15 Signs of Narcissistic Parents-in-Law and How to Deal With Them

Dealing with narcissism in close relationships can feel like walking through a minefield, tiptoeing around triggers and bracing for explosions.

Sound familiar? 

Maybe your Sunday dinners feel more like a battleground than a family gathering. Perhaps compliments always come with a sting in the tail, or your boundaries are consistently overstepped. If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re the problem, it’s time to take a closer look.

Do you ever find yourself walking on eggshells around your in-laws? Feel like your achievements are downplayed, and your flaws are under a microscope? Do their manipulative tactics leave you emotionally drained and questioning your self-worth?

If these scenarios hit close to home, you might be dealing with narcissistic parents-in-law. 

Think of this article as your compass through this challenging terrain. We’ll uncover some hallmark signs of narcissist parents-in-law, explore effective coping strategies, and empower you with the tools to deal with narcissistic parents-in-law confidently.

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Knowledge is your greatest ally. 

What do narcissistic parents-in-law mean?

What is a narcissistic parent-in-law? Imagine having in-laws who constantly need to be the center of attention, belittle your choices, or refuse to respect your boundaries. 

Narcissistic parents-in-law are those who exhibit traits of a parent with narcissistic personality disorder, making every situation about themselves and often causing emotional strain. 

They crave control and validation, disregarding others’ needs. Understanding what you’re dealing with can help you protect yourself from their manipulative behaviors and maintain your own well-being.

How does narcissistic parents-in-law affect your mental health

Narcissistic parents-in-law can take a heavy toll on your mental health, leaving you emotionally drained and questioning your worth. 

Living with narcissistic parents-in-law means constantly handling manipulation, criticism, and boundary violations, which can affect your overall well-being.

• Increased anxiety: The unpredictability of their behavior can keep you on edge, never knowing what will set them off.
• Self-doubt: Constant criticism can chip away at your confidence, making you question your decisions.
• Emotional exhaustion: Dealing with their needs while ignoring your own can lead to burnout.

15 glaring signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law

Here are 15 warning signs to help you identify and better understand their manipulative behaviors.

1. Only worried about themselves

They have a tendency to only be worried about themselves. This provides little time to be concerned about what their children need. 

And having a disregard for your kids could cause them to experience neglect in some instances.

2. Behaves in a childish manner

One of the signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law or parent is that they will likely behave in a childish manner, throwing tantrums and paying little concern to people around them. 

For instance, if they don’t want to hear what you have to say, they may refuse to talk to you or continue to talk over you.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, adds

They might even start to mock you or make slights at you.

This is something that can halt any compromise and cause a lot of frustration.

3. Not present for accomplishments

Has your partner’s parents ever missed an important event in their life? If they have, and for no good reason at all, you may have been living with narcissistic parents-in-law. 

Parents who experience this condition often don’t see their child’s accomplishments as noteworthy, so they choose not to acknowledge them. This can be anything from receiving an award to getting married.

Maggie Martinez further adds,

For example, a narcissist single parent would chose to go on a first date rather than see their child’s dance recital.

4. Outwardly seeming like they care

On the other hand, another of the narcissistic parent traits that you may notice is that a parent seems like they care for others. 

They may say nice things about their kids to others but never to their child. This alludes that they care and are giving a child the support they need.

5. Quick to criticize

Something else that you may notice when you are looking for signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law is that they are quick to criticize you. 

They may act as if they do nothing wrong and have never done anything wrong while telling you that you are not meeting the mark.

6. Having no empathy for you

A narcissistic parent will have no empathy for their kids. Perhaps you woke up from a nightmare and wanted someone to tell you it’s okay. Your parents may be unable to do that and instead, tell you that you are weak for being afraid and send you back to your room.

A narcissist parent might tell you that boys don’t get scared of nightmares and minimize your feelings.

says Maggie Martinez

While this isn’t the only answer a narcissist may give you, it is possible.

7. Not providing emotional support

Furthermore, a narcissist will have difficulty showing emotional support. They might tell you they are sorry that something happened to you or try to cheer you up, but in reality, they likely won’t be able to put in much effort to do so. 

Instead, they may be concerned about how this will affect them and how they feel.

8. Frequent mood swings

When you have a parent who has narcissistic traits, you may notice that they can get very angry and lash out at you sometimes. 

For example, if you ever go against their rules or make a decision that they didn’t agree with, they might become very angry with you when they yell and scream.

9. Not interested in spending quality time together

When you are looking for more signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law, consider if they want to spend time with you. If they don’t, it may be because they have no desire to get to know you.

They might have already decided what they think of you and are unwilling to change their mind or build up your relationship.

10. Using you to gain something

Sometimes a narcissist will use their child to try to gain something. They may wait until something bad happens to you so they can get sympathy from those around them. 

They may also try to guilt you into doing things for them in order to get the things that they want.

11. Blaming you for their problems

If you have ever been blamed for your parents-in-law’s problems, or when you asked them about the treatment you have received from them, they may tell you that it is all your fault. 

Keep in mind that you don’t have to believe them, and in many cases, what they are saying isn’t true in these instances.

12. Gaslighting

Yet another of the signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law is that they will likely gaslight you. 

When you come to them with a concern or want to talk to them about how they treat you or your spouse, they could tell you that you are crazy and they are not acting as you described.

13. May become jealous

A narcissist can become jealous of their child at any time for a number of reasons. It could be something as simple as they don’t like all the attention they are getting or because the child has something that they do not.

Understand that your accomplishments are yours and not anyone else’s, so you don’t have to be concerned whether your parent or parent in law approves of you meeting your goals.

14. Unable to handle big changes

They are unable to handle big changes. If you decide to move away or choose a career path that your parents-in-law didn’t say was okay, they may stop talking to you or yell at you repeatedly. 

This is one of the major signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law.

15. Offers conditional love

Perhaps one of the worst traits of a narcissist parent is that they offer love to their children in a conditional manner. 

It is understood that there are things you can do that will cause them to stop showing affection to you. This can be incredibly difficult to live with and cause distress to an individual.

10 ways to deal with a narcissistic parent-in-law

Here are 10 effective ways to help you protect your well-being and cope with their challenging behaviors with confidence:

1. Learn more about narcissism

One way you may learn about how to combat a narcissistic parent-in-law is to learn more about the condition and what it consists of. 

This can give you a better idea of how your in-laws may behave and what you may want to do to stay prepared for their behavior.

Start by: Reading articles or watching videos that specifically focus on narcissistic parents-in-law. This will help you recognize common behaviors and better understand the patterns that may be affecting your relationship.

2. Understand it isn’t about you

Something else to consider when trying to find out more about how to handle narcissistic parents is being aware that their behavior isn’t about you. They have a need to be the most revered person in the room. 

This also causes them to be concerned about their needs over others. It is highly unlikely that you did anything to make them behave this way.

Start by: Reminding yourself daily that their behavior is a reflection of their own insecurities and not your worth. Write affirmations that reinforce this and read them when you start feeling affected by their actions.

3. Don’t try to reason with them

You will be unable to convince someone with narcissism that they are acting in a narcissistic manner, which is why you should not try to. Keep in mind that you are allowed to have your own opinion about things, just as they are.

You should also make sure that you know that you don’t have to believe them just because they say something in a forceful manner. It is okay to think differently and behave how you want to, even if it is something they don’t want you to do.

Start by: Setting internal boundaries for yourself. Decide beforehand that you won’t engage in arguments or defend yourself against baseless accusations. Practice detachment when they try to provoke you.

4. Stay social

Try to stay social when you have noticed signs of a narcissistic parent-in-law, and you are experiencing stress or anxiety because of them. Talk to friends and family members and let them know what is going on.

You never know who will be able to provide you with some much-needed advice.

Start by: Scheduling regular meetups or calls with friends and supportive family members. Plan these social interactions ahead of time to ensure you maintain a solid support network while living with narcissistic parents-in-law.

5. Talk to a therapist

You can also choose to work with a therapist, so you can ensure that you aren’t being too hard on yourself or experiencing mental health concerns of your own. 

Furthermore, you can talk to your spouse about couples therapy, which may help you both overcome the effects of narcissistic in laws if this is something you would like to do.

Start by: Researching therapists who have experience with family dynamics or narcissism. You can also consider joining a support group, which can offer you a safe space to share experiences and gain insights from others dealing with similar challenges.

6. Take care of yourself

Make sure that you are taking care of yourself. This means that you should be taking steps to eat right, exercise, and sleep 6-8 hours a night. 

Doing these things can help you stay healthy and could provide you with a routine to get through so you can focus on things that are important, like your health and well-being.

Start by: Incorporating small self-care activities into your daily routine. Even taking 15 minutes for a walk, meditation, or reading can go a long way in preserving your mental health while dealing with a narcissistic parent-in-law.

Divorce attorney and author Rebecca Zung shares practical tips on self-care to cope with a narcissist. Watch here:

7. Tell them your expectations

As an adult, you are allowed to tell other people what you expect out of them. In the case of narcissistic in-laws, you can tell them what relationship they are allowed to have with your kids and how they will be welcomed into your home.

Start by: Practicing how you will communicate your boundaries clearly and calmly. Rehearse these conversations with your spouse or a friend, so you feel more confident expressing your expectations when the time comes.

8. Don’t let it affect your self-esteem

Do what you can to make sure that your relationship with a narcissist doesn’t harm your self-esteem. 

You should know that you, as an individual, are special and that there is no one like you. Surround yourself with people that will help you remember this.

Start by: Listing your strengths and positive qualities. Keep this list handy and revisit it whenever you feel your confidence wavering. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and celebrate your achievements.

9. Stay prepared

You never know what your narcissist in-laws will do, but you may be able to keep yourself prepared for them trying to change plans on you, gaslight you, or behave in another childish manner. 

It helps if you talk to your spouse about your situation and feelings so that you both are on the same page, no matter what happens.

Start by: Having a plan for dealing with common scenarios, like sudden changes in plans or attempts to manipulate. Discuss possible responses with your spouse and agree on strategies for staying united when facing narcissistic behaviors.

10. Keep your space if need be

If you are fed up with your in-laws, it is okay to keep your space at times. This can help you heal after they have stressed you out far enough, and it will also give you an opportunity to provide your family with the love and support they deserve.

Start by: Establishing a personal “safe space” at home—a place where you can retreat to when things get overwhelming. Let your partner know when you need time alone and take breaks as needed to recharge emotionally.

What happens when you ignore a narcissistic parent-in-law?

Ignoring a narcissistic parent-in-law can trigger various reactions, often escalating their behavior. Here’s a representation on what might happen when you choose to ignore them:

What to avoid when coping with a narcissistic parent-in-law?

Coping with a narcissistic parent-in-law requires careful management to protect your well-being. Here are some key things to avoid when dealing with their harmful behaviors:

1. Avoid getting drawn into arguments or defending yourself—they thrive on conflict and control.
2. Don’t waste your energy trying to gain their approval; their validation is often impossible to earn.
3. Remember, their hurtful comments are a reflection of their insecurities, not your worth.
4. Never give in to their demands at the expense of your own needs and boundaries—stand firm.

The way forward

Dealing with a narcissistic parent-in-law is no easy task, but remember—you are not powerless. You have the ability to set boundaries, protect your mental health, and prioritize your well-being. 

Every step you take to address these challenges brings you closer to a healthier, more peaceful life for you and your loved ones. Keep in mind that the journey won’t be perfect, and that’s okay. What matters most is your persistence and the support you cultivate along the way.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out for support, whether it’s from your partner, trusted friends, or a professional who can guide you. You don’t have to face this alone. Start small, set boundaries, and celebrate your progress.