How to Stop Being Abusive in a Relationship: 17 Healthy Tips

No one ever starts a relationship wanting to cause harm or pain, but sometimes things don’t go as planned… Hurtful words, controlling behaviors, and actions that cross boundaries can slowly become the norm.

You might find yourself wondering, “How did I get here?”

It’s a tough realization, but acknowledging that your behavior has become abusive is the first step toward change. It’s not easy to face these truths, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed.

You are not alone, and there is hope! Learning how to stop being abusive isn’t about perfection; it’s about making a sincere commitment to change, one step at a time.

Remember, taking responsibility for your actions and seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Healing is possible for both you and your relationship.

Why being abusive is terrible for your relationship?

Being abusive can slowly break down the very foundation of your relationship. It creates a cycle of pain, distrust, and fear—none of which belong in a healthy, loving connection.

When harsh words and actions take over, it’s not just your partner who suffers; you do, too. The joy, the laughter, the closeness… it all starts to fade away, replaced by tension and resentment.

And deep down, you probably don’t want this for yourself or your loved one. No one deserves to feel scared or unloved in a relationship!

Choosing to be kind and gentle is not just better for them—it’s better for you, too. Everyone deserves a relationship built on love and respect.

10 signs you’re abusive in your relationship

Admitting to yourself, “I am abusive to my partner,” is a significant and courageous step. It’s not easy to acknowledge behaviors that may be causing harm.

However, understanding the signs of abuse can help you recognize patterns that need to change. Let’s look at 10 common signs that might indicate you’re being abusive in your relationship.

1. You often criticize or belittle your partner

Do you find yourself frequently pointing out your partner’s flaws or making them feel small? Criticism can be incredibly damaging, especially when it’s constant or harsh.

This behavior chips away at their self-esteem and can leave them feeling unworthy or unloved. Remember, constructive feedback is different from constant criticism—it’s about being supportive, not hurtful.

You may say something like: “You always do things wrong; why can’t you just get it right?”

2. You try to control your partner’s actions

Do you often tell your partner what they can or cannot do? Trying to control someone’s actions, from who they spend time with to how they dress, is a sign of abusive behavior.

This isn’t about protecting them; it’s about asserting power and control. A healthy relationship respects individuality and freedom.

You may say something like: “I don’t want you going out with your friends tonight; stay home.”

3. You have a short temper or get angry easily

Is anger your go-to reaction when things don’t go your way? If you frequently lose your temper over small issues, it could be a sign of emotional abuse.

Anger can be intimidating and frightening, making your partner feel like they’re always walking on eggshells. Everyone gets upset, but managing how you express it is crucial.

You may say something like: “Why can’t you just do anything right? You always make me so angry!”

4. You use threats or intimidation

Do you use threats to get your way? Whether it’s threatening to leave, hurt yourself, or do something else drastic, this kind of behavior is manipulative.

It puts undue pressure on your partner and makes them feel trapped. Healthy relationships are built on love and trust, not fear and intimidation.

You may say something like: “If you leave, I’ll do something to make you regret it.”

5. You isolate your partner from friends and family

Have you ever tried to keep your partner away from their loved ones? Isolating them from their support network is a common tactic in abusive relationships.

It makes them more dependent on you and less able to reach out for help or advice. Encouraging independence and connections with others is a key part of a healthy relationship.

You may say something like: “I don’t like your family; you shouldn’t spend so much time with them.”

6. You withhold affection as punishment

Do you pull away or withhold affection when you’re upset? Using love and attention as a bargaining chip can be deeply hurtful.

It sends a message that love is conditional and can make your partner feel unworthy. Healthy relationships involve giving love freely, not as a reward or punishment.

You may say something like: “I’m not going to talk to you or touch you until you apologize.”

7. You gaslight your partner

Do you ever make your partner question their reality or sanity?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where you manipulate someone into doubting their feelings, memories, or perceptions. It can be incredibly disorienting and damaging. Trust and honesty are the foundations of any strong relationship.

You may say something like: “You’re just imagining things that never happened.”

8. You dismiss or minimize their feelings

Do you often tell your partner they’re overreacting or that their feelings aren’t valid?

Dismissing or belittling their emotions is a way to avoid taking responsibility for your actions. Everyone’s feelings are valid, and it’s important to acknowledge and address them, not brush them aside.

You may say something like: “You’re being too sensitive; it’s not a big deal.”

9. You use physical aggression

Do you ever push, shove, or hit your partner? Physical aggression is a clear sign of abuse and is never acceptable.

It can cause serious harm and create a climate of fear and control. Remember, love is about care and safety, not pain and fear.

You may say something like: “If you don’t stop, I swear I’ll hurt you.”

10. You manipulate situations to your advantage

Do you often twist the truth or manipulate situations to get what you want? This kind of behavior can be subtle but is still harmful.

It creates an imbalance in the relationship and erodes trust. Healthy relationships are based on fairness and transparency, not manipulation and deceit.

You may say something like: “I never said that; you’re just trying to make me look bad.”

What are the reasons that make someone abusive in a relationship?

Understanding why someone might ask themselves, “Why am I abusive to my partner?” isn’t straightforward.

Often, abusive behavior stems from deep-seated issues like unresolved trauma, a lack of healthy relationship models, or low self-esteem. Sometimes, it’s a learned behavior from witnessing abuse in childhood.

In other cases, it can come from a need for control or an inability to manage emotions effectively. While these reasons don’t excuse abusive actions, they can offer insight into the patterns that have developed. 

Becoming aware of these underlying issues is the first step toward change. It can help break the cycle and create a healthier, more loving relationship for both partners.

5 major impacts of abusive partners on victims

The effects of having an abusive partner can be deeply damaging and long-lasting, often leaving scars that go beyond the visible. Abuse, whether emotional, physical, or psychological, can turn a loving relationship into a source of fear, pain, and confusion.

It’s important to understand these impacts to support healing and growth. Here are five major ways abusive partners can affect their victims.

1. Erosion of self-esteem

Being in an abusive relationship often leads to a significant decline in self-esteem. When you’re constantly criticized, belittled, or told you’re not good enough, it’s hard not to start believing those words.

This erosion of self-worth can make victims feel unworthy of love or respect. It becomes a vicious cycle—feeling bad about themselves keeps them trapped in the abusive situation, thinking they deserve no better.

2. Emotional and psychological trauma

The emotional and psychological impact of abuse is profound. Victims often experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to the constant fear and stress of living with an abusive partner.

The trauma can leave them feeling lost, disconnected, and even numb. It can take years to heal from these emotional wounds, and the scars can linger long after the relationship ends.

3. Physical health problems

Abuse isn’t just about emotional wounds; it can also cause serious physical health problems. Chronic stress from living in a constant state of fear can lead to issues like headaches, stomach problems, and high blood pressure.

Physical abuse can result in injuries that may require medical attention. Over time, the physical toll of being in an abusive relationship can seriously affect a victim’s overall health and well-being.

4. Isolation from loved ones

Abusers often try to isolate their victims from friends and family, making them feel alone and cut off from their support network.

This isolation can make it harder for victims to reach out for help or even recognize how bad the situation has become. It reinforces the control of the abuser, leaving the victim feeling like there’s no one they can turn to for support or advice.

5. Loss of trust in others

After being hurt by someone they loved and trusted, victims of abuse often find it difficult to trust others. This loss of trust can impact all future relationships, making it hard to form new connections or open up emotionally.

Victims might constantly worry about being hurt again, leading to feelings of loneliness and further isolation. Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that requires patience and understanding from both the victim and their loved ones.

Can you stop being abusive?

Yes, you can stop being abusive. Change is possible, even if it feels like a long and challenging journey. The first step is recognizing that your behavior is causing harm, not just to your partner but also to yourself.

It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by this realization; it means you’re aware and ready to make a difference. Seeking help from a therapist or support group can provide guidance and tools to understand your actions and learn healthier ways to communicate.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about progress and committing to becoming a better partner. With time, patience, and effort, a positive change can happen… and it can lead to a much healthier, happier relationship for both of you.

How to stop being abusive to your partner: 17 ways

Realizing that you have been abusive to your partner is a hard and painful truth to face. It can bring up feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion, leaving you asking, “How did I become this person?” 

However, acknowledging these behaviors is the first and most important step toward making a change. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed—change isn’t easy, but it is possible!

By learning new ways to communicate and manage your emotions, you can begin to rebuild trust, repair your relationship, and move forward with compassion and understanding.

1. Admit your abusive behavior

Acknowledging your abusive behavior isn’t easy, but it’s crucial. It takes a lot of courage to look in the mirror and admit, “I have hurt my partner.” By being honest with yourself, you’re taking the first step towards change.

Accepting responsibility for your actions means understanding that they have caused pain, fear, or distress. This realization isn’t about feeling guilty forever; it’s about recognizing the harm and being motivated to make things right.

2. Look out for jealousy

If you’ve ever accused your partner of loving someone else more than you, or if you have emotionally manipulated them into feeling bad about not spending time with you, then it’s a sign that you’re a jealous, abusive spouse.

Getting jealous of your partner always leads to an abusive personality. So, to stop being abusive, respect your partner’s boundaries and give them some space to spend time with friends and family. 

3. Step back and listen

If you’re trying to stop being abusive, then it’s time to sit still and listen to your partner. 

Most abusive partners tend to steamroll over their girlfriend or boyfriend and ignore what they’re saying. By not listening to your partner, you are not giving them the time of day, and you’re being incredibly disrespectful.

To stop being emotionally abusive, catch yourself whenever you talk over your partner. 

Ask them more questions and pay attention to what they’re saying. Listening and being respectful in your relationship can go a long way in helping abusers stop abusing.

4. Learn to control your anger

Anger management is key in how to stop abusive behavior. If you find yourself getting unnecessarily angry, you might also find that you’re taking it out on your partner more often than not. 

On your quest on how to stop being abusive to your partner, learning techniques to control your anger is important.

Poor anger management is a very common problem. Most people who have an abusive personality tend to have anger issues. Having poor anger control can also drastically affect your physical health, including your immune system. 

5. Try to open up

To stop being emotionally abusive or knowing how to not be abusive, it’s essential to open up emotionally. There are many causes for abusive spouse characteristics, and one of them is a lack of emotional connection with your partner. 

If you don’t have an emotional rapport with your partner, you could find it hard to empathize and understand them, which leads to abusive behavior.

But if you’re an emotionally closed-off person, it can be hard to open up suddenly. You might feel vulnerable and stressed out, making you more abusive. 

To find the right way to open up, tell yourself that being emotionally vulnerable is healthy for your relationship. The main goal of talking exercises is to overcome your abuser’s personality and not feed into it. 

Opening up and proper communication can also help your partner get over abuse. But don’t take over communication. 

So, when you open up, be vulnerable. When you communicate, hand over the mic to your partner and listen.

6. Give your partner freedom

A typical pattern in abusive relationships is the partner being constricted or not allowed to do what they want. Abusers tend to order their partners around and tell them what they should and shouldn’t do. 

If you find yourself stopping your partner from doing something they like or getting angry when they don’t do what you want, it’s time to learn how to stop being abusive to your partner.

Since control helps you feel more powerful, you might consciously or unconsciously wield this power over your partner, making them feel scared and helpless. 

If you’re unsure how to change your behavior, start by giving your partner some freedom and space. If they say they’re interested in doing something, instead of stopping them, be supportive. 

Even if you think you know what’s best for your partner, remember that just because you’re in a relationship with them doesn’t give you control over their life. 

7. Stop blaming your partner

Playing the blame game is common in most toxic relationships. Blaming your partner when things go wrong for you is emotionally abusive and can make your partner feel hurt and misunderstood. 

If you’re trying to find ways to learn how to stop being emotionally abusive, then start by taking responsibility for your actions instead of dumping your guilt on your partner. 

When something goes wrong, first consider whether it was your fault, your partner’s fault, or just fate. Even if you think it’s your partner’s fault, instead of blaming them, try talking to them calmly about it.

8. Avoid gaslighting

Gaslighting is an abuse form that can make your partner feel inadequate and insufficient about themselves. 

If you’re trying to change your abusive behavior, it’s crucial to change how you talk about sensitive topics with your partner. Not respecting your partner’s beliefs or thoughts can be problematic for your relationship, and it can quickly turn toxic.

To stop that, you must learn how to stop being an abusive partner, which starts by not manipulating your partner’s thoughts and actions.

9. Get some help

The best way to stop being abusive is to get some professional help. If you think this is an unnecessary step, try attending at least one or two therapy sessions. 

Going to counseling alone or with your partner can help you understand how you’re being abusive and how to change abusive behavior.

Therapists can help you develop anger management, personal development, and healing techniques. By helping you understand where your toxic behaviors come from, they can guide you through various techniques that can change your abusive behavior.

10. Figure out your problems

Abusive behavior doesn’t develop overnight. It’s something that develops as your relationship progresses and could also be present before your relationship even begins. 

When you’re trying to change your abusive behavior, figuring out where your problems lie and what you’re doing wrong can help you work on them.

Ask yourself questions like, “When have I reacted aggressively toward my partner?” “What situations make me uncontrollably angry?”.

Understanding your problems can help you work on them better and change your abusive behavior.

11. Stop the chain of abuse

Abusive characteristics are both experienced and inflicted by the same people. You might be acting out because someone else was abusive to you. This is a psychological phenomenon called displacement. 

If you’ve experienced abuse from someone who makes you feel powerless, you remove these emotions by making someone else feel powerless.

For example, maybe your boss shouted at you at work and made you feel inadequate. When you return home, you take it out on your spouse. 

This chain of abuse is a very common cause of toxicity in relationships. Being aware that you might be abusing your partner by taking out your frustration on them can help you change your abusive behavior.

12. Pay attention to your partner

Passive abuse exists. Even if you’re not actively abusing your partner physically or emotionally, the relationship gets abusive if you ignore your partner. 

If you find yourself pushing your spouse aside and not paying attention, that’s a red flag. 

It’s a common characteristic of abusive spouses to treat their partners beneath them and not give them the respect they deserve. 

If you’re trying to find ways to learn how to stop being abusive to your partner, then paying attention and treating your partner respectfully should be high on your list. 

13. Find a new love language

Some people think tough love is essential in a relationship and the only solution for how to stop being an abuser, which is not valid. If you think you’re showing love by gaslighting, “challenging,” or “teaching” your partner, then you’re an abusive spouse. 

If you find yourself expressing your love through physically or emotionally daunting ways for your partner, then it’s time to change your abusive behavior. Find a new love language. 

It can be hard to make the change at first since it will completely change the dynamics of your relationship. However, keep reminding yourself that it’s a good change, and make an effort to be respectful and kind. 

14. Work on your triggers

Maybe you’ve come to realize over time that you’re only abusive to your partner in certain instances. It could be when your favorite football team lost a game or when one of your kids throws a tantrum. 

During moments of stress like these, you find yourself physically abusing your partner or shouting at them.

These specific instances are triggers. These triggers override your reasoning and turn you into an abusive spouse. Being aware of your triggers and finding a better way to manage them can significantly improve your relationship. 

Counseling or therapy sessions can be beneficial as psychologists can help you change your abusive behavior.

15. Commit to change

Changing your abusive behavior is a long process, and it’s easy to revert to your old self when things get tough. Because it can be hard to keep the momentum of change going, setting milestones and committing to changing your behavior is healthy.

You can set up goals and milestones with your partner and ask them to hold you accountable. Your milestones could be something like having at least 2 date nights per week or doing one activity your partner wants every weekend. 

If you have a therapist, they can also help you set up goals and commitments. 

16. Practice empathy

To stop being abusive to your partner, it’s essential to practice empathy. Try to put yourself in their shoes and consider how your actions or words might make them feel. Understanding your partner’s feelings can help you become more compassionate and thoughtful.

Start by actively listening and validating their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. Empathy builds a stronger emotional connection and encourages healthier communication.

When you make an effort to see things from your partner’s perspective, you’re less likely to engage in harmful behavior. Remember, showing empathy is a powerful way to heal your relationship and build trust.

Watch this video where Dr. Maika Steinborn, a psychologist, explains how to be more empathetic in your relationship:

17. Establish healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for both partners in a relationship. If you’re struggling with being abusive, it may be due to unclear or non-existent boundaries. Take time to discuss with your partner what is acceptable behavior and what is not.

Respecting their boundaries is essential to building a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. This also means setting your own boundaries and communicating them clearly. 

Boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and reduce the chances of abusive behavior occurring. By establishing and respecting boundaries, you create a safe environment where both partners feel valued and secure.

Change now or regret it later

Change isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. If you continue down this path of abusive behavior, you may find yourself looking back one day, filled with regret and pain… wondering what might have been different if you had made a choice to change.

Why let things get to that point?

You have the power to change—right now! By taking steps to stop the hurtful behavior and make amends, you can create a healthier, more loving relationship.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about making progress, one step at a time. Choose to change now, for your sake and your partner’s… before it’s too late.