5 Signs of a Dark Empathy in a Relationship and How to Deal

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Psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism all comprise dark personality traits that together reference as the “dark triad.” 

More recent literature indicates that sadism is included, culminating in the “dark tetrad.” One might presume that individuals with these traits would be absent of empathy, but it’s not as cut and dry as that.

Dark empaths leverage their empathic abilities alongside other traits to their advantage. While empathy is typically linked with altruism, individuals with dark triad characteristics exploit it as a valuable tool for understanding situations and manipulating others for their benefit.

These personality types are deemed dangerous because of their ability to pull others in close, which allows them a greater capacity to harm others at that point. 

The closer you get, the more you know and the more capable you are of hurting that person. Let’s learn more about the “dark sides of empathy” and see how we can handle situations when we are dealing with dark empathy.

What is a dark empath?

In defining a dark empath, the word empathy can seem out of place because the individual with this personality has a goal of “emotional detriment.” Authentic empathy needs a “prosocial and intrinsic emotional element,” per clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. 

That would mean you need to help someone experiencing any anguish or when an individual is pleased; your goal is to support what’s happening in their life. 

The empathy that goes into the dark follows the “cognitive” path. That is essentially understanding the other person’s feelings and emotions but not developing a connection with those emotions in the same context that a genuine empath would. 

When the dark empath personality sets its sights on someone, there is an intense focus on learning about the person, collecting information, and understanding the individual so the toxic empath can use it for their benefit.

More than anything, it’s the goal of this individual to take the things they learn and exploit their victim or manipulate them, intensifying any weaknesses the person might display while further exposing their grandiosity or what they believe to be superiority.

So, when it comes to empath vs dark empath, the distinction lies in their underlying motivations and approach to understanding and interacting with others. While an empath operates with genuine empathy, seeking to support and uplift individuals in both their joys and sorrows, a dark empath diverges from this path. 

What causes dark empathy?

Dark empathy involves understanding and sharing in the negative emotions of others, often with malevolent intent or outcomes. 

It can arise from a complex interaction of factors, including personality traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy (collectively known as the Dark Triad), a lack of genuine compassion, and a tendency to exploit others’ emotional vulnerabilities. 

Dark empath examples include individuals who possess traits commonly associated with the Dark Triad, and it can consist of charismatic leaders who exploit the emotions of their followers for personal gain or individuals who use their charm and manipulation to manipulate others in personal or professional relationships.

Individuals with dark empathy may use their insight into how others feel to manipulate, harm, or control them rather than offering support or understanding. A self-serving, insidious understanding and engagement with the emotions of others thus characterizes dark empathy.

LMHC Grady Shumway states,

Dark empathy can be particularly dangerous because it leverages emotional awareness for exploitation rather than genuine connection. Recognizing these behaviors in others is crucial to protect oneself from manipulation and emotional harm.

5 warning signs of a dark empath in a relationship

Considering a dark empath in relationships can be frightening since this character thrives on manipulation. Because the individuals hide behind an empathetic exterior, they’re difficult to recognize. 

The dark empath characteristics blend into the rest of society with little difficulty. Given their charm, most people don’t see the manipulation or recognize their true agenda. So, what are the signs of a dark empath? Below are 5 warning signs of a dark empath in a relationship:

1. They will use your words against you

The dark empath personality type is a brilliant, articulate, and exceptionally observant individual. The dark empath will have you feeling more understood than anyone before them. 

While they develop a distinct understanding of where you’re coming from and how you “tick,” they genuinely don’t care how you feel or what you’re saying.

The desire is to gather the knowledge to benefit from it or use it to their advantage. If they can exploit or manipulate, they will have achieved their goal. 

Empath dangers will drag you into a “web” of listening and understanding, leaving you in a pile of broken pieces with a sense of inadequacy.

The objective is that you come to depend on the depraved dark empath more, while at the same time, the struggles you’re experiencing are only increasing.

2. They will consume your energy

The dark empath strives to consume their mate’s energy. 

You will notice the dark empath symptoms comparable to those of a narcissist in a few ways, one of which will be that the individual will carry you to the height of ecstasy and joy, only to bring you to the point of devastation.

You will feel as though you have aligned with someone, a partner who thoroughly identifies with you. Still, it suddenly dawns on you that this person was only focusing their attention on learning what they could to take advantage of you, create self-doubt, and devalue you.

LMHC Grady Shumway states that,

A dark empath thrives on creating emotional highs and lows, leaving you drained and confused. Over time, this manipulation can erode your self-worth, making it crucial to recognize the signs early and set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

3. The insecure and sensitive ones are the primary victims

Among the most prominent signs of a dark empath is their innate ability to exploit those who exhibit trust and sensitivity. 

When pondering what an empath disorder is, the darker side of that trait is someone who wallows in the suffering of others instead of their joy and wallows in seeing their mates become powerless or “stranded in their life.” They thrive off of the insecure. 

The dark empath will intently pay attention, focusing on every word, but it needs the information, and you need to benefit them. If another person comes along with more tremendous advantages, they’ll either turncoat or will likely begin to deflate you to bring greater superiority to themselves.

4. They find themselves “infallible”

When you consider the dark empath meaning, it will make sense that these individuals have the idea that they are never wrong or at least are not accepting of that concept.

Empaths genuinely tend to grasp the thoughts and feelings of those they meet with a greater capacity than the average person. That doesn’t make them without fault, however. When people take the trait to the darker side, mistakes of the idea of being incorrect are not recognized.

Somehow, they find a way to make you see the incident as your fault and hold you accountable, and you will likely see repercussions. Planting self-doubt is a “talent” they use often.

5. There will never be an apology or regret

Among the dark empath signs, one of the signs to be mindful of is the person’s lack of sorrow for pain or exploitation. This plays into the concept of not being wrong; they see no reason to apologize. 

The individual feels justified for any sort of manipulation or behavior. Their idea is that any weaknesses or problems other people face are their own and will exploit them like the predators they are.

7 ways to deal with a dark empath 

Dealing with a dark empath, individuals who possess the unique ability to understand others’ emotions deeply yet use this understanding for manipulation, can be challenging and emotionally draining. 

Dark empathy can lead to complex dynamics in personal and professional relationships when wielded unethically. Here are 7 strategies to help you know how to deal with a dark empath and manage interactions with someone exhibiting dark empath traits:

1. Set clear boundaries

Establishing firm boundaries is crucial when dealing with a dark empath. Be clear about what behavior you will not tolerate and the consequences of crossing those lines. This approach requires consistency and a willingness to enforce boundaries, even when it’s uncomfortable. 

Remember, dark empathy might be used to test your limits, so staying firm can help safeguard your emotional well-being.

2. Maintain emotional distance

While it may not always be possible to avoid a dark empath entirely, especially if they are a coworker or family member, it’s crucial to maintain an emotional distance. This means not sharing personal information or feelings that could be used against you.

Keeping interactions professional and surface-level reduces the emotional leverage a dark empath can gain over you.

3. Strengthen your emotional intelligence

Enhancing your own emotional intelligence can be a powerful defense against dark empathy. By understanding your own emotions and developing a strong sense of self-awareness, you can better handle manipulative tactics. This includes recognizing when you’re being emotionally influenced and finding constructive ways to respond or disengage.

4. Seek support systems

Having a solid support system is invaluable. Friends, family, or a therapist can offer perspectives outside the influence of the dark empath. These support networks can provide emotional validation and help you reinforce your boundaries, offering advice and emotional comfort when dealing with manipulative behaviors.

5. Practice assertiveness

Being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive; it’s about expressing your needs and feelings confidently and calmly. 

When you communicate assertively, you’re less likely to be seen as a target by a dark empath. This skill can help you assert your boundaries and resist manipulation, enabling you to stand up for yourself in a healthy way.

Watch this video where relationship expert Esther Perel explains how you can be assertive without being aggressive:

6. Cultivate mindfulness and self-reflection

Mindfulness and self-reflection can help you remain centered and less susceptible to emotional manipulation. 

By practicing mindfulness, you can maintain a clear mind and stay grounded in your values, essential when interacting with someone who uses dark empathy. Self-reflection can also allow you to understand your vulnerabilities better, making you less prone to manipulation.

7. Educate yourself about dark empathy

Knowledge is power. Understanding the nuances of dark empathy, how it manifests, and its effects can prepare you for interactions with dark empaths. This includes learning about psychological tactics used in manipulation and how to counteract them.

Through reading, workshops, or therapy, education can equip you with the tools to identify and protect yourself from such behaviors.

FAQs

In exploring the concept of dark empathy, it’s essential to address common questions regarding its nature and impact on interpersonal relationships. Here are some frequently asked questions to shed light on the complexities of dark empathy.

• Should we consider the dark empath dangerous?

Yes, dark empaths can be considered dangerous due to their ability to understand emotions deeply yet exploit this knowledge for manipulation. Their unique blend of empathy and malice enables subtle control and emotional harm, making them potentially harmful in personal and professional relationships. 

Awareness and boundaries are key to mitigating their influence.

• Which personality types comprise the dark empath?

Dark empaths often exhibit traits from the “Dark Triad” personality types—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—combined with an empathic ability. This unusual mix allows them to empathize with others’ feelings while also engaging in manipulative, self-serving behaviors. Their empathic skills are used strategically rather than for genuine connection or support.

Final thoughts

It can be challenging to recognize a dark empath from the surface. These individuals are disguised as authentic empaths with an eternal charm and the ability to captivate the people they choose to bring into their world, only to manipulate, exploit, and overall bring harm.

The only way to see through a person of this “caliber” is to tap into the inner strength that is the only kryptonite for these villains. When you carry a sense of your own purpose and generate an air of personal power, the darkness can lose some of its superiority.