10 Psychological Manipulation Tactics to Know in a Relationship

Listen to this article

We live in a world of influencers, strategists, and advertisers. None of those people would call themselves manipulators and yet, there’s a fine line. The big question is at which point does influencing become a list of psychological manipulation tactics?

What is psychological manipulation in a relationship?

In their book, “Stop Being Manipulated“, the authors summarize the psychological manipulation definition as meaning “an encounter in which someone else attempts to control how you feel, or how you behave, or how you think, without your permission, and it causes you discomfort as a result”. 

When we experience psychological manipulation, we usually feel shame, guilt, and fear. This is very different to when we are rewarded for good behavior, for example when parents praise their children for being friendly to others.

In relationships, psychological manipulation tactics might be used so that one partner always has their way. It might seem harmless at first, such as always going to their favorite restaurant, but gradually, you realize your opinions and feelings are disregarded and even belittled.

The dangers of the tactics of manipulation are that they are often very subtle and can be hard to notice. This is especially true when manipulators use charm to get their way. Deep down though, they operate guilt and fear in various ways to bend you to their will.

The sad truth about many psychological manipulation tactics is that they are usually subconscious. Of course, there is the dark triad of personalities who, by definition, are manipulative as explained in this Health article on why the dark triad is dangerous.

Nevertheless, the majority of people fall outside the triad and still manipulate others at some point in their lives, even you. As this Science Focus article on the humanness of manipulation explains, self-interest easily leads us to manipulation tactics.

We all influence each other all the time. The art of ethical living is to be more self-aware and to understand our intentions with others. With self-compassion, we can all become more inclusive and accepting of others as they are, including ourselves.

10 ways partners can psychologically manipulate

Psychological manipulation tactics come in many forms but here are the most common ones for you to review.

1. Monetary blackmail

One of the more obvious from the list of psychological manipulation tactics is using money as leverage.

Essentially, does your partner offer you money or pay for excessive luxury items if you do something for them?

Related Reading: 10 Ways to Handle Emotional Blackmail in a Relationship

2. Childlike tantrum

So, what does it mean to manipulate someone? Basically, you do anything to get them to conform to your desires. That even means regressing to childlike behavior.

Your partner might almost stamp their feet or simply pout and whine. At some point, you’ll get tired of this and find yourself saying “fine” through gritted teeth.

3. Anger and fear

No list of emotional manipulation tactics is complete without these two basic emotions. Whether your partner shouts at you for being late or stresses you with fear stories regarding your upcoming work trip, you feel destabilized.

It isn’t necessarily obvious what they’re trying to achieve but it usually comes from a place of insecurity. Perhaps they don’t want to be left alone while you go off on your work trip.

Knowing that can help you respond compassionately and perhaps even reassure them so that the episode passes.

4. Guilt-trip

How to manipulate someone often involves guilt. It’s a powerful emotion that most people can’t deal with and so they follow through on the requests to make it go away.

It’s those occasions when someone says they’re ok with you going out with your friends but you know deep down they’re not. Do you concede and stay home or patiently remind them that it’s important for you to have friends?

5. Gaslighting

What is psychological manipulation if not making you doubt yourself? In its simplest terms, gaslighting is when you no longer believe your sense of reality. As you can’t trust yourself, you end up doing whatever they want.

Related Reading: 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship & How to Cope

Watch this psychology video to learn more about what gaslighting looks like:

6. Ultimatums

Some of the more painful psychological manipulation tactics you’ll experience are threats. They might present you with a final demand such as if you don’t do this, I’m filing for divorce.

They might even use physical violence or sex as a threat to force you into doing whatever they need. Whatever they hold over you, this is abuse and you need to protect yourself.

Reach out to support centers near you or a therapist to help you see clarity and the best way forward.

7. The victim card

Manipulation tactics also include preying on your sympathies. Remember that you care for your partner and you don’t want to see them hurt, especially if you believe you played a part in hurting them.

Also, most manipulation is a subconscious way to counteract fear and stress but there’s a good chance your partner never learned how to ask for what they need in a healthy manner. So, they play the victim in the hope that you’ll answer what they’re looking for.

8. Intimidation 

This is another important one on the list of emotional manipulation tactics. It is close to fear but can also be more subtle. 

For instance, you always meet somewhere they choose so that they can feel at ease and in control. With this power over you, you might find yourself apologizing for things you don’t need to be sorry about.

Related Reading: 25 Signs a Guy Likes You but Is Intimidated

9. Flattery and so-called humor

Perhaps the most confusing of psychological manipulation tactics is flattery and joking around. Interestingly, this BBC article on Superflattery quotes a study that shows that insincere flattery actually works.

And then you have that bewildering phrase, “I was only joking” when in fact they’ve just been telling you off for not being this or that. You’re left confused but also relieved so you might give in to them.

10. The cold shoulder

How to manipulate someone also involves silence. No one likes being ignored and most people are uncomfortable with silence so they comply to make it go away. 

As this HeySigmund article on the Silent Treatment explains, silence impacts a part of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that identifies physical pain. No one wants to live with that pain but you can still avoid reacting.

Ask them calmly to find a time to talk about it and state how you feel. Depending on their response, you can then reflect on your next steps.

Examples of how partners manipulate each other

Some typical psychological manipulation examples include repackaging the truth, using passive-aggressive language, and creating constant drama. You can explore more examples in this article on the examples of psychological manipulation tactics in relationships.

More specifically, how to psychologically manipulate a man includes using flattery to boost their ego or even using tears. Most men can’t deal with anyone around them crying so they’ll do anything to make it stop.

5 indications you’re being manipulated psychologically  

Examples are one thing but what about the signs of psychological manipulation? How can you tell if you’re experiencing manipulation? In short, you know it in your gut.

1. You end up doing things you don’t want to

Psychological manipulation tactics are designed to affect your mental and emotional state so that you do things you wouldn’t normally do.

So, what does it mean to manipulate someone? The bottom line is that they use guilt and fear to have things their way. For instance, perhaps you worry that your partner will leave you so you do more than your fair share of picking up the kids from school.

2. Do you often feel guilty in your relationship?

Guilt is a core foundation for most psychological manipulation tactics.

Another example is that you cook dinner every night because you feel guilty about your partner working such long hours. Others would see cooking as a joint responsibility but for some, the guilt is too overpowering.

Alternatively, perhaps you agonize about how you treat your partner when they bombard you with intellectual logic so you simply give up your power. In that case, you might feel guilty for not being at their level despite any evidence to the contrary. 

Related Reading: Guilt Tripping in Relationships: Signs, Causes, and How to Deal With It

3. Fear is used such that you doubt your actions

What does it mean to manipulate someone? At the dark end of the scale, it’s about controlling someone through fear, charm, or by using the comparison game. In other words, why aren’t you as good as the neighbors?

Fear runs deep and with time every little criticism and denigration wears away at your very soul such that you no longer believe in yourself. Such psychological manipulation tactics impact your mental and emotional state.

4. Your faults are being used against you

Typical psychological manipulation tactics include making you feel that you’re not intelligent or attractive enough, whatever you normally worry about. The aim is to make you feel bad about yourself so that you never gain the confidence to move towards other people.

5. You become isolated and confused

If you’re still confused about psychological manipulation tactics, you’re not alone. They are subtle and underhand which is what makes them such a psychological danger.

If in doubt, trust your gut. So, if you’re confused about reality while finding yourself isolated, it’s time to consider if you’re being coerced and manipulated. In that case, reach out to friends or even a therapist to make sense of your situation.

Related Reading: 20 Ways to Tell if a Men Is Confused About His Feelings for You

How can you deal with psychological manipulation?

The worst part of dealing with psychological manipulation tactics is that you don’t know if you’re imagining things. Nevertheless, work through these steps and things will become clearer.

The aim is to connect with yourself and what you want in life without overly depending on those around you.

1. Set boundaries

The most important part of psychological manipulation tactics is to set boundaries about what you’re willing and not willing to do for your partner. For instance, how do you view who should be responsible for household chores?

Moreover, what so-called compliments or phrases will you highlight that you’re not happy with? Most of us don’t like to hear that we don’t look so frumpy in a particular outfit.

2. Be assertive

What is psychological manipulation, if not a loss of identity and confidence? So, combat this by being intentionally assertive.

Reclaim your power by stating your needs and what you feel. This isn’t about blaming but about clearly explaining what you expect in a relationship. It can help to write down your beliefs as a journaling exercise to give you clarity.

3. Say ‘no’

Another aspect of facing psychological manipulation tactics is to learn the power of no. If you’re feeling uncomfortable about doing something for your partner, simply state this. There’s a reason your gut is crying out so try to listen to it.

Many of us grew up with the fear of saying no because it will hurt people. Nevertheless, you can say no with compassion and kindness. Moreover, you can counteroffer with something else to help soften your “no” as a first step.

Related Reading: 5 Ways to Say “No” When You’re Not in the Mood

4. Focus on self-care

When living with psychological manipulation tactics, it’s critical to focus on yourself. You can only stand up to manipulators if you believe in yourself. And the best way to do that is to connect with your inner core and take care of yourself.

So, take time out to be alone to reflect. Read a book or go for a walk to connect to something deeper within yourself as you build on your own self-love. It’s much easier to then face manipulators with wisdom rather than aggressive reactions that never improve things.

5. Defuse the situation

Again in the book “Stop Being Manipulated“, the authors offer a useful process for dealing with relationship manipulation tactics.

In short, avoid reacting but instead meet manipulation with kindness and I-statements to avoid blaming them. The point is to remember that most manipulation is subconscious and comes from that person’s own fears and insecurities.

The majority of people want to do the right thing so by stating how their approach impacts you, you open a door for compassionate negotiation and problem-solving.

Related Reading: 15 Phrases That Will Diffuse Arguments With Your Partner

How do you outsmart a manipulator in a relationship?

If you consider that the psychological manipulation definition is about trying to control you, the worst thing you can do is try to control them. On the contrary, surprise them by ignoring them and walking away.

When you show that you don’t care for their psychological manipulation tactics, they are suddenly lost about how to get what they want. They essentially realize that their approach doesn’t work but they are clueless as to what to do next.

That’s when you have an opportunity to step in with a new way of communicating. In short, state your boundaries and show compassion in discussing how to best move forward.

Commonly asked questions

Here is our FAQ section on the matter of manipulation in relationships. This guide will provide more insights into the common questions around manipulation, as well as some useful tips on addressing the matter.

• Can manipulation ever be good?

The signs of psychological manipulation are all around us every day. Imagine going to a job interview and telling them that you’re always late for work. Instead, you might spin the truth slightly differently but you know that you’re going to be great for the job.

We all influence each other all the time to help each other grow and to see new opportunities. In fact, it’s a wonderful human trait that allows us to keep building our knowledge throughout the generations.

The difference is the intention. So, do you aim to influence others to create a win-win situation or are you simply looking to get your own way to the detriment of others’ well-being?

• How does verbal manipulation relate to emotional abuse? 

Anything that harms your emotional state and well-being, including psychological manipulation, is abuse. This also goes for verbal manipulation which is just as impactful on the psyche as physical or sexual manipulation.

• What do manipulative actions look like in a relationship?

Psychological manipulation examples range from using charm, logic, or victim mentality to getting you to do something you wouldn’t normally do. The aim is to force you to change your thoughts, feelings, and opinions and leave you feeling guilty, humiliated, or fearful.

In contrast, how to psychologically manipulate a man includes flattery, body language, or silence. Then again, manipulating a man or a woman is very similar because you’re targeting their insecurities or fears.

• Why do people manipulate others? 

We all use tactics of manipulation whether we like it or not because we all have needs that have to be met. Moreover, few people learn healthy ways to get their needs met so they revert to psychological games to get what they want.

Most of this is usually subconscious except perhaps with those who have extreme personality disorders. As the majority of people are simply living with anxieties and neuroses, the best way to work with manipulation is to meet it with compassion to work together towards a better outcome.

Don’t fall victim to psychological manipulation

Relationship manipulation tactics are harmful and damaging to both parties. Nevertheless, they often come up because of our internal struggles and anxieties.

The best way to deal with psychological manipulation tactics is to avoid reacting. Of course, it’s hard to face intimidation, the cold shoulder or even guilt-tripping. Nevertheless, assert your boundaries, prioritize your self-care, and remember to use the word “no”.

No one deserves to be manipulated but you can work through the tactics together as a team with your partner. Work with a therapist to help you but in the end, the more you resolve your inner issues together, the less manipulation you’ll face.

You’ll both become more grounded and content, meeting your needs in a healthy way.