Is Love a Choice or an Uncontrollable Feeling?

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Falling in love; no one has a consensus on what falling in love is like or how one falls in love. Poets, novelists, writers, singers, painters, artists, biologists, and bricklayers have tried to dabble with this concept at one point in their lifetime – and they all have failed miserably. 

A large group of people believes that love is a choice, not a feeling. Or do we keep entangled by the question: is love a choice or a feeling? Do we not get to pick our future partners? Does falling in love take away our autonomy? Is that why people are so afraid of falling in love?

Shakespeare said, ‘Love is immutable.’ The Argentinian proverb goes, ‘The one who loves you will make you weep,’ the Bible says, ‘Love is kind.’ Which one should a distraught person believe in? Ultimately, the question remains, ‘Is love a choice?’

What is love?

One thing that takes the cake – generally – is people describe the feeling as the most wonderful, elating, and freeing feeling in the world. 

Many people do not think about their relationships or plan out certain aspects of their relationships. They only focus on trying to find the person with whom they will spend their life. 

Falling in love is almost effortless; one does not need to exert or undergo any emotional change before the realization physically.

At the start of the relationship, when it is all fun and games, the feeling of being on the seventh cloud is the best that one can think of those late nights or early-morning texts, surprise visits, or just small gifts reminding one of the other. 

No matter how lightly we try and take it, how wonderful and carefree we want to feel, the thing is that love is an act. It is a decision. It is deliberate. Love is all about choosing and then committing. Is love a choice? Absolutely yes!

To read more about what is love, click here. 

Why is love a choice?

The real work starts when the euphoric elation fades and when one has to step out into the real world. That is when one has to put the real work in. This is when you can concretely answer the question, Is love a choice?

What we focus on is our choice; do we focus on all the unflattering things, or do we focus on all the good things?

As per LMHC Grady Shumway,

By approaching the conversation with empathy and a willingness to listen, you can create a safe space for your husband to express his feelings. This can lead to deeper insights and a collaborative effort to rebuild trust and strengthen the relationship.

It is our own choices that make or break our relationship.

So, is love a feeling or a choice?

Research suggests that love is a choice, not a feeling, as you can actively influence your brain into loving someone by focusing on their positive aspects. 

Aside from choosing to look at the brighter side and opting to look for what we can do for our significant other rather than what our significant other can do or is doing for us, one of the most important choices one can make is deciding why did we choose to stay with this person? 

If your significant other is not up to your standards, cannot make you happy, or is just not a good person anymore, what stops you? If you find it difficult to leave your partner even then, it makes you wonder, is love a choice really?

We know that feelings, more so than people, are fleeting; they change over a certain time.

What comes after falling in love?

After you fall for someone, you may have to continue strengthening your bond and developing healthier habits. 

Love is a choice that you must continue to make every day if you want your relationship to stay fresh. 

Would it not be wonderful to find a book that could answer all our queries and woes regarding, is love a choice?’ Choosing to stay in love is what is the most wonderful feeling and act in the world. Sure, it takes time, patience, effort, and a little heartbreak. 

You might ask yourself, “Is loving someone a choice?” 

Your heart may go rogue and not wait for you to choose someone to be in love with, but what you do after the realization hits is completely up to you. So, all in all – we can agree that whether falling in love was your idea or not, however, staying in love is a choice.

Watch this video to learn which relationships will last long-term:

10 best advice to make love last longer

If you believe that love is a decision, not a feeling, you can take certain steps to ensure that the love in your relationship lasts longer. 

Here are some tips that you can follow to preserve the love feeling in your life:

1. Absorb your partner’s opinion and adapt to their needs
2. Be honest with each other
3. Pay attention to changes in sexual needs and satisfaction levels
4. Appreciate each other’s company
5. Maintain realistic expectations 
6. Give each other space for individual pursuits
7. Develop healthy modes of communication
8. Don’t badmouth your partner
9. Make your partner an undeniable priority
10. Move on from the petty issues

To learn more about things you can do to make your love last longer, click here. 

Some commonly asked questions

Here are the answers to some questions about falling in love that can help you understand this emotion better and choose to love some:

• Can you choose not to fall in love?

You can take certain steps if you don’t want to fall in love with someone. Drawing strict boundaries, avoiding certain situations and focusing on their negative traits can help you not fall for someone that might be unhealthy, harmful or unreasonable to date. 

Final thoughts 

If you wonder, “Is love a choice,” then the answer might be a bit mixed. Aspects like attraction and chemistry with someone can be unpredictable; however, you can choose to indulge in this emotion or ignore it. 

Grady Shumway concludes,

Ultimately, recognizing that love involves both emotional and intentional choices empowers you to actively nurture your relationships. By committing to open communication and growth, you can enhance your connection and cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling love.

Love might confuse you, but you have control over whether you choose to pursue and maintain it further or not. Couples counseling teaches us that consistent efforts and positive thoughts can help your love last longer, while negative thoughts and complacency can harm it.