How to Fix an Anxious Attachment Style: 15 Helpful Tips

Do you ever feel like you need constant validation from your partner? 

Maybe a little separation anxiety sets in when they’re out of sight? 

These could be signs of anxious attachment, a common pattern that lands somewhere on the “needy” side of the relationship spectrum.

But what if I told you that anxious attachment can be fixed and doesn’t affect you lifelong? 

Learning how to fix an anxious attachment style involves finding healthier ways to connect and communicate within your relationship.

With the right approach, you can build a more secure and balanced emotional connection.

What is anxious attachment?

Emily always felt a pang of worry whenever her boyfriend, Jake, left for work. 

Would he miss her? 

Did he really care? 

These thoughts circled in her mind all day. She needed constant reassurance, texting him frequently, and felt uneasy if he didn’t respond right away.

Have you ever felt a similar need for constant validation in your relationships? 

Do you worry about your partner’s feelings when they’re not around?

These could be signs of anxious attachment, a pattern where individuals crave closeness but fear abandonment, often leading to clingy behavior and heightened anxiety.

It is an attachment style developed in early childhood that impacts how one forms and experiences close relationships in adulthood.

People with anxious attachment styles crave intimacy and closeness but often struggle to feel secure and confident within their relationships. This may emanate from a fear of abandonment, rejection, or not being good enough.

5 potential signs of an anxious attachment style

The attachment style we develop as children often carries into our adult relationships. If you grew up with an unhealthy attachment style, it might lead to anxious attachment, creating challenges in your relationships.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, highlights,

So, how can you tell if you have an anxious attachment style? 

Here are five signs to look out for:

1. You’re filled with doubt and paranoia

An anxious attachment in a relationship centers on doubt and paranoia. You constantly question every little thing that is going on in your relationship. This hurts—a lot.

If your partner cannot call you on their break, you might already have a scenario in mind, thinking, “Maybe he’s busy with another girl” or “She’s playing with me. She might be showing other guys that she’s single.”

How it impacts your relationship: The constant doubt and paranoia can strain your relationship, making your partner feel mistrusted and causing unnecessary tension. It can lead to frequent arguments and emotional exhaustion for both parties.

2. You try your best to suppress what you want and need

People with an anxious attachment style often work hard to make their relationship as perfect as possible. If they fight, it can be overwhelming for them.

Therefore, they might opt to suppress their feelings, needs, and wants, doing everything to make their relationship work and be the perfect love they desire.

How it impacts your relationship: Suppressing your needs and desires can create a lack of genuine communication and understanding. Over time, this can lead to built-up resentment, emotional distance, and an unbalanced relationship dynamic.

3. You always need reassurance

If you constantly need reassurance, you may have an anxious attachment style. You worry and are filled with doubt. Only reassurance from the person you love could pacify you—for a while. 

You may need to feel constant love and affection and hear words that validate these feelings. Unfortunately, this is also an unhealthy habit in a relationship.

How it impacts your relationship: The constant need for reassurance can place undue pressure on your partner, making them feel like they can never provide enough comfort. This can lead to frustration and a sense of inadequacy on both sides.

4. You are always out testing your partner’s love

You know you’re anxious if you don’t trust your partner’s love. Aside from overthinking, you also have a tendency or the need to “test” your partner’s love and loyalty to you.

For example: “I will set up a scheme to look like one of my friends has fallen for me. If she gets jealous, then she does love me.”

Or “I’ll create a dummy account and try to lure him by flirting. He won’t entertain this girl if he is faithful and loves me.” But what if the reaction wasn’t the one you were expecting?

Research highlight: Studies show that for relationships to thrive, partners need optimum trust, communication, emotional closeness, and understanding to avoid undue conflict and breakup intentions. Lack of trust reduces commitment, intimacy, and sustainability, leading to potential breakups.

How it impacts your relationship: Constantly testing your partner can lead to mistrust and resentment. It undermines the foundation of your relationship, causing hurt feelings and a breakdown in genuine communication and trust.

5. You are self-critical and insecure

An anxiously attached person tends to be very insecure and self-critical.

In their relationship, these deep-seated feelings make them feel as if they will be rejected, and due to this, they remain worrisome and not trusting.

It makes them act extra clingy and feel very dependent on their partner.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, notes,

How it impacts your relationship: Insecurity and self-criticism can lead to constant seeking of validation and approval from your partner, making you overly dependent on them. This creates an imbalanced relationship where one partner feels burdened by the other’s emotional needs.

15 tips for overcoming anxious attachment in a relationship

If you often feel insecure, constantly seeking validation from your partner, or find yourself overly worried about your relationship, you might have an anxious attachment style.

Learning how to fix an anxious attachment style can improve your relationship and bring more peace to your life. Here are 15 tips to help you overcome anxious attachment and build a healthier, more balanced relationship.

1. Understand your attachment style

Identifying and understanding your attachment style is the first step. Research and reflect on how your childhood experiences might have shaped your attachment patterns. Self-awareness is crucial in identifying anxious attachment triggers and working toward change.

How to reach your partner: Share your insights with your partner and explain how these patterns affect your relationship. This openness can encourage empathy and support from your partner.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been learning about attachment styles and realized how my past might be influencing our relationship. Can we talk about it?”

2. Practice self-compassion

Be kind to yourself as you work through your attachment issues. Understand that everyone has insecurities, and it’s okay to seek help.

Self-compassion can reduce the intensity of your anxious feelings and help you respond to situations more calmly, helping you learn how to fix an anxious attachment style.

How to reach your partner: Explain your journey toward self-compassion and ask for their encouragement. This mutual support can strengthen your bond.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself lately. It would mean a lot if you could support me in this.”

3. Communicate your needs clearly

Learning to express your needs directly and calmly can prevent misunderstandings. Clear communication helps your partner understand what you need to feel secure and loved, reducing the chance of anxiety-driven conflicts.

How to reach your partner: Practice having honest conversations about your needs without blaming or accusing. This approach builds a supportive and understanding environment.

Conversation starter: “Can we talk about what we both need to feel more secure and loved in our relationship?”

4. Focus on personal growth

Invest time in activities that build your confidence and independence. Pursuing hobbies, learning new skills, or spending time with friends can help you feel more secure and less dependent on your partner for validation.

How to reach your partner: Share your personal growth journey with your partner and encourage them to pursue their interests as well. This mutual support can enrich your relationship.

Conversation starter: “I’ve started picking up some new hobbies lately. What activities are you interested in that we can both support each other in?”

5. Set healthy boundaries

Establishing boundaries can help you feel more secure in your relationship. Determine what behaviors are acceptable and communicate these boundaries to your partner. Healthy boundaries promote respect and trust.

How to reach your partner: Discuss and agree on boundaries together. This collaborative approach can ensure both partners feel comfortable and respected.

Conversation starter: “I’d like to talk about setting some boundaries that can help us both feel more respected and secure.”

6. Challenge negative thoughts

Anxious attachment often involves negative, irrational thoughts about your relationship. Learn to identify and challenge these thoughts by seeking evidence that contradicts them.

Such a practice can reduce anxiety and improve your emotional well-being, showing you how to get over anxious attachment.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, says,

How to reach your partner: Share your efforts to challenge negative thoughts and ask for their support in reinforcing positive thinking. This teamwork can help both of you stay grounded.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been working on challenging some of my negative thoughts. Can we discuss ways you can help me stay positive?”

7. Build trust gradually

Trust is essential for overcoming anxious attachment. Take small steps to build trust with your partner, such as keeping promises and being reliable. Over time, these actions can strengthen your bond and reduce anxiety.

How to reach your partner: Talk about ways to build trust together and celebrate small successes. This positive reinforcement can encourage continued efforts.

Conversation starter: “I think building trust gradually is important. Let’s talk about small ways we can work on this together.”

8. Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation or deep breathing, can help you stay present and calm during anxious moments. Practicing mindfulness can reduce the intensity of anxious attachment triggers and improve your emotional regulation, helping you learn how to stop anxious attachment in relationships.

How to reach your partner: Encourage your partner to join you in mindfulness practices. This shared activity can create a sense of calm and connection.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been trying mindfulness exercises to help with anxiety. Would you be interested in trying them with me?”

9. Seek professional help

Therapy can provide valuable tools and insights for overcoming anxious attachment. A therapist can help you understand your attachment style, develop coping strategies, and work through underlying issues.

How to reach your partner: Discuss the possibility of couples therapy or individual counseling with your partner. Professional support can benefit both of you.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety. Would you consider joining me for couples therapy?”

10. Focus on positive aspects

Instead of fixating on potential problems, try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Celebrate your partner’s good qualities and the moments you share together. This shift in focus can reduce anxiety and increase satisfaction.

How to reach your partner: Share your positive observations with your partner and express gratitude. This positivity can reinforce a healthy, loving relationship.

Conversation starter: “I want to focus more on the positive aspects of our relationship. Can we make it a habit to share what we appreciate about each other?”

11. Practice patience

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work through anxious attachment.

Acknowledging and accepting that progress takes time can reduce frustration and stress and help you understand how to overcome anxious-preoccupied attachment.

How to reach your partner: Communicate your commitment to patience and ask for their patience in return. This mutual understanding can create a supportive environment.

Conversation starter: “I know this is a process, and I’m committed to being patient. Can we support each other through this journey?”

12. Avoid overanalyzing

Overanalyzing your partner’s actions can fuel anxiety and insecurity. Learn to take things at face value and avoid jumping to negative conclusions. This practice can help you maintain a more balanced perspective.

How to reach your partner: Share your efforts to stop overanalyzing and ask your partner to communicate openly with you. Clear communication can reduce misunderstandings.

Conversation starter: “I’ve noticed I tend to overanalyze things. Can we work on being more open with each other to avoid misunderstandings?”

13. Develop a support system

Having a strong support system outside of your relationship can provide additional sources of validation and comfort. Friends and family can offer perspectives and encouragement that help reduce your reliance on your partner.

How to reach your partner: Encourage your partner to build their support system as well. This balance can strengthen both your relationship and your individual well-being.

Conversation starter: “I think having a support system outside our relationship is important. Let’s encourage each other to spend time with friends and family.”

14. Focus on the present

Anxious attachment often involves worrying about the future or dwelling on the past. Practice focusing on the present moment and enjoying your time with your partner without letting anxiety take over. This can help you understand how to get rid of anxious attachment.

How to reach your partner: Plan activities that both of you enjoy and focus on creating positive memories together. This can help reinforce the importance of living in the moment.

Conversation starter: “I’ve been trying to focus more on the present. What are some activities we can do together to create happy memories?”

15. Celebrate progress

Acknowledge and celebrate the progress you make in overcoming your anxious attachment. Every small step forward is a victory and deserves recognition. Celebrating progress can motivate you to keep going and reinforce positive changes.

How to reach your partner: Celebrate your successes together. This shared celebration can strengthen your bond and encourage continued growth.

Conversation starter: “Let’s take a moment to celebrate the progress we’ve made. It’s important to acknowledge our efforts and enjoy our achievements together.”

What are the common triggers of anxious attachment?

Anxious attachment can be triggered by a variety of situations or behaviors, all of which tend to tap into the core fears of abandonment, rejection, or inadequacy. Here are some common triggers:

• Inconsistent communication

Irregular or unclear communication from your partner can lead to feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.

Dealing with it together: Sit down with your partner and establish a consistent communication routine. You might say, “Can we set a specific time each day to check in with each other?”

• Perceived rejection

Any form of perceived rejection or abandonment, even if unintentional, can trigger anxiety and fear.

Dealing with it together: Talk openly about your feelings and ask for reassurance when needed. For example, “I sometimes feel insecure when I think you might be upset with me. Can we talk about it?”

• Conflict or arguments

Frequent or unresolved conflicts can exacerbate feelings of insecurity and anxious attachment.

Dealing with it together: Work on healthy conflict resolution techniques together. You could say, “Can we find a way to discuss our disagreements without feeling like we’re attacking each other?”

• Lack of physical affection

Insufficient physical touch or affection can make someone with an anxious attachment style feel unloved or unwanted.

Dealing with it together: Express your need for physical affection and discuss ways to incorporate it more into your relationship. Try saying, “I feel more connected when we hug or hold hands. Can we try to be more affectionate?”

Watch Dr. Omri Gillath’s engaging TEDx talk as he discusses his groundbreaking research on the intrinsic benefits of secure relationships:

• Changes in routine

Sudden changes in routines or plans can cause distress and trigger anxious feelings.

Dealing with it together: Plan and discuss any changes in advance to avoid unexpected surprises. You might suggest, “Changes in our plans sometimes make me anxious. Can we discuss any upcoming changes ahead of time?”

Anxious attachment can be unlearned; be kind to yourself

It’s important to remember that anxious attachment is not a personal flaw; it’s a learned pattern that can be unlearned. The way you connect with others is a result of your early experiences, but it doesn’t have to define your future relationships.

Through self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to learn new ways of interacting, you can cultivate a more secure attachment style. Remember, anxious attachment is not a fixed condition, and it can be improved through self-work and healthy relationship practices.

Be kind to yourself throughout this journey. Celebrate your progress, and don’t be discouraged by setbacks. With dedication and the right tools, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships built on trust and security.