27 Key Tips to Overcome Conflict Avoidance in Relationships

Let’s face it, disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. But for some people, the mere mention of conflict sends shivers down their spine. 

They’d rather swallow their feelings and pretend everything’s sunshine and rainbows than have a tough conversation.

While keeping the peace might seem like the noble route, trust us, it’s a recipe for disaster. 

Those unaddressed issues tend to fester like a forgotten lunchbox in your locker – things get messy, and the stench can be pretty overwhelming.

Here’s the thing: avoiding conflict can actually lead to resentment building up inside you. You might start feeling unheard or even angry with your partner for not “getting it.”

So, how do we break free from this conflict-avoidance trap and build stronger relationships? 

Let’s explore some tips to help you handle those tricky conversations!

What is conflict avoidance in relationships?

So, what is conflict avoidance? 

It might be best described as a fear of conflict. People with this conflict management style are typically pleasers who fear upsetting others and want to be liked. 

To maintain harmony in their relationships, people with the avoidance conflict management style may not speak up when upset or have unmet needs. 

They may remain silent or deny a problem, even when there is an evident conflict. 

Furthermore, they may suffer through situations that make them unhappy or uncomfortable simply because they fear confrontation in relationships. 

People known for avoiding conflict in relationships may seem easy-going and pleasant, but ultimately, conflict avoidance comes with a price. 

Conflict avoidance in relationships may minimize conflict over the short term, but over the long run, it causes issues to persist as they are never addressed. 

Avoidance is never an effective conflict style because it results in you withdrawing from your partner, distancing yourself, and even refusing to discuss points of contention. A healthier conflict style involves: accepting responsibility for your contribution to the problem, working toward problem-solving, and considering your partner’s point of view. 

How to overcome conflict avoidance: 27 viable tips 

Learning how to overcome conflict avoidance can lead to happier or at least more sorted relationships. 

You’ll have better conflict resolution skills and be able to speak up so that your desires are left unfulfilled. You’ll no longer have to silence yourself or experience anxiety and fear of confrontation. 

So, what can you do to learn how to stop being afraid of confrontation? Consider some of the strategies below. 

1. Reframe the way you think about conflict

Conflict avoidance may result from how you perceive conflict in relationships. For instance, if you believe that all conflict is harmful or will lead to the breakdown of your relationship, you are more likely to avoid it.

Suppose you can reframe your thoughts on conflict and recognize it as a necessary part of compromising and building a successful relationship. 

In that case, you’ll be more comfortable approaching areas of concern or disagreement with your partner. Understand that conflict is normal; it’s necessary and can bring you closer to your partner when resolved in a healthy fashion. 

2. Recognize that it doesn’t have to be a fight

You may avoid confrontation because you imagine it will go poorly or lead to a full-blown fight, but this doesn’t have to be the case. You can express disagreement calmly and respectfully, to address an issue without starting a fight. 

3. Address conflict early

When you have a fear of conflict, you likely tend to put off discussing disagreements until the issue has become so large that it is now an enormous fight rather than a minor disagreement that could have been resolved. 

According to Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage Mentor, and Relationship Coach Christiana Njoku,

The earlier you address and resolve conflict in your relationship, the better because unaddressed conflict can ruin the relationship, if care is not taken.

If you speak up as soon as there is an issue, you’ll find that conflict is easier to manage and learn that conflict doesn’t have to be so scary. 

4. Reflect on the consequences of avoiding conflict

You avoid conflict because you tend to become the conflict avoidant partner as it serves the purpose of protecting you from something you fear. 

This is the benefit of conflict avoidance for you, but what are the drawbacks? Think about all the times you have experienced adverse outcomes from conflict management.

Maybe you’ve developed a disdain for your significant other because you kept quiet about something that bothered you for so long. Or, perhaps, you begin to feel anxious and depressed because you aren’t expressing your needs in your relationship. 

Taking a look at the negative effects of conflict avoidance can motivate you to make some changes.

5. Explore the underlying reasons for conflict avoidance

Avoiding conflict usually means you have some underlying fear. It may be fear of losing your significant other, fear of expressing anger, or fear of being negatively judged. Explore these underlying fears. Once you acknowledge them, they’ll have less power over you. 

6. Practice talking about your emotions

Conflict is typically emotional. One or both people may feel sad, angry, or frustrated. For people who have a fear of confrontation in relationships, what they are fearful of is big emotions.

To get more comfortable with your emotions, practice discussing them daily. This can look like telling your partner things you’re grateful for, sharing how you felt about something that happened at work or acknowledging your emotional reaction to a movie. 

When you practice discussing your emotions in daily life, you’ll be better prepared to do so during times of conflict. 

7. Learn about healthy conflict management

Suppose you’re someone who avoids conflict, or fearful of conflict or can’t stop avoiding conflict. In that case, it might be that you have only experienced unhealthy conflict resolution styles or avoidant conflict styles. 

Maybe you grew up in a home where conflict meant yelling, screaming, and name-calling.

In this case, you can become more comfortable with conflict by learning how to resolve disagreements healthily. 

Gottman’s couples therapy principles are helpful in learning how to overcome conflict avoidance and use healthy conflict management strategies. 

Gottman recommends that couples avoid criticism, blame, and defensiveness during conflict and approach issues softly and validate each other’s concerns. Research shows that these principles effectively improve marital satisfaction and reduce marriage problems. 

8. Understand that conflict avoidance creates superficial harmony

 

Below the surface, you are likely unhappy and internally suffering because you aren’t voicing your needs.

With effective conflict resolution, you can learn to create true harmony in your relationships. 

9. Focus on solutions

When conflict is all about criticism and pointing fingers, it usually isn’t productive. Instead of applying conflict avoidance techniques, overcome your fear of conflict by approaching issues with solutions. 

For instance, if you’re upset that you and your partner aren’t spending much time together, you could suggest that the two of you plan a weekly date night, or schedule one evening a week where you go for a walk, or watch a show, with phones turned off. 

Having solutions in mind prevents conflict from becoming a back-and-forth argument and can make disagreements less heated, so you’ll be more comfortable with conflict management. 

10. Do a little planning

If you’d like to discuss a source of conflict with your partner, you can calm your nerves with some planning. Think about what you want to say and how you’ll start the conversation.

Practice starting the conversation in a non-confrontational manner, and make a list of points you’d like to cover during the discussion. 

11. Have a weekly meeting with your partner

One way to prevent conflicts from festering and becoming unmanageable is to have a weekly “state of the union” meeting with your significant other. 

This is when the two of you can sit down, discuss things that are going well, and work through areas that need improvement.

This meeting can help you to tackle conflicts head-on in the early stages, so disagreements don’t lead to fights. Over time, you’ll learn that conflict management can be beneficial and enjoyable rather than frightening. 

12. Learn self-calming strategies

Confrontation avoidance can develop because of the body’s physiological reaction to stress. If you view confrontation in a negative light, you may be overly physiologically aroused during times of conflict. 

You may notice symptoms like a racing heart, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest, and sweaty palms.

Over time, this physiological reaction can cause you to avoid conflict altogether because you don’t want to experience these symptoms. 

To resolve this cause of conflict avoidance, learn some self-calming strategies. You might try meditation, practicing a positive mantra, praying, or using a grounding technique. 

13. List what you can learn from how to overcome conflict avoidance

Jumping into the unknown territory of learning to confront conflict can be scary, but when you think about the benefits, you’ll be more motivated to overcome your fear. 

Think about what you could gain: increased confidence, closeness with your partner, or more meaningful relationships. 

14. Think about the task at hand

If you view conflict as a task to be completed rather than something to be fearful of, you can remove some negative emotions from confrontation. 

For instance, instead of telling yourself that you’re going to argue about finances, tell yourself that you’re going to complete the task of creating a budget with your partner. 

Viewing conflict in a task-orientated light, rather than as an emotional experience, can take some of the pressure off and alleviate your fears. 

15. Stop assuming the worst

In some cases, conflict avoidance occurs because we always assume the worst during times of disagreement. We imagine that approaching an issue with our partner will result in a terrible argument, a screaming match, or maybe even a relationship breakup.

Instead of assuming the worst, imagine the opposite. What if addressing the issue leads to a productive conversation? Considering the fact that conflict resolution may go well can decrease your anxiety. 

16. Take steps to increase your self-esteem

Conflict avoidance can sometimes occur because of low self-esteem. If you feel you don’t deserve to meet your needs, you won’t speak up about things that bother you. 

Increasing your self-esteem, by focusing on your strengths, practicing positive self-affirmations, and taking time for self-care, can make you more confident about approaching conflict. 

17. Talk with someone supportive

If you’re struggling with conflict avoidance, talking with a trusted friend or relative can help you to process the issue. People who love you can provide support and a rational viewpoint, encouraging you to stand up for yourself. 

18. Exercise your right to take a break

Conflict can become extremely overwhelming for some people, so they avoid it altogether. Instead of conflict avoidance, get in the habit of taking a break when conflict becomes too much. 

If you’re in the midst of an argument and things get too heated, ask your partner if you can take a break and resume the conversation at a later time. When you get into this habit, you will recognize that conflict doesn’t have to be scary because you can take time to cool down if it becomes too much to handle. 

19. Express your fear to your partner

If you’re struggling with fear of confrontation, you do not have to suffer in silence. Opening up to your partner and being vulnerable can increase your intimacy and develop a stronger sense of understanding between the two of you. 

Sit down with your partner and explain that you have some difficulty with conflict and that you could use their help in managing disagreements. When your partner is understanding of your fears, they will be more mindful of this during disagreements, which can help you to overcome your anxiety. 

20. Practice setting boundaries

People pleasing and conflict avoidance often go hand-in-hand. People pleasing is also associated with poor boundaries, which involves sacrificing your own needs for the sake of others, having a hard time saying no, and exhausting yourself trying to make others happy. 

If this sounds like you, you can develop greater confidence about conflict resolution by setting boundaries. 

Practice saying no to commitments that you aren’t excited about, and don’t be afraid to stand up for your needs or take time for yourself. Once these things become a habit, conflict avoidance may begin to take care of itself. 

21. Assert yourself

Similar to setting boundaries, practicing assertive communication can help you to resolve conflict more effectively. 

Practice asserting yourself with statements such as, “I feel…” or, “My experience is that….” When you develop assertiveness skills, conflict resolution is easier and becomes less anxiety-provoking. 

22. Remind yourself that you cannot control other people

Conflict avoiders may silence their opinions to please other people. They think that if they keep their opinions and needs to themselves, others will like them. 

Remember you ultimately have no control over other people or how they feel about you. Someone who loves you will still love you, even if you voice your needs or express an opinion that is different from theirs. 

21. Don’t assume you can read your partner’s mind

The avoidance conflict style is perpetuated when you feel that you can read your partner’s mind. You decide in advance that they will react poorly or disagree with you, so you avoid the conflict altogether.

Instead of trying to read your partner’s mind, be open to a discussion. You may even learn that your partner is on the same page as you. 

22. Evaluate irrational thoughts

Avoiding conflict in relationships can be a result of irrational thinking patterns. For example, you may believe that conflict will immediately lead to a breakup or that you do not have a right to express yourself. 

Explore the thoughts you have about conflict. What evidence do you have that these thoughts are valid? Chances are that you are engaging in some irrational thought patterns that lead to fear of conflict. 

23. Explore your childhood

Most of what we learn about relationships, love, and conflict comes from what we have observed growing up, by watching our parents and other important adults in our lives. 

If we observe healthy conflict resolution, we’ll be more likely to practice effective conflict management as adults.

On the other hand, if we witness conflict avoidance or other forms of unhealthy conflict resolution, our ideas about conflict management will be skewed. We may feel that conflict should be avoided, or we may be fearful of conflict because we witnessed toxic levels of conflict growing up.

If this is the case, you might take some time to self-reflect on the root causes of your conflict avoidance. If it stems from childhood issues, you may be able to do some of your healing work. 

Or, you might benefit from reaching out to a counselor or therapist to help you overcome childhood issues that have led to fear of confrontation in relationships.

24. Identify your communication style

Are you direct and to the point, or more indirect? Understanding your own style and your partner’s can help you choose the best way to communicate during conflict.

Just like fingerprints, everyone has a unique communication style. Some people are comfortable with direct, blunt communication, while others prefer a more indirect approach. Recognizing your own style and your partner’s can help you navigate conflict more effectively. 

For example, if your partner shuts down when you’re overly critical, try softening your approach and focusing on “I” statements.

25. Validate your partner’s feelings

Even if you disagree with their perspective, acknowledge how they’re feeling. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for open communication.

During conflict, it’s easy to get caught up in defending your own position. However, validating your partner’s feelings is crucial for building trust and moving forward.  

For example, instead of saying “You’re overreacting,” try saying “I understand you’re feeling frustrated, and I want to hear more about why.”

26. Celebrate small victories

Don’t wait for a complete conflict resolution to feel good. Acknowledge and celebrate even small steps towards healthier communication.

To further speak on this, Christiana says

If you notice little improvements in your conflict management journey with your partner, please go ahead and celebrate.

Overcoming conflict avoidance is a process, not an overnight fix. Celebrate small victories, like having a calm conversation about a disagreement or expressing your feelings assertively.  

These positive reinforcements will keep you motivated on your journey towards healthier conflict management.

Entrepreneur and philanthropist Darnell Self speaks on why small wins matter most. Watch the inspiring video:

27. Seek professional help if needed

If you’re struggling to overcome conflict avoidance or feel overwhelmed by communication issues in your relationship, consider seeking professional help. 

A therapist can provide guidance and tools to improve communication and build stronger connections.

There’s no shame in seeking professional help. Therapists are trained to help couples navigate conflict and develop healthier communication patterns. They can provide a safe space for open communication and equip you with tools to manage conflict effectively.

FAQs 

Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship. But what happens when we try to avoid them altogether? This FAQ dives into the world of conflict and how to navigate it in a healthy way.

• How does conflict avoidance affect relationships?

Imagine a pressure cooker – that’s what relationships can become when we avoid conflict. 

Unresolved issues bubble under the surface, leading to resentment, frustration, and even bigger blowups later.  Open communication is key to a healthy relationship, and avoiding conflict can create a disconnect that weakens the bond.

• Can a relationship survive without conflict?

While constant fighting is definitely not healthy, a relationship without any conflict might seem too good to be true. 

It can actually be a sign of underlying issues or a lack of true intimacy.  Healthy couples are able to disagree respectfully, work through problems together, and emerge stronger on the other side.

• Is it healthy to avoid arguments in a relationship?

Absolutely not! 

Avoiding arguments might create a temporary sense of peace, but it’s not genuine connection. Bottling up feelings can lead to distance and resentment. 

Think of arguments as opportunities to connect and find solutions together. By communicating openly and honestly, you can build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.

Avoiding the avoidance

If you’re avoiding conflict in relationships, it may be because this is a habit or learned behavior. In this case, you may be able to resolve the issue with some of the strategies discussed here. 

Changing the way you view conflict can help you learn how to overcome conflict avoidance.

On the other hand, if it is challenging for you to resolve your fear of conflict, your avoidance of conflict style may result from childhood attachment issues or another unresolved issue. 

In this case, you may benefit from working with a counselor or therapist to help determine the underlying causes of conflict avoidance and develop strategies for addressing these issues.