15 Telling Codependent Relationship Signs & Ways to Address Them

Codependency or love addiction? Everything in life can lose balance, even love. While some dependency in a relationship can be healthy, it can quickly turn destructive. 

Sadly, codependency comes with excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person. This imbalance shows up in a range of traits ranging from being overly controlling to excessively submissive. Either way, there are many warning codependent relationship signs.

What is codependency in relationships?

Codependent relationship definition refers to a dysfunctional pattern where one person excessively relies on another for their sense of self-worth, identity, and emotional well-being. It often involves an imbalance of power, with one person assuming a caretaker role while the other becomes dependent. 

Codependent individuals may struggle with setting boundaries, fear rejection or abandonment, have low self-esteem, and prioritize others’ needs above their own. This unhealthy dynamic can lead to a lack of personal autonomy, an inability to make decisions independently, and an ongoing cycle of enabling and control. 

The meaning of breaking free from codependent relationships involves establishing healthy boundaries, fostering self-care, and promoting individual growth and independence.

Warning signs of a codependent relationship

Is one of you in the relationship over-reactive or obsessive? What about focusing on mistakes with poor communication? Those are some of the warning signs of how codependency ruins relationships. 

Codependency is a learned behavior from childhood. Sometimes, our caregivers had to overly devote themselves to someone else if they were sick or battling a substance addiction. Then again, emotional codependency can also be passed down the generations.

You might exhibit codependent relationship signs if you never learned how to set healthy boundaries or express your needs as a child. This often translates into being a people-pleaser in adult life. Other alarm bells include being overly loyal, self-sacrificing, or, perhaps counterintuitively, excessively controlling.

Wondering, “Why codependent relationships don’t work?”

Relationship codependency ends up in a vicious circle where one partner is the enabler. Narcissists play that role very well because they thrive on having someone who needs them. Read this article if you find yourself constantly asking for approval.

15 signs of how codependency ruins relationships

You might be asking yourself how codependency affects relationships. After all, if the enabler and codependent have found their rhythm, perhaps it can work. With time, codependency erodes any sense of partnership and potential growth.

But first, let us learn to identify codependent relationship signs that are a cause for concern:

1. Creates distrust and resentment  

Emotional codependency can involve control patterns. This is where the codependent becomes resentful if the other one doesn’t accept their advice or help. They might even use sexual attention or other favors to influence the other person.

Assuming that person isn’t an enabler, this usually creates distrust. They also start feeling used and manipulated, which will push them away. 

This starts the vicious circle of codependency in relationships. The codependent becomes increasingly needier. So, the other one either ends up complying or pulling away completely. Either way, they’re unhappy.

2. Jealousy

Feeding the addiction is how codependency ruins relationships. 

Codependents essentially sacrifice their needs, and their world revolves around the other person. This can go to dark extremes, with the codependent shutting off the other person from friends and family. Their jealousy can go to such lengths that the person ends up complying out of fear and stress.

As therapist Darlene Lancer explains, jealousy comes from feeling inadequate. This is a common source of internal shame for codependents. Essentially, any instance of saying no in a relationship sets off the codependent into a whirlwind of shame. This can then turn into aggressive reactions against their partner.

3. No self-care

At some point, people crack when focused on someone else to the extent that they deny their identity, feelings, and needs. That’s how codependency ruins relationships because deep down, codependents blame the other person. They expect people to be mind-readers and to know exactly how to meet their needs.

In the words of Licensed Professional Counselor Christiana Njoku,

As much as you can, don’t lose yourself in a relationship. For your sanity and peace of mind, make conscious effort to take care of yourself in a relationship.

Key symptoms of codependency can come from a lack of self-care. In fact, there’s no self because codependents lose themselves in the other person. With time, the codependent can become an emotional wreck, which puts their mental health at risk. This clearly puts a strain on both partners.

4. Loneliness 

“Am I in a codependent relationship?”

Codependency is hugely confusing and terrifyingly lonely. You think that your enablers are meeting your needs, but deep down, you feel empty. The worst part is that you don’t see your codependency in relationships and that you’re actually creating your own loneliness.

Generally, codependents suffer from deep internal shame surrounded by a gap that they’re desperately trying to fill with love. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to? So, codependents look for love in people they want to fix, but those people are usually also broken inside and resist.

Without mature communication skills, both partners struggle to be intimate. Basically, they don’t know how to talk about their emotions. This throws them into the vicious circle of clinging and pushing away. The breakup that usually follows is then devastating for codependents who validate themselves through their external partners.

5. Negativity becomes the norm

The toxic dynamic that’s created is how codependency ruins relationships. You might observe the people-pleaser with the narcissist or the highly sensitive, needy one paired with the emotionally distant. Either way, this imbalance drives negativity.

The codependency relationship signs are then passive aggressiveness or silent anger. At some point, the codependent can’t quite get enough from their enabler, and the blame kicks in. The friction that follows is emotionally exhausting for both people, such that nothing seems positive ever again.

6. Controlling traits creep in

So, are you wondering, “How does codependency affect relationships?” 

When someone has low self-esteem, they sometimes find their worth through someone else’s actions and general existence. Sadly, their attempts to help fix mistakes go too far, and they appear controlling. 

They are so desperate to make the other person perfect, for their own good, of course, that they forget that humans need to accept their faults. That’s how codependency relationship signs present themselves.

It’s emotionally draining to be in a friendship or a relationship with someone who can’t accept you for who you are. Codependents then compensate by showing typical symptoms of codependency. That means they get too involved in your life and even appear at your doorstep or invade your personal space at inappropriate times.

7. No real intimacy

Codependents crave connection and intimacy. The very nature of their fear of abandonment and rejection means that they can never get deeply close to someone. It’s a strange and horrifying paradox to live with that can never be resolved without a fundamental internal shift.

To be truly intimate with someone, you need to understand your feelings and know how to express them. Codependents never learned how to do that, which is how codependent relationship signs can take over what you and your partner share.

8. Mismatched responsibilities

Codependents want to help other people so they can feel good. Essentially, people with enmeshed identities believe they are improving themselves by helping others. This can make codependents take on too much responsibility, which is another cause of how codependency ruins relationships.

Again, it’s a strange paradox to experience. On the surface, the codependent is doing extra things on behalf of the other person, which might seem generous. Deep down, they secretly need more thanks and more adoration than anyone can give. When these excessive and silent demands aren’t met, both parties get frustrated.

9. Obsessiveness and clinging

Without setting boundaries, codependency traits protect people from having to face their issues of low self-esteem. Codependents do this by clinging to their object of desire. That person then becomes an extension of the codependent’s identity and esteem. 

This quickly turns into obsessiveness and even martyrdom. No one wants these kinds of codependent relationship signs.

10. Poor communication

A clear sign of codependency is reactivity and passive-aggressiveness. As general people-pleasers, codependents struggle to say no, and they become resentful because they keep saying yes. That’s another sure way for you to see codependent relationship signs.

Here is how Christiana Njoku explains it,

The moment you discover that you are not decisive and it takes the consent of your partner before you can do anything on your own, you are simply in a codependent relationship.

Other signs might include not being able to decide anything without their partner or being embarrassed to accept gifts. With low self-esteem, they don’t feel they’re worthy of receiving anything and don’t know how to say thank you. 

11. Drives inequality  

A codependent relationship involves a giver and a taker. While this might seem perfect at first, if taken too far, it can create frustration and discontent. Of course, that doesn’t mean that we don’t have different skills to offer in a relationship. Nevertheless, the alarm bell should ring when the imbalance is always on one side.

If you’re still unsure of where you are in the imbalance, then try out this quiz. It will give you a good idea if you’re seeing codependent relationship signs or not. 

12. Encourages emotional abuse

Having someone overly attentive to you does strange things to the ego, which is also how codependency ruins relationships. After a while, the other person starts becoming distant to protect themselves or to feel even mightier. As a consequence, the codependent keeps trying harder to change them.

Codependents affect their partners by making them even more narcissistic. This naturally leads to the other one taking advantage of the codependent.

13. Blaming

Overall, codependents want the other person to meet their needs in a way that no one can. After all, they don’t even know what their needs are. This leads to blaming because codependents struggle to understand that they are in control of their happiness.

No one can give them happiness, but they keep hoping, which is how the relationship gets ruined by codependent relationship signs. Ultimately, no one can live up to their expectations.

14. Manipulative

Codependent relationship signs come in many forms, ranging from compliance to control patterns. 

Those who tend to control themselves can use charm and charisma to get what they want. They’ll even shame people into achieving their goals while never being willing to compromise or negotiate. This can turn quite nasty, which is also how codependency ruins relationships.

15. No growth 

One of the saddest parts of codependent relationship signs is that both parties want to do the right thing and help each other. They simply don’t know how to. So, they get caught in a cycle of hurt and pain where neither one can develop emotionally.

Even those who’ve persevered in marriage throughout the years, perhaps to save face in front of society, feel empty inside. As neither one can meet the other’s needs, anxiety and fear grow while stress deepens.

How to break codependency routines

Codependents struggle with low self-esteem, which is often how codependency ruins relationships. It can be suffocating when people need each other so much that they can’t operate outside the relationship. 

The good news is that we now know that anyone can change codependent relationship signs by reinforcing new ones. This is thanks to brain plasticity, as biomedical lecturer Duncan Banks explains.

The first step is to accept that we have codependent or enabler habits. After that, you can actually open your mind to be curious enough to observe your habits. At the same time, you can learn about what healthy relationships look like. 

It’s also important to not over-romanticize relationships and expect the other person to be our everything. We need friends, family, and time alone. That’s why we need to learn to connect to our emotions and feelings and understand what our personal needs are.

When setting boundaries, codependency naturally decreases. That’s because you discover yourself and what you want in life. With that comes self-respect and self-esteem. Through self-compassion, you’ll learn to accept yourself as you are, flaws and all.

7 ways to stop relationship codependency

If you’re still asking, “What is codependency in a relationship?” think of it as an unequal situation where one person is the caretaker or the controller. The other person is left with the choice of either becoming completely detached or sitting back and enjoying the adulation. Both those approaches are equally dysfunctional.

If you want to stop the toxic patterns, you first have to understand the answer to the question, “What is codependency in a relationship?” and look at your role. Are you the enabler, or are you the one who depends on your partner or friend? Only by accepting where we are can we hope to change anything.

Codependency in relationships can be challenging and detrimental to both individuals involved. If you’re looking to break free from relationship codependency, here are seven strategies to consider:

1. Self-awareness

Start by recognizing and acknowledging the signs of codependency in your relationship. Reflect on your behavior, emotions, and patterns of thinking to gain a better understanding of how codependency manifests in your life.

2. Establish boundaries

Set clear and healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Learn to say no when necessary and prioritize your needs and desires. Communicate your boundaries effectively with your partner and enforce them consistently.

3. Develop self-care practices

Focus on self-care activities that promote your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship. Prioritize self-care regularly to nurture your own growth and independence.

Christiana Njoku advises,

One of the ways to break free from codependency is simply not to let your whole life revolve around your partner. You have a life before the relationship, make the most of it.

4. Seek individual therapy or counseling

You can work on targeting codependent relationship signs by going to a mental health expert. 

Working with a therapist or counselor can provide valuable support and guidance in addressing codependency issues. A professional can help you explore the underlying causes of codependency, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and build self-esteem.

5. Cultivate a support network

Surround yourself with a strong support system of friends, family, or support groups. Share your experiences, concerns, and triumphs with individuals who understand and can offer unbiased perspectives. Having a support network can provide validation, encouragement, and alternative viewpoints.

6. Develop personal interests and hobbies

Rediscover your individuality and passions by pursuing your own interests and hobbies. Engaging in activities that bring you fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment can boost your self-esteem and reinforce your independence.

7. Practice assertive communication

Learn to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct and assertive manner. Avoid passive or aggressive communication styles that may perpetuate codependent patterns. Effective communication fosters healthy interdependence and allows both individuals in the relationship to express themselves freely.

Remember, breaking free from codependency is a process that takes time, patience, and commitment. Be gentle with yourself and celebrate even the smallest steps of progress along the way.

Watch this video to learn the beauty of assertiveness:

Some commonly asked questions 

Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can help give you more clarity on the matter:

• Can a relationship survive after codependency?

Yes, a relationship can survive after codependency, but it requires both individuals to actively address and work on their codependent patterns. 

Through self-awareness, therapy, setting boundaries, and fostering individual growth, couples can rebuild a healthier and more balanced dynamic. It requires open communication, mutual support, and a commitment to personal and relational growth. 

With dedication and effort, couples can overcome codependency and develop a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.

• What can I do if I am in a codependent relationship?

If you find yourself in a codependent relationship, there are a few steps you can take. 

First, increase your self-awareness and recognize the signs of codependency. Set and enforce healthy boundaries, prioritize self-care, and engage in individual therapy or counseling. Cultivate a support network and develop personal interests. Practice assertive communication to express your needs.

Can you fix a codependent relationship? 

Breaking free from codependency is a process that requires time and effort, but with determination, it is possible to establish healthier dynamics in your relationships.

Final thoughts

So, how does codependency affect relationships? It’s a toxic dynamic where people don’t know how to express their true feelings, nor do they have equal standing in the relationship. Over time, it creates friction and loss of love, if there ever was any in the first place.

How to break codependency takes personal work and a lot of support. This can be either through therapy or group sessions such as with Codependents Anonymous or CoDA. 

As a recovering codependent, it is possible. The journey is tough, but with the right support, it becomes a challenge that you never regret taking on. Then, one day, you wake up actually feeling happy about yourself, despite all your flaws. That’s when you know you’ve made it to the other side.