11 Common Traits of an Empathic Narcissist & How to Cope

Imagine someone who comforts you when you’re down, only to later dismiss your concerns as trivial. This person is an empathetic narcissist—a complex blend of self-absorption and genuine care. 

At first glance, their empathic tendencies draw you in, making them seem understanding and attentive. However, this empathy often serves their own emotional needs and desire for admiration.

An empathetic narcissist can create a perplexing and challenging relationship dynamic, filled with mixed signals and contradictory behaviors. This article delves into the traits of such individuals, helping you navigate and manage relationships with them more effectively.

Who is an empathic narcissist? 

An empathic narcissist is a complex individual who displays both narcissistic and empathetic traits. They can understand and recognize others’ emotions, but their primary focus remains on their own needs and desires. This empathy is often used as a tool for manipulation or to enhance their own image. 

While they may appear caring and compassionate, their actions are often driven by self-interest rather than genuine concern for others.

11 common traits of an empathetic narcissist 

Navigating relationships with individuals who present conflicting traits can be perplexing and demanding. One such complex personality is the empathetic narcissist, who blends characteristics typically seen as polar opposites—empathy and narcissism. 

Understanding this personality type requires a deeper look into their unique behaviors and the signs of empathy they occasionally exhibit.

1. Charming but superficial

Empathetic narcissists are often very engaging and charismatic, especially in initial encounters. They know how to make a strong, positive impression but may lack depth in their relationships, as their charm is often surface-level and deployed to gain admiration or favor.

• For example: At a party, an empathetic narcissist might dazzle everyone with engaging stories and compliments, but close friends notice that these interactions lack genuine interest or follow-through.

2. Sensitive to criticism

 

 

Despite their capability to empathize, empathetic narcissists are extremely sensitive to any form of criticism. They may react with intense defensiveness or anger if they feel slighted or judged, which starkly contrasts with their otherwise understanding persona.

• For example: When given a minor suggestion at work on improving a presentation, an empathetic narcissist may react defensively, taking the feedback as a personal attack rather than constructive criticism.

3. Manipulative empathy

Empathetic narcissists have the ability to understand others’ emotions, which they can use to their advantage. This manipulative use of empathy allows them to influence and control others by playing on their emotions, often without the other person realizing it. This raises the question: do narcissists feel empathy, or do they mimic it strategically?

• For example: An empathetic narcissist might console a colleague who didn’t receive a promotion, only to later persuade them to support a project that boosts their own status at work.

4. Attention-seeking

They crave attention and affirmation from others and will often go to great lengths to remain at the center of attention. While they can be supportive, their supportive acts are usually designed to keep the spotlight on themselves and reaffirm their need for admiration.

• For example: In a group setting, they might dominate conversations, constantly steering the topic back to their own achievements or experiences, ensuring they remain the focal point.

5. Conditional generosity

Their acts of kindness or generosity are typically calculated and conditional. Empathetic narcissists are likely to be generous when they know their actions will be acknowledged by others or can bring them some form of personal gain.

• For example: They may volunteer to help a friend move but repeatedly bring up their own sacrifice and expect the friend to be available anytime they need a favor in return.

6. Conflicted self-image

Empathetic narcissists can exhibit a complex self-image that alternates between high self-esteem and significant self-doubt. Their confidence may appear strong, but it is often brittle, with insecurity lying just beneath the surface.

• For example: An empathetic narcissist might boast about their professional achievements at one moment, yet privately express insecurity about not being good enough or competent in their role.

7. Fluctuating mood

Their emotional state can change rapidly. One minute they might show deep empathy and concern, and the next they could become cold and detached. This unpredictability is often confusing and unsettling for those close to them.

• For example: During a family dinner, they might initially show great interest and compassion towards a relative’s issues but become cold and disinterested once the conversation no longer revolves around them.

8. Inconsistent behavior

There is a significant inconsistency in how empathetic narcissists behave from one moment to the next. Their treatment of others can drastically change based on their mood, the situation, or what they hope to gain, making their behavior unpredictable.

• For example: They might be extremely kind and considerate to someone when they believe others are watching, but become dismissive or rude in private or when they feel the interaction no longer benefits them.

9. Compartmentalization

Empathetic narcissists often compartmentalize their lives, showing different facets of their personality to different people or in different contexts. This ability allows them to maintain a facade where necessary while behaving differently in private.

• For example: To different friends, they might present contrasting personalities—being a devout philanthropist to one while showing off a lavish, extravagant lifestyle to another.

10. Need for control

Even in their empathy, there is often an underlying motive of controlling relationships and dictating how interactions unfold. They use their emotional insight to steer conversations and relationships in directions that benefit them, highlighting the narcissistic lack of empathy in their motives.

• For example: In relationships, they might dictate where to eat, what to watch, and how to spend free time, subtly undermining their partner’s preferences to ensure their own needs are prioritized.

11. Strategic relationships

The relationships maintained by empathetic narcissists are often strategic rather than purely based on affection or common interests. They choose relationships that provide them with emotional, social, or professional benefits, often at the expense of genuine connection, which is a clear sign of how can narcissists have empathy yet not fully engage it genuinely.

• For example: They maintain a friendship with a higher-up in the company, showing care and concern for them, primarily because it helps them gain insider information and favors, rather than out of genuine friendship. 

How to cope with an empathetic narcissist: 9 ways 

Interacting with an empathetic narcissist can be a delicate balancing act. Understanding the unique blend of empathy and self-centeredness that defines an empathic narcissist is crucial to maintaining a healthy dynamic. 

These nine strategies will guide you in handling the complexities of an empathetic narcissist relationship, fostering a more stable environment for both parties involved.

1. Set clear boundaries

Creating and maintaining clear boundaries is crucial when interacting with an empathetic narcissist. Define what behaviors you are and are not willing to tolerate. Firm boundaries can help prevent emotional manipulation and protect your well-being.

 

• Start with this: Write down your non-negotiable boundaries and communicate them during a calm moment. For example, if you need personal space to recharge, specify times when you are unavailable. Regularly revisiting and affirming these boundaries will make them more respected and clear.

2. Communicate clearly

Since empathetic narcissists can often manipulate conversations, it’s essential to communicate in a straightforward and unambiguous manner. Avoid leaving things implied or unsaid; express your needs and expectations clearly to minimize misunderstandings.

• Start with this: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory, such as “I feel overwhelmed when discussions escalate quickly. Can we take a moment to cool down?” This method reduces defensiveness and clarifies your needs without blame.

3. Avoid power struggles

Empathetic narcissists often seek control, leading to power struggles. Avoid engaging in these battles by not reacting defensively or competitively. Choose your battles wisely and decide when it’s worth standing your ground and when it’s better to disengage.

• Start with this: When you sense a power struggle emerging, consciously choose to step back rather than escalate the situation. You can say, “Let’s discuss this when we’re both less heated,” to prevent conflicts from worsening.

4. Seek external support

Dealing with a complex personality alone can be overwhelming. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals like therapists can provide you with the perspective and encouragement needed to handle the challenges effectively.

• Start with this: Identify a therapist or a support group that specializes in dealing with narcissistic relationships. Attending regular sessions can provide you with the tools and the support network necessary to handle your relationship dynamics more effectively.

5. Stay grounded

Maintaining a strong sense of self is vital. The emotional roller coaster associated with narcissists can sometimes lead you to question your feelings and perceptions. Staying grounded in your values and beliefs can help you navigate the relationship more effectively.

• Start with this: Develop a daily routine that includes mindfulness practices like meditation or journaling. These activities can help maintain your emotional balance and reduce the impact of the narcissist’s fluctuating moods on your mental state.

6. Document interactions

Keeping a record of interactions can help you maintain a clear perspective on the reality of situations. This is especially useful in moments of doubt, as empathetic narcissists can twist facts or situations to fit their narrative.

• Start with this: Keep a journal or a digital log where you note down key interactions, including dates, times, and what was discussed. This can serve as a valuable reference to keep track of patterns and inconsistencies in behavior.

7. Practice self-care

Prioritize your own mental and physical health. Engaging with an empathetic narcissist can be draining, so it’s important to take time for yourself. Engage in activities that rejuvenate your spirit and keep you healthy.

• Start with this: Schedule regular “me time” into your calendar just as you would any other important appointment. Whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or simply quiet time, make it a non-negotiable part of your week.

8. Educate yourself

Understanding narcissism and empathy can give you a clearer insight into why an empathetic narcissist behaves the way they do. Education can also equip you with strategies to handle their behaviors more effectively.

• Start with this: Read books, watch documentaries, and attend workshops about narcissism and emotional manipulation. Knowledge is power, and understanding the psychological underpinnings of narcissistic behaviors can empower you to deal with them more effectively.

9. Consider professional help

In some cases, it may be beneficial for both you and the narcissist to seek therapy. A professional can offer guidance and tools to manage the relationship dynamics, helping both parties navigate the complexities more healthily.

• Start with this: If therapy is an option, encourage your partner to attend sessions with you but also seek individual therapy for yourself. For your sessions, choose a therapist who understands the dynamics of empathic and narcissistic behaviors to provide personalized guidance and coping strategies.

5 troubling risks of being in a relationship with an empathetic narcissist 

Being in a relationship with an empathetic narcissist presents unique challenges. While they can offer moments of genuine care, their underlying narcissistic traits often lead to complex dynamics. Recognizing the risks and implementing effective strategies can help mitigate these challenges, fostering a healthier relationship dynamic. 

Here’s a look at the major risks and practical solutions:

Risk	Impact	Solution
Emotional exhaustion	Constant emotional demands can leave partners feeling drained.	Prioritize self-care and set time for personal activities that rejuvenate you.
Confusion and doubt	Inconsistent behavior leads to self-doubt and questioning reality.	Maintain a personal journal or diary to keep perspective and reinforce your own perceptions.
Unfulfilled emotional needs	Empathetic narcissists often prioritize their needs, neglecting their partners’.	Communicate your needs clearly and consider therapy to address unmet emotional requirements.
Dependency	Partners may become overly reliant on the narcissist for emotional fulfillment.	Foster independence by cultivating interests and relationships outside of the partnership.
Conflict	Frequent and intense disagreements arise from the narcissist’s need for control and sensitivity.	Develop conflict resolution skills and consider couple’s therapy to manage disputes effectively.

To become more familiar with the dangers of enduring a narcissistic relationship, watch this video by Dr. Ramani:

Final thoughts

Navigating a relationship with an empathic narcissist demands a blend of understanding, resilience, and strategic boundary-setting. Recognizing the unique traits of an empathic narcissist helps in foreseeing potential challenges and managing interactions more effectively. 

While it’s crucial to nurture compassion for their condition, equally essential is safeguarding your own emotional well-being. Ensuring you have adequate support, whether through friends, family, or professional counseling, can provide the strength needed to maintain balance. 

Always remember that while you may influence positive changes in the relationship, your first responsibility is towards your health and happiness. 

Seek professional guidance when necessary to make informed decisions about your involvement in such complex relationships.