Love-Hate Relationship: Symptoms, Causes, and Solutions

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Being in love is such a wonderful feeling, sometimes even indescribable as to how much you adore a person. 

It’s when you are with this person that you’d feel you’re complete and that you can take anything as long as you have them, but what if sometimes you feel as though you want just to end the relationship and move forward with your life?

No, it’s not like your typical lover’s quarrel; it’s not even a sign that you’re bipolar. There’s a term for these mixed feelings of love and hate towards your partner, and that’s called a love-hate relationship.

Dionne Eleanor, Relationship and Empowerment Mentor, states

A love-hate relationship often thrives on the thrill of emotional extremes. It’s a delicate dance between passion and pain, where each partner is constantly questioning the stability of their love.

What is a love-hate relationship?

Is there such a thing as loving and hating someone at the same time and maintaining a relationship with them in the process? It takes someone to feel such intense emotions to be in a love-hate relationship, as you can sway from one intense emotion to another.

A love-hate relationship can occur not just with a lover but also with a friend and even with your sibling, but today, we’re focusing on romantic relationships.

It’s normal to have feelings of anger, resentment, and a little bit of hate when you and your partner argue, but when it’s happening more often than it should, and instead of breaking up for good, you feel that you’re getting stronger — you might be in a love-hate relationship.

This relationship can surely be an emotional rollercoaster with the intense emotions being felt by the couple. It’s both liberating yet draining, exciting yet tiring, passionate yet aggressive, and at some point, you’ll have to ask yourself – is there really a future for this type of relationship?

Love-hate relationship by definition

Let’s figure out the love-hate relationship meaning – this type of relationship is characterized by extreme and sudden shifts of conflicting emotions of love and hate.

It can be draining when you’re fighting and hating each other, but all of these can change, and you’re back to your loving relationship again.

At some point, some may say that the feeling of reconciling after a fight and how each one tries their best to make up for the shortcomings can feel like an emotional addiction, but over time, this can cause abusive patterns that can lead to destructive actions.

Dionne Eleanor adds,

In a love-hate relationship, the reconciliation cycle can become addictive, masking deeper issues that really need to be addressed.

Causes of love-hate relationships

Love and hate are two of the most powerful emotions in our lives. They can drive us to do incredible things or cause us to lash out at the people we care about.

Here are a few causes why love-hate relationships occur:

• Your partner and yourself are in two different places in life
• Your partner doesn’t respect your needs or feelings
• Your partner holds you back rather than supports you
• Your partner is emotionally unavailable or not available at all
• You fear being alone, so you don’t give yourself a chance to be happy alone

10 signs of a love-hate relationship

Just how do you differentiate a love-hate relationship from the usual lover’s quarrel? Here are the signs to watch for.

1. Fighting and getting back together

While other couples have arguments, you and your partner take it to another level. Your usual fight goes to extremes and will mostly lead to breaking up and only getting back again after a few days. It’s a cycle of on-and-off relationships with extreme arguments.

2. You don’t see a future

In all honesty, do you see yourself growing old with your partner with whom you share a love-hate relationship? Sure it’s all tolerable now, but if you can’t imagine yourself with this person and with the pattern of relationship that you have now, then you might need to start fixing the relationship.

3. There’s no discussion of goals

Sure, you can be intimate and passionate and feel that great sexual tension, but how about that deep connection where you can talk about your life goals and future?

4. A baggage of unresolved issues

Do you feel that you have a baggage of unresolved issues that might be contributing to your love-hate relationship? That these emotions and past issues only make things worse?

Related Reading: 30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions

5. Not addressing the reasons of hate

You have so many things that you hate about each other, but you don’t do anything to really address the issue and resolve it. You just pacify the anger and hate until it explodes back again.

Dionne Eleanor shares,

Ignoring the root causes of resentment only buries the issues deeper. To heal, often both partners need to face their frustrations head-on, with external support,  not just wait for the next argument to blow over.

6. Talking behind their back

Do you talk behind your partner’s back to your friends? Is this a way to vent out your frustration and problems? Make sure you keep the positivity in the relationship alive by not speaking ill of each other.

7. No solution after fights

Do you feel that the thrill of fighting and proving who is wrong, then making out after the fight, isn’t really giving you a real relationship but is instead just giving way to a temporary release of frustrations?

Solutions after the fight are important, lest the relationship is bound to never grow well. 

8. Resentment

You find it hard to be in the same room as your partner without feeling angry or resentful. This means that your love for each other is not as strong as it once was.

9. Jealous of people around our partner

You feel jealous when your partner talks to, texts, or interacts with other people. As a result, you end up fighting with or breaking up with your partner on a regular basis.

Related Reading: 15 Signs of Jealousy in a Relationship

10. Lost trust in your partner

You have lost trust in your partner and are afraid to open yourself up emotionally to them because you suspect that they will betray you or hurt you in some way. This fear is preventing you from forming a strong, loving bond with them.

At this point, Dionne Eleanor comments

Conflict, resentment, trust challenges & jealousy in relationships more often than not should be seen as a sign signally there is a gateway to growth, not  a sign of defeat or failture. It’s about turning difficulties into an opportunity for deeper understanding and stronger connections.

Related Reading: 15 Ways on How to Build Trust in a Relationship

Love-hate relationship psychology: Can you love and hate your partner at the same time?

The psychology of relationships and love can be very confusing, and we have to understand that there will be different emotions that will affect how we handle our relationships. 

So, can you love someone you hate? Well, love does come in many forms, and romantic love is just one of them. When finding your suitable partner, both should work hard to be better and to fulfill a deeper meaning of life.

While arguments and disagreements are normal, they shouldn’t just cause mixed feelings of hate but also be an opportunity to grow emotionally and change.

This way, by loving and hating someone at the same time, both partners would want to work on their personal development together.

The deal with love-hate relationships is that both parties dwell on extreme emotions and issues, and instead of working on the issues, they would just resort to arguing and proving their point only to be pacified by their “love,” and the cycle goes on.

5 ways to fix a love-hate relationship

A real relationship will work on the issue and will make sure that open communication is always there. 

The sad truth here is that a love-hate relationship can just give you a false feeling of being wanted and being able to go against all odds for your love, but the thing here is that over time this can even lead to abuse and nobody wants that.

So, how to fix a love-hate relationship? Let’s find out:

1. Talk

Open up the lines of communication and have honest conversations about what’s bothering both of you. This can help to identify any underlying issues and hopefully resolve them.

In this video, Lisa and Tom Bilyeu discuss the key communication techniques they find the most effective for having a strong and healthy relationship:

2. Spend quality time

Find ways to spend time together that don’t revolve around work or the kids. 

Agree to a weekly date or weekend away where you can spend time together and reconnect as a couple. This will also give both of you a chance to re-focus on your relationship and show you both that you care about each other.

Related Reading: 11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner

3. Change things up in the bedroom

Don’t be afraid to try something new in bed and see if you like what your partner is doing. Experimenting with different positions or toys can help you relax and de-stress, allowing you to enjoy sex with your partner more.

4. Show support

Be supportive when your partner is struggling at work or with the kids. Working out problems and coming to compromises is important in any relationship, but especially important in marriage.

5. Accept and respect their differences

Being accepting of your partner’s differences is important for any successful relationship. Try to learn to appreciate their traits instead of focusing on the things you don’t like about them.

Takeaway

Dionne Eleanor concludes the discussion with,

True love is built on mutual respect, understanding, and kindness. On the other hand, a love-hate relationship thrives on conflict and chaos, and that’s not a sustainable foundation for a healthy future together – unless you commit to doing the work to unpack and heal the deeper issues underneath.

Some may think that they love each other so much and that this love-hate relationship is a product of their extreme love for each other, but it’s not. In fact, it’s not a healthy way to have a relationship. 

True love is never selfish. You just don’t accept that a love-hate relationship is normal and will eventually be okay – because it won’t. This is a very unhealthy relationship and will not do you any good.

Consider ways on how you can be better not just as a person but as a couple. It’s never too late to change for the better and to have a relationship centered on love and respect.