How Emotion Regulation Helps With Money Problems in Relationships

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Self-soothing, or “emotion regulation,” is the practice of calming the body and mind in the face of conflict and refocusing one’s energy so that a couple can resume effective communication and repair conflict.

Married for ten years, Caroline and Ethan (fictitious names) often disagree about money in relationships, and their arguments are more intense than their fights about other topics.  

When Caroline, 38, and Ethan, 40, sat on the couch in my office to discuss why they wanted to attend couples counseling, they both seemed distressed about their money-related disagreements that often escalated into a full-blown argument, leading to one money problem in their relationship to another.

Caroline explains, “Whenever we try to discuss finances, Ethan often yells and then walks away when he feels anxious about a question I ask him. 

Often, he becomes defensive when I question him about a purchase he makes. Last month, he bought a new motorcycle without checking with me and even financed it through the bank we use.”

Caroline admits she’s responsible for some of their arguments about money because she’s a saver and keeps Ethan on a tight leash, not giving him much freedom to purchase non-essentials.

Caroline put it like this, “Ethan is a good husband and father to our two kids, but he doesn’t have a sense of what goes in and out of our checking and savings accounts. This puts me in a position of being a default money manager. 

Ethan complains that I nag him about our finances, causing financial problems in our relationship. Still, I don’t feel like I have a choice because he charges things on his credit card that he can’t pay off.”

Caroline has a “money vigilance script,” which means she’s frugal and believes that you need to work hard to earn money. 

In fact, she grew up in a single-parent family where money was tight. Her mother used to say, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” These values cause Caroline to adopt a scarcity mindset, where there isn’t enough money to go around.

On the other hand, Ethan grew up in a two-parent home where money flowed, and they had an abundance mindset. 

As a result of growing up in an affluent family, Ethan is a spender with a “money status” script, which means he defines his self-worth by his net worth. He buys the best or most expensive products (and overspends) to project affluence to others.

In their book Mind Over Money, Brad Klontz and Ted Klontz explain that “Money Scripts” are core beliefs derived from financial flashbacks—from early life events associated with money. Knowing your different backgrounds and mindsets about money can help you be more compassionate and deal with money problems in relationships. 

However, you might still need emotion regulation skills to help you listen better to your partner and stay calm during conversations about money-related topics.

Without mindfulness and a tool kit that includes strategies for emotion regulation, a spat about finances between you and your partner can escalate, spiraling from a minor disagreement into a full-blown fight.

While some couples have skills to self-soothe when it comes to money problems in relationships, many don’t use them during conflict discussions about finances, and they experience dysregulation. 

According to therapist Rachel Burgreen, LCSW, “When we are dysregulated, our emotional intensity has increased, and we are having difficulty bringing emotions back down to a moderate level. When this happens, we cannot effectively hear our partner, misinterpretations rise, and our ability to communicate effectively goes out the window.”

In my clinical practice, I ask couples to do a body scan, which means they pause during our session and take stock of whether their heart rate seems to be accelerating.

The good news is that you and your partner can develop the habit of pausing and doing a body scan before and during conflict discussions about money problems in relationships or other sensitive topics. 

During a body scan, you’ll scan from your head to your toes to notice how your body feels. Signals like a fast heartbeat, muscle tension, clenched jaw, etc., are common when you’re emotionally dysregulated.

In addition to a body scan, a host of techniques can help you refocus your attention away from conflict about money problems in relationships and create a soothing environment where emotion regulation can lead to conflict resolution.

5 tips to help you decompress during intense money talks (and other times)

Discussing finances can be a significant source of stress for many individuals and families. Finding ways to stay calm and composed during conversations about money problems in relationships is vital to ensure they are productive and positive.

Here are 5 tips to help you decompress during intense money talks and other stressful situations:

1. Engage your senses     

Engage all five of your senses to calm your emotions and reset. This includes your sight with pictures or photos of loved ones, pets, landscapes, vacations, etc. 

According to Rachel Burgreen, couples can engage with sound (music or chimes), smell (essential oils, perfume, smells tied to soothing memories), and touch (a stress ball, silly putty, a stone, or a comforting object).

2. Practice progressive muscle relaxation

Use progressive muscle relaxation with deep breathing. Start by taking deep breaths and counting to ten. Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Then, tighten one muscle group at a time, starting with your forehead and going down to your toes as you breathe.

3. Initiate gentle conversations

Start a conversation with a soft, curious tone, such as “Can I ask you something?” This can lessen your partner’s defensiveness. Follow this by stating how and why you feel that way and what you need to improve your relationship. 

Be specific, such as “I need us to go over our budget and savings plan once a month when we have a money talk.”

4. Avoid defensiveness or attacking your partner

When discussing money issues, being in the attack or defense mode can lead to withdrawal, shutdowns, or resentment. 

Try your best to use a gentle start-up (and “I” statements) for your comments, such as “I feel concerned about our spending right now, and that makes me worry. Can we discuss it this weekend?” 

Keep in mind that attacking your partner’s character when you bring up upset feelings is not productive, so stick with the behavior you find unacceptable. If your conversation becomes too heated, agree to drop the subject and decompress. However, resume your money talk within 24 hours so resentment doesn’t build.

Watch this TED Talk featuring financial expert Meredith Moore to learn more about how couples can talk about money without causing issues for each other:

5. Show compassion and understanding

Show compassion, understanding, and respect for differences in your values and financial styles. You can demonstrate this by asking good questions, actively listening, validating your partner’s viewpoints, and working toward compromise.

Make sure you understand their message and respond thoughtfully. Validate their feelings by offering responses such as “That must have been hard for you when I asked to talk about our budget.”

Final thoughts

In the end, the specific strategy employed to heighten emotional regulation during conflict over relationships and money issues is less critical than the outcome. 

Romantic partners should explore the possibilities of regulation techniques to find what works best for them regarding learning how to deal with money issues in a relationship. After all, no two couples are alike.

Finding solutions tailored to your personality and communication style for dealing with money problems in relationships is a big step toward ending dysregulation and restoring a loving and constructive dialogue when conflict arises on money-related issues.