Scapegoat Syndrome in Marriage: Signs, Effects & How to Deal

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Do you relate to feeling blamed for a lot of things in your marriage, even when it doesn’t feel fair? 

Like you can’t quite catch a break? 

That feeling can be really isolating and hurtful. 

But at the same time, you should know that you’re not to face this situation in utter hopelessness. 

This guide is about something called scapegoat syndrome in marriage, a psychological phenomenon stemming from the concept of scapegoating in families. 

It’s a tough situation to be in, but we want to help. We’ll be talking about the signs to watch for and what you can do to move towards a healthier, happier relationship.

What does it mean to be the scapegoat in a marriage?

You may be acquainted with the meaning of scapegoating in a family.

In the context of marriage, being the scapegoat means one partner is unfairly blamed or targeted for the issues within the relationship. 

This phenomenon, often referred to as scapegoat syndrome, involves placing the burden of problems or conflicts solely on one partner while the other partner avoids accountability.

Scapegoating, a harmful dynamic seen in families, can easily extend into a marital relationship, leading to destructive behaviors and patterns

In a healthy relationship, you and your partner are a team. But scapegoating puts you in a really unfair position. It’s like you’re always the one losing, even when you’re trying your best. 

Let’s read more about how a relationships changes under the effects of scapegoat syndrome.

5 damaging effects of scapegoat syndrome on marriage

Scapegoat syndrome can deeply harm a marriage, creating a toxic environment that affects both partners. 

Consider the following scenarios to understand the damaging effects it can have on a relationship:

1. Erosion of self-esteem

Imagine Sarah constantly being blamed for everything that goes wrong in her marriage with Mike. Over time, she starts to believe she’s truly at fault, even for things beyond her control. 

This constant criticism chips away at the self-esteem of a scapegoat in marriage, making them feel worthless and inadequate. 

2. Increased resentment

John is always pointing fingers at his wife, Lisa, whenever they have an argument. Lisa feels unfairly targeted and begins to harbor resentment towards John. 

This resentment builds up, leading to frequent conflicts and a growing emotional distance between them. They end up in a cycle of blame and bitterness.

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, comments

Resentment is the silent killer of relationships.

3. Breakdown of communication

Emily notices that every time she tries to discuss a problem with her husband, Tom, he turns the conversation around and blames her instead. Frustrated and hurt, Emily starts avoiding important conversations altogether to prevent further blame. 

This breakdown in communication prevents them from addressing and resolving their issues, causing misunderstandings and emotional disconnect.

4. Emotional exhaustion

Picture Mark, who is constantly made to feel like the source of all problems by his partner, Rachel. The relentless blame leaves Mark feeling emotionally drained and exhausted. He finds it hard to engage in the relationship positively because he’s always on edge, expecting the next wave of accusations. 

This emotional exhaustion makes it difficult for him to invest in the marriage, leading to further strain.

5. Deterioration of trust

When Mia blames her husband, Jake, for their financial struggles, despite both being equally responsible, Jake starts to feel unfairly attacked. The constant scapegoating makes him question Mia’s fairness and support, leading to a breakdown of trust. 

Without trust, the foundation of their relationship weakens, making it harder to rebuild a strong, healthy bond.

11 signs you are the scapegoat in your marriage

Being the scapegoat in your marriage can leave you feeling unfairly blamed, criticized, and targeted while your partner remains blameless. 

Here are 10 signs that you may be the scapegoat in your marriage, based on the scapegoat theory and examples of scapegoating in families:

1. Unfair blame

Your partner may consistently point fingers at you, making you feel solely responsible for all the problems.

Maggie Martinez further adds,

When a spouse is fully blamed for things, it can quickly erode one’s sense of self and identity.

2. Emotional manipulation

Your partner uses emotional manipulation tactics to make you feel guilty, ashamed, or inferior. 

They may use your vulnerabilities against you, attempting to control and manipulate your emotions for their benefit.

3. Constant criticism

Your partner constantly criticizes and belittles you, often in front of others or in a derogatory manner. 

They may nitpick and find fault with everything you do, leaving you feeling inadequate and devalued.

Do you understand the difference between complaints and criticisms in your relationship? Watch this video to understand the terms better and be in a position to respond properly:

4. Isolation

Your partner isolates you from friends, family, or other support systems, making you feel isolated and dependent on them. 

This can further perpetuate the scapegoating dynamic, as you have limited access to external perspectives or support.

Here, Maggie Martinez adds

When you are isolated from others, you have no choice but to face difficulties alone or go back to your spouse.

5. Unequal treatment

Partial treatment is a common one among the examples of a scapegoat in a marriage. There can be a certain favoritism, further reinforcing the role as the scapegoat.

Your partner treats you differently from other family members or treats you as the “black sheep” of the family. 

6. Double standards

Your partner holds you to higher standards or unfair expectations, while not holding themselves accountable for similar behaviors. 

They may have double standards in terms of behavior, responsibilities, or obligations, leaving you feeling unjustly treated.

7. Gaslighting

They invalidate your emotions or distort reality, making you question your own sanity and thought process.

When there’s scapegoat syndrome in a marriage, a partner gaslights the other one, denying or minimizing their perceptions, feelings, or experiences. 

8. Lack of empathy

They may dismiss your emotions or be indifferent to your struggles, leaving you feeling unsupported and unheard.

9. Emotional abuse

Your partner engages in emotional abuse towards you, such as yelling, name-calling, or threatening. 

They may use fear, intimidation, or aggression to maintain control over you and perpetuate the scapegoating dynamic.

10. Low self-esteem

Being the scapegoat in your marriage can lead to a significant impact on your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. 

You may constantly doubt yourself, feel unworthy, or have low self-confidence due to the consistent negative messaging from your partner.

11. Inconsistent support

Your partner offers support inconsistently, sometimes showing care but often withdrawing it to keep you off balance. 

This erratic behavior can leave you feeling insecure and unsure of their intentions, deepening the scapegoat syndrome in the marriage.

What to do if you are the scapegoat in your marriage

Being the scapegoat in your marriage can be incredibly tough. 

First and foremost, recognize that you are not to blame for all the issues in your relationship. It’s essential to reframe your mindset and not internalize these unfair accusations. Scapegoating often reflects the other person’s issues, not your worth.

Talk openly with your partner about how you feel. 

Try using “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, you might say, “I feel hurt when I’m blamed for our problems. Can we discuss how to address these issues together?” Setting clear boundaries is crucial. 

Don’t hesitate to lean on trusted friends and family for support. They can provide emotional relief and offer different perspectives, helping you feel less isolated.

It’s also helpful to educate yourself on scapegoating. 

Understanding this behavior can empower you to recognize patterns and take informed steps toward change. If things feel too overwhelming, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. 

They can offer a safe space to explore your feelings and guide you through these complex dynamics. Know that you deserve to be treated with respect and fairness. Valuing yourself and insisting on fair treatment is vital for your well-being and the health of your marriage.

How to heal from being the scapegoat in your marriage: 7 mindful tips

Healing from being the scapegoat in your marriage can be a challenging journey, but with mindful steps, it’s absolutely possible. Here are seven tips to help you move forward with empathy and care:

1. Embrace your emotions

It’s crucial to validate your emotions. Recognize that feeling hurt, confused, or angry is natural when you’ve been unfairly blamed.

Pro tip: Keep a journal to express your feelings. Writing can help you process your emotions and understand them better.

2. Rediscover your worth

Understand that being scapegoated is not a reflection of your worth. It’s often a projection of the other person’s issues.

Pro tip: Practice daily affirmations to reinforce your self-worth. Remind yourself that you are valuable and deserving of respect.

3. Draw the line

Establishing boundaries is essential in how to stop being a scapegoat. Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and stick to them.

Pro tip: Use “I” statements when setting boundaries, like “I feel disrespected when blamed unfairly, and I need this to stop.”

4. Build your support network

Don’t go through this alone. Talk to trusted friends or family members who can offer emotional support and different perspectives.

Pro tip: Consider joining a support group for people who have been scapegoated by family or in relationships. Sharing experiences can be incredibly validating.

5. Become a scapegoat syndrome scholar

Understanding scapegoat syndrome can help you recognize patterns and not internalize the blame.

Pro tip: Read books or articles on scapegoat syndrome to gain deeper insights. Knowledge is empowering and can provide a sense of control.

6. Nurture your soul

Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation is crucial.

Pro tip: Dedicate time each week to activities you love, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or simply relaxing with a good book.

7. Find professional guidance

A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and guide you through the healing process.

Pro tip: Look for a therapist experienced in dealing with scapegoat syndrome. They can offer specialized strategies to help you heal and build resilience.

Be aware, be mindful!

We know being the scapegoat in your marriage can feel incredibly draining and tough on your well-being. 

It’s so important to recognize the signs of scapegoat syndrome and remind yourself that you’re not to blame. 

If you’re feeling stuck in this role, putting your mental health first and addressing this unhealthy dynamic is key.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted friends, family, or a qualified therapist. They can offer support, guidance, and valuable advice on how to navigate the complexities of scapegoating in families. 

Know that you deserve to be treated with respect and fairness. Taking action now can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. You’re not alone, and there’s hope for a better future.