I’m your last priority.”  

9. Desire for revenge or payback  

Passive-aggression can serve as a form of revenge. Individuals who feel wronged or neglected may seek subtle ways to “punish” their partner, such as deliberately withholding affection or failing to follow through on promises. This passive retaliation reflects their unresolved anger and desire to make the other person feel the same frustration they experienced.  

• For example: When angry, the person “forgets” to do something important, like picking up groceries, as a way to retaliate.  

10. Unclear boundaries  

A lack of clear boundaries can lead to emotional overwhelm, especially when one partner feels taken for granted. Without setting limits, frustrations build up over time, causing individuals to resort to passive-aggressive behaviors to communicate their discomfort indirectly. Instead of openly discussing boundaries, they procrastinate or withdraw emotionally.  

• For example: The person agrees to babysit, then cancels at the last minute saying, “I just assumed you’d find someone else,” instead of setting boundaries earlier.  

11. Stress or burnout  

Stress from external factors—like work, financial pressure, or family issues—can influence relationship dynamics. When overwhelmed, individuals may lack the energy to engage in healthy communication, expressing their frustrations passively instead. Passive-aggression in such cases is not necessarily intentional but a byproduct of emotional exhaustion.  

• For example: After a long day, the person snaps, “Sure, I’ll clean the kitchen too,” with a bitter tone instead of expressing their exhaustion.  

12. Suppressed anger  

Suppressing anger is a common cause of passive-aggressive behavior. People who believe that anger is unacceptable or fear its consequences may bottle up their emotions. Over time, this suppressed anger surfaces in indirect ways, such as sarcasm, avoidance, or intentionally underperforming in shared responsibilities.  

• For example: When annoyed, the person makes backhanded compliments like, “Wow, you *finally* cleaned up—good job.”  

13. Cultural or gender expectations  

Social norms and cultural expectations around emotional expression can also contribute to passive-aggressive tendencies. In societies where certain emotions—such as anger—are deemed inappropriate, individuals may resort to passive-aggressive actions as a way to communicate their feelings. 

• For example: Instead of openly expressing frustration, the person says, “I’m fine,” with a cold tone, believing direct complaints are inappropriate.  

These causes highlight the complexity of passive-aggressive behavior. By understanding what causes passive-aggressive behavior, couples can work together to foster healthier communication patterns, addressing frustrations before they escalate. Recognizing and addressing the passive-aggressive behavior causes at their root helps prevent emotional distance and promotes long-term relationship growth.

How to stop being passive-aggressive in a relationship

Changing passive-aggressive behavior starts with self-awareness. Acknowledge your patterns and practice direct communication by expressing thoughts and emotions openly. You can also learn healthy conflict-resolution techniques to address issues calmly. 

Building emotional safety within the relationship is crucial—both partners should feel free to express themselves without fear of criticism. 

To further explore practical strategies for change, read here. 

Examples of passive-aggressive statements vs. constructive statements

In relationships, communication is key to maintaining understanding and connection. However, passive-aggressive statements often disrupt this flow, leading to misunderstandings and resentment. These indirect expressions of anger or frustration can create confusion and distance between partners.

By contrasting passive-aggressive remarks with constructive statements, we can better understand their impact on relationships. This comparison in the table below highlights the importance of direct communication in fostering healthy interactions and emotional intimacy.

To learn more about how to communicate effectively, watch this video:

Final thoughts

If you or your partner notice passive-aggressive tendencies in your relationship, it’s time to address them head-on. Identifying what causes passive-aggressive behavior—whether it’s unresolved resentment, fear of conflict, or poor communication—can help you take meaningful steps toward change. 

Open, honest conversations are essential to stop the cycle and rebuild trust. Make an effort to replace indirect remarks with constructive dialogue, allowing both partners to express emotions without fear.

Establishing boundaries and practicing empathy are key to fostering a healthier dynamic. 

Relationships thrive on transparency, so commit to dealing with frustrations directly rather than letting them simmer beneath the surface. By understanding the root causes and learning better communication strategies, you can create a relationship that feels emotionally safe and fulfilling for both of you.