How to Help Someone With BPD: 11 Ways to Support Your Spouse

Did you know that nearly 1.4% of adults in the U.S. have borderline personality disorder (BPD)? 

This means millions of couples are navigating the ups and downs of a BPD marriage—where love, conflict, and emotional intensity can feel overwhelming.

Being married to someone with BPD can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment, everything is perfect; the next, there’s an emotional storm you never saw coming. Do they lash out, then regret it? 

Do small disagreements turn into major arguments? Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, unsure of what might trigger the next outburst?

If you love your spouse but feel drained, confused, or unsure how to help them, you’re not alone. BPD marriage savers start with understanding, patience, and strong BPD boundaries—but what does that actually look like?

This article will guide you through how to help someone with BPD, from setting healthy boundaries to offering the right kind of support. 

You’ll also learn about the challenges of dealing with someone with BPD and practical strategies for making your relationship stronger. 

If you’ve ever wondered how to help someone with borderline personality disorder without losing yourself in the process, keep reading.

Understanding the dynamics of marriage and borderline personality disorder

Marriage is a journey of love, trust, and compromise—but when one partner has borderline personality disorder (BPD), the dynamics can feel different from a typical relationship. 

Living with someone with borderline personality disorder often means experiencing intense emotional highs and lows. One day, your spouse may be deeply affectionate and loving; the next, they might feel distant or overwhelmed by fear of abandonment.

Communication in a BPD marriage can be complex. Emotions can shift quickly, and misunderstandings may escalate faster than expected. This can leave both partners feeling confused, exhausted, or unsure of how to navigate these changes.

At the heart of it, love and commitment still play a major role. Learning how to help someone with BPD starts with recognizing these emotional patterns and understanding how they shape your marriage. 

With awareness and the right approach, it’s possible to build a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and fulfilling for both partners.

Major signs and symptoms of BPD

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) affects how a person thinks, feels, and interacts with others, often leading to intense emotions and unpredictable behavior. How to help someone with BPD or how to deal with someone with borderline personality starts with recognizing there’s a need of it.

If your spouse has BPD, you may notice patterns that seem confusing or overwhelming. Here are some key signs, explained with real-life examples to make them easier to understand.

1. Extreme fear of abandonment: People with BPD often fear being left, even when there’s no real reason to worry. 

For example, if you don’t reply to their text right away, they might assume you’re upset or planning to leave them. This can lead to emotional outbursts, pleading, or even pushing you away to “test” if you’ll stay.

2. Intense mood swings: One moment, your spouse might be joyful and affectionate, but something small—like a misunderstood comment—can suddenly make them angry or withdrawn. It’s like flipping a switch, and these emotional shifts can be exhausting for both partners.
3. Unstable self-image: Someone with BPD may struggle with their identity, often changing careers, hobbies, or personal goals. One day, they may feel confident; the next, they might call themselves a failure and question their worth. 

This instability can make it hard for them to maintain a sense of who they are in the relationship.

4. Impulsive or risky behavior: Your partner might engage in reckless actions, like overspending, binge drinking, or driving dangerously. For instance, after an argument, they might make impulsive decisions—quitting a job or suddenly canceling long-term plans—without thinking about the consequences.

5. Intense relationships that swing between love and hate: A common BPD pattern is idealization and devaluation—meaning they may adore you one day, calling you their soulmate, but suddenly criticize you the next. 

For example, they might tell you that you’re the only person they trust, but after a small disagreement, they accuse you of betraying them.

6. Chronic feelings of emptiness

People with BPD often describe feeling hollow or unfulfilled, no matter how much love and support they receive. They might constantly seek reassurance or feel restless, searching for something to make them feel complete.

7. Explosive anger and difficulty controlling it

Your spouse may have a short temper, reacting with intense rage over minor issues. Maybe you forgot to pick up groceries, and suddenly, they’re yelling or breaking things—not because they don’t love you, but because their emotions are overwhelming.

8. Self-harm or suicidal thoughts

Some people with BPD struggle with self-harm or suicidal thoughts, especially during emotional distress. If your spouse ever expresses these feelings, it’s important to take them seriously and seek professional support.

What are the challenges of living with a spouse having borderline personality disorder?

Having a constant negative self-image, engaging in self-harming behavior, making risky or impulsive choices, and a plethora of mood swings or intense emotions – mix it all together, and you have a perfect recipe for a tumultuous and disastrous relationship.

The above-mentioned symptoms are of borderline personality disorder.

Imagine you are someone who got married thinking that paying taxes, mortgage, and your child’s tuition money is all the stress you will face, and suddenly you come to know that your spouse is a patient of borderline personality disorder.

It is challenging to be in a relationship with someone having a borderline personality disorder.

The fear of abandonment raises the mistrust for their partners.

They must work harder than usual to make their partners believe in their love and feelings for them. The fear can stem from anything minor to major. It can stem from a childhood trauma such as parents getting divorced, getting lost, or the loss of a family member or friend.

Unfortunately, as time passes, this disease sets its root in the mind and body of its victim way deep, and it gets harder to make them believe otherwise.

On the other hand, people with borderline personality disorder are hyper-sensitive when it comes to the mood and feelings of their loved ones. They can sense the subtle change of mood before the person having them would be able to recognize it. It is all good, but sometimes people like to be left to their own devices, at least for the time being.

But sadly, people suffering from such a disorder do not have this filter to know when they are wanted and when not.

This can cause the already strenuous relationship more strain as people start to feel suffocated, like they cannot even feel something without being interrogated. People suffering from similar disorders will never be able to keep a lid on their feelings, nor will they be able to see it coming [ironic, isn’t it?]

The littlest of the things can set them off and they go back and forth with their feelings faster than a pendulum. You can never predict or plan anything beforehand.

All you can do is enjoy the good moments while they last.

How does BPD affect a marriage​?

Imagine getting married, thinking your biggest concerns will be paying the bills, managing a mortgage, or raising kids. Then, over time, you realize your spouse struggles with extreme mood swings, self-doubt, and overwhelming fears of being left alone. This is the reality of many couples struggling with BPD.

One of the biggest hurdles is trust. The fear of abandonment can make a person with BPD question their partner’s love, even when there’s no real reason to. 

They may need constant reassurance, working extra hard to feel secure in the relationship. This fear often stems from past trauma—like childhood neglect, divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, as time goes on, these insecurities can become deeply rooted, making it even harder to convince them otherwise.

On the flip side, people with BPD are extremely sensitive to the emotions of those around them. They can pick up on the slightest mood shifts before their partner even realizes they’re feeling off. 

While this deep emotional awareness can be a gift, it can also be overwhelming. Sometimes, people just need space to process their own feelings, but a partner with BPD might struggle to recognize those boundaries.

This can create tension, making the relationship feel suffocating. A spouse may start to feel like they can’t express their emotions freely without being questioned or scrutinized. 

And because someone with BPD experiences emotions so intensely, even the smallest triggers can lead to drastic emotional shifts—one moment they’re deeply in love, and the next, they feel hurt or betrayed.

This unpredictability makes planning for the future difficult. BPD marriage statistics show that relationships affected by the disorder tend to be more turbulent, but that doesn’t mean they’re doomed. 

When we think about how to help someone with BPD, the first step is obviously understanding these emotional patterns and learning how to manage them with patience and care.

Practical ways to support your spouse having borderline personality disorder

Loving someone with BPD can feel like an emotional rollercoaster—full of highs, lows, and unexpected turns. Some days, they might be incredibly affectionate, while other times, they may push you away out of fear that you’ll leave first. 

It’s not easy, but with patience and understanding, you can build a strong, supportive relationship. Here’s how to truly be there for your spouse.

1. Learn about BPD

When you don’t understand what’s happening, it’s easy to take things personally. If your spouse has BPD, their emotions can be overwhelming—not just for them, but for you too. Learning about BPD can help you separate the person from the disorder.

For example, if your spouse suddenly accuses you of not caring about them just because you came home late from work, it’s not because they actually believe you don’t care—it’s because their fear of abandonment is taking over. Knowing this can help you respond with reassurance instead of frustration.

Read books, listen to experts, and talk to people who understand. The more you learn, the more you’ll be able to support them in a way that actually helps.

2. Show confidence and respect

People with BPD often doubt themselves. They might believe they are “too much” or that no one will ever truly love them. If they see even a little bit of uncertainty from you—whether in your tone or body language—it can reinforce those fears.

When they say things like “I know I’m ruining your life” or “You’re better off without me”, it’s important to stay calm and firm. 

Instead of brushing it off or getting defensive, reassure them: “I love you. I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be.” Confidence in your commitment can go a long way in making them feel secure.

3. Manage conflict with attachment

Fights can escalate quickly in a BPD relationship. A simple disagreement can suddenly turn into, “You don’t love me anymore” or “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” Walking away or shutting down may seem like the easiest option, but to someone with BPD, it can feel like abandonment.

Instead, stay emotionally present. If things get too heated, try saying, “I need a moment to calm down, but I’m not going anywhere. We’ll talk about this.” This reassures them that the relationship is not at risk, even when you need space.

4. Encourage professional help

BPD is tough to manage without professional support. Therapy—especially Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)—can help your spouse learn coping skills. But they might resist the idea, either because they don’t believe it will help or they feel ashamed.

If they’re hesitant, don’t push them. Instead, try approaching it gently: “I know you’re struggling, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to go through this alone. Maybe we could look into therapy together?” 

Framing it as a team effort can make it feel less like a personal failure and more like something you’re tackling together.

5. Have fun together

When dealing with BPD, it’s easy for your relationship to feel like all work and no play. But you need good times, too. Having fun together reminds you that your relationship isn’t just about managing emotions—it’s about enjoying each other’s company.

Find activities that bring you both joy. Maybe it’s binge-watching your favorite show, trying a new restaurant, or going on spontaneous road trips. Even something as simple as playing a silly game can lighten the mood and strengthen your bond.

6. Be self-aware

Loving someone with BPD can be exhausting if you’re not careful. It’s easy to lose yourself in their emotions, constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering an episode. But your well-being matters too.

Pay attention to how you’re feeling. If you start feeling drained, overwhelmed, or resentful, take a step back. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Make time for yourself—whether that means going for a walk, talking to a friend, or just taking a deep breath before responding.

7. Take suicide seriously

Many people with BPD struggle with suicidal thoughts. If your spouse ever says something like, “I don’t see the point of living anymore” or “You’d be better off without me”, don’t ignore it. Even if it seems like something they say often, always take it seriously.

Instead of reacting with panic or anger, try saying: “I hear that you’re hurting, and I want to help. Let’s talk about this.” If the risk is high, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or call a crisis hotline. Your support can make a difference, but professional help is essential.

8. Set clear boundaries

Boundaries are not about controlling your spouse; they’re about protecting both of you. If you don’t set limits, you might end up feeling emotionally drained and resentful.

For example, if your spouse constantly calls or texts while you’re at work, set a boundary like, “I can’t always reply immediately, but I will always text back as soon as I can.” This way, they know they’re not being ignored, but you’re also not feeling overwhelmed.

Boundaries create a sense of stability, which can actually make your spouse feel more secure in the relationship.

9. Remind them of their positive traits

BPD can make people feel like they are fundamentally unlovable or broken. Sometimes, they need to be reminded of their good qualities.

If they’re feeling down, remind them of their strengths: “You’re such a caring person” or “Your creativity amazes me.” These little reminders can help them see themselves through your eyes instead of through their own self-doubt.

10. Don’t judge

LMHC Grady Shumway states,

The focus should remain on creating a supportive and balanced partnership, where both individuals can work toward personal growth and a healthier dynamic with mutual respect and understanding.

Your spouse’s emotions may seem extreme at times, but that doesn’t mean they’re not real. Instead of telling them they’re overreacting, try validating their feelings: “I can see that this is really hard for you. Let’s talk about it.”

Even if you don’t understand why they feel a certain way, you can still acknowledge their emotions. Validation helps them feel heard and reduces emotional outbursts.

11. Listen actively

Sometimes, your spouse doesn’t need advice—they just need to feel understood. If they’re venting about a bad day, don’t immediately jump in with solutions. Just listen.

Nod, make eye contact, and say things like, “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why that upset you.” Feeling heard can be incredibly comforting for someone with BPD.

Learn more about active listening with this detailed video:

Building a stronger bond

Grady Shumway concludes,

Commitment and compassion can go a long way in fostering growth and healing, especially when combined with professional support and mutual effort to navigate the challenges together.

Supporting a spouse with BPD isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about showing up, even when things feel messy. There will be tough days, but there will also be moments of deep connection and love. 

Your patience, understanding, and commitment can make a real difference in their healing process.

But remember, you’re not in this alone. Seeking help—whether through therapy, support groups, or even just talking to someone you trust—can keep you strong, too. The goal isn’t to “fix” your spouse but to walk beside them as they navigate their struggles.

If you’re wondering how to manage borderline personality disorder in your relationship, start by taking one step at a time. Educate yourself, practice self-care, and keep communication open. 

Your support can be a powerful force in their life, but don’t forget—you deserve support too. Keep learning, keep growing, and most importantly, keep showing up.