10 Stages of a Narcissistic Relationship & How to Cope

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Many testimonies from people who are in a relationship with a narcissist or have married a narcissist can be found on the internet. These testimonies have expressed that the non-narcissist spouse did not know they were married to a narcissist until it was too late.

While it may not be fair to judge, it’s still best to take caution when you marry and find out for sure whether your partner or spouse is a narcissist.

At least then, you will become aware and can start to take steps toward changing your fate. You also need to know about the stages of a narcissistic relationship to make sure that you are caught up in a relationship with a narcissist.

You may be asking how it is possible for someone who is mentally sound to fall victim to the techniques of a person with a narcissistic personality disorder.

But, if you are looking through the narcissist relationship stages or narcissist relationship cycle, you might start to realize why. If you are aware of these stages, you can save yourself from falling prey to narcissistic relationships.

What is a narcissistic relationship?

A narcissistic relationship pattern is one in which one or both partners have a narcissistic personality disorder. This disorder is categorized by a high sense of self-importance, an excessive need for attention, and a lack of empathy toward the needs and feelings of others. 

If either or both partners are narcissists, this can significantly shape the dynamic that they both share. It can make the narcissistic person be in control of the relationship and overpower the other partner. 

The narcissist in a relationship not only creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic but also damages the other partner’s self-worth and perception of reality. 

10 stages of a relationship with a narcissist

Being in a relationship with a narcissist does not start at a note that is unhealthy and filled with warning signals. It may start just like any other relationship, but narcissists may showcase their various harmful traits over time. 

Listed here are some of the stages of a narcissistic relationship that you may notice if you are with a person who has this disorder: 

1. Grand professions of love and commitment

In Robert Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, belongingness and the need for love fall in the third level of the hierarchy (the third level is the third most important factor we all need for optimal survival).  

It’s no wonder everyone seeks out the “greatest love of their lives” because it is a part of our need to belong and be loved.

Among the stages of a narcissistic relationship, this may be the trickiest one to gauge because, when love is new, we see everything through rose-colored glasses. People with narcissistic personality disorder are charming and are able to present themselves perfectly to people. 

They have a grand facade that hides every bit of their flaw. If narcissists find something in you that they can use or want, then they will do their best to lure you in.

Think about how male birds attract mates; they display colorful feathers. In the case of a narcissist, they will enamor you with words of affirmation and love. They will validate every bit of your existence until things start deteriorating. 

2. Dependency

Once you have fallen completely in love with a narcissist, you will find yourself dependent on them for everything. This is one of the certain stages of a narcissistic relationship. 

Dependent on their love and validation of you. Dependent and committed entirely and wholeheartedly to you and your partner as a couple. You may be a strong and independent person, but now your whole world will start spinning around this person.

Before getting into this relationship with a narcissist, you may have been a person who never needed any validation from anybody else – how things change when you are with a narcissist. 

You are now likely to be counting on their promise that they will never leave your side, no matter what. When they know that you depend on them and their “love and commitment,” they start using your responses as part of their reward mechanism.

The validation they freely gave away at the beginning of what you thought was a beautiful relationship will have lessened. The narcissist will now only use these validating affirmations to reward you when they get what they want from you.

When you supply them with fuel in the form of money, time, admiration, sex, or whatever else it is that they need from you, some might seek emotional or psychological benefits – such as enjoying making you feel bad or feel validated when they can see how much you need them.   

The validation and outpour of love that once were showered now become just well-calculated sprinkles to keep you hooked and enticed to play their game.

3. Mistreatment by criticisms

Next in the narcissistic relationship phase comes the criticisms, probably lots of them, sometimes carefully hidden and delivered passively aggressively. For others, they can be out and out bouts of chastisement.

Research conducted by experts shows that narcissists are particularly hostile towards criticism. It usually makes them defensive and even aggressive at times. At this stage of your relationship with a narcissist, you’ll probably begin to wonder if you did something wrong that might have caused this “upset” behavior.

You begin to question whether you did something wrong that might have displeased them or whether you have jeopardized the relationship in some way.

4. The frequent lying

One of the crucial stages of a narcissistic relationship is the constant outbursts of anger that are directed toward you. 

The reason behind these disproportionate reactions is often something minor: they have blown out of proportion or over nothing. And it is done to make you feel bad and establish the narcissist’s own superiority.

5. Excessive anger

After all the lying and the criticism, in the stages of a narcissistic relationship comes the next one, which is marked by outbursts of anger directed towards you and your actions. 

Often, you would experience the anger of a narcissist out of the blue, and the anger would often be an overreaction to a situation. And being the recipient of this anger can be very damaging for the partner. 

Grady Shumway, LMHC, says

These explosive reactions can leave the partner feeling constantly on edge, unsure of what might trigger the next outburst. Over time, the unpredictability and intensity of the anger can erode the partner’s self-esteem and create a toxic atmosphere filled with fear and anxiety.

6. The remorse

One of the significant stages of a narcissistic relationship is the excessive remorse that the narcissist might express if you try to walk away from the relationship. They might beg you to forgive them and express an intent to change their ways. 

However, the remorse is often not real, and it is usually just a way to manipulate you into staying with them and not breaking the narcissistic relationship cycle. 

7. Mistreatment by “gaslighting”

Gaslighting is one of the later stages of a narcissistic relationship. You will need to be extremely careful to identify if you are a victim of this phenomenon.

Gaslighting is the process of causing you to believe that you did something wrong when you didn’t, to such an extent that you start to question yourself.

You might even start to question whether you are losing your mind. Gaslighting is a manipulative technique that induces disorientation and confusion in the victim or target.

8. Control is established

Your guarded walls have finally crumbled in your relationship with a narcissist. You are now defenseless against any tactic that your narcissistic mate may inflict upon you. You have unwittingly given them complete control of you.

No matter what kind of mistreatment you receive from them, you look at them as if they have a halo over their heads or cannot survive without you, and you need to take care of them.

It’s a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome where instead of having ill feelings toward their captors, the victims had developed good feelings toward them, which, as you can imagine, can be dangerous if you are living with somebody who targets you and deliberately sets out to hurt you.

9. Obsession and renounced self-identity

It’s at this stage that you can assume that you will have lost yourself in your relationship with a narcissist. You will be wholly resigned over the thought that if you continue to show them how much you love them, they may love you back.

The cycle of needing their approval will go on and on. This is one of the most detrimental phases of a narcissistic relationship.

Grady Shumway further adds,

During this phase, individuals often sacrifice their own needs and desires in a futile attempt to gain the narcissist’s affection. This obsession can lead to a profound loss of self-identity, making it increasingly difficult to recognize personal values and goals outside the relationship.

10. Release and the danger of a relapse

Closing the stages of a narcissistic relationship is your new-found addiction. You now have developed the need to satisfy every demand of your narcissistic partner like a form of addiction that you can’t rid yourself of.

You no longer see your relationship as it is – a parasitic one. You live with the illusion that your narcissistic partner loves you when, in fact, they “need” you. 

Your partner never really loved you; they needed something from you, so they spent time making the elaborate prison they set up for you. Since they are narcissists, they do not see how much damage they have inflicted on you.

Should you manage to leave and release yourself from this abusive relationship, they will conduct another tactic to lure you back in.

However, this time, the more you try to deflect their efforts, the more they will put in. It is as if giving you the impression that they have finally changed, but it is all ultimately part of the narcissistic relationship cycle. 

You might fall back, or you might not. The word of advice is to take caution and be careful about getting into a relationship with a narcissist. In relationships, once the door has closed, sometimes it’s best to let it stay closed.

10 signs of a narcissistic relationship

Now that we have seen the various stages of a narcissistic relationship, you may want to consider signs of a narcissistic relationship that can help you identify the problem. Here are some of the key signs that you can look out for:

• Excessive admiration: A narcissistic partner constantly seeks excessive admiration and attention from their partner.
• Lack of empathy: They have little or no empathy for their partner’s feelings and struggle to see things from their perspective.
• Manipulation: Narcissists manipulate and control their partners to fulfill their own needs and desires.
• A constant need for validation: They constantly seek validation and self-worth through their partner’s admiration and approval.
• Self-centeredness: Narcissistic partners tend to be highly self-centered, always prioritizing their own needs and desires above their partner’s.
• Lack of accountability: They rarely take responsibility for their actions and often blame others for their mistakes or shortcomings.
• Grandiose sense of self-importance: Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others.
• Emotional abuse: They may engage in emotional abuse such as gaslighting, belittling, and manipulation to control and undermine their partner.
• Lack of boundaries: Narcissistic partners often invade their partner’s personal space and disregard their boundaries.
• Lack of genuine intimacy: They struggle to form deep emotional connections and are more interested in fulfilling their own needs rather than cultivating an intimate relationship.

It’s important to note that having a few of these signs does not necessarily mean someone is a narcissist. However, if you consistently observe these behaviors in your relationship, it may be a red flag that it is unhealthy and could be narcissistic in nature.

To learn more about the signs of being married to a narcissist, click here. 

Watch Ramani Durvasula, an American clinical psychologist explaining the danger of enduring a narcissistic relationship in this video:

How to deal with a narcissistic relationship: 5 ways

All is not lost just because you are going through the various stages of a narcissistic relationship with your partner. There are certain things that you can do to protect yourself and maybe the relationship as well. 

Here are some things that you do if you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissistic person:

1. Set strong boundaries in a clear and stern manner.
2. Detach them emotionally if their behavior is harmful to you. 
3. Don’t blame yourself for their mistakes and behavior.
4. Practice self-care and treat it as a priority. 
5. Believe their actions, not their empty words.

But if all these steps fail, you can consider going for relationship counseling. To learn more about how to deal with a narcissistic partner, click here. 

FAQs

A narcissistic relationship can be unhealthy for both partners. Here are the answers to some questions that can clear up your doubts regarding narcissistic stages and give you more clarity:

• Is it possible to leave a narcissistic relationship pattern for good?

Yes, it is possible to leave a narcissistic relationship, but it is not going to be an easy task. It will require you to be stern about the emotional boundaries that you set for yourself and detach yourself from your narcissistic former partner. 

You can also seek the help of a licensed therapist to help you through this process. 

• What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship?

At the end of a relationship, a narcissist will usually make things even worse for you as they become desperate to make you stay. 

A narcissist would try to find ways to manipulate you into staying, shifting the blame on you or even stalking you, as they may find it difficult to let go of the control that they previously had on you.

• Can a narcissistic relationship be salvaged?

Salvaging a narcissistic relationship is challenging. It requires both partners to acknowledge the issues, commit to therapy, and genuinely desire change. However, if narcissistic traits are deeply ingrained, it may be difficult to rebuild trust and empathy, making salvaging the relationship less likely.

• Is therapy effective in dealing with narcissistic abuse?

Therapy can be effective in dealing with narcissistic abuse, but it depends on the willingness of the narcissistic partner to attend therapy and actively work on their behavior. 

Therapists can help victims understand the dynamics of the abuse, establish boundaries, and develop coping strategies. However, healing and recovery may require ongoing therapy and support.

• How long does it take to recover from a narcissistic relationship?

Recovery from a narcissistic relationship varies from person to person. It depends on factors such as the duration of the relationship, intensity of the abuse, individual resilience, and access to support. 

It may take months or even years to fully heal and rebuild self-esteem, trust, and emotional well-being. Seeking therapy and support can aid in the recovery process.

Final thoughts

The various stages of a narcissistic relationship can be hard to endure and live with. So, you learn to identify these stages and the signs of narcissism in the relationship so that you can find ways to protect yourself. 

Follow the steps mentioned above to establish boundaries and even step away from the relationship if required. You can also seek the help of an expert to help you through this process.