Why Do Some Affairs Last for Years: 15 Possible Reasons

Affairs are complex and emotionally charged situations that can significantly affect individuals, relationships, and families. While many affairs are brief and fleeting, some endure for years, leaving those involved grappling with difficult emotions and choices.

So, let’s try to understand “Why do some affairs last for years?” and explore the meaning of long-term affairs, why they persist, their impact on individuals and relationships, and provide guidance on ending, healing, and preventing such affairs.

What is the meaning of long-term affairs?

Long-term affairs refer to romantic or sexual relationships outside of a committed partnership that endures over an extended period. Unlike casual flings or one-night stands, long-term affairs involve sustained emotional and physical involvement with someone other than one’s primary partner.

These affairs usually carry secrecy, deception, and emotional complexity, posing a significant challenge to the trust and stability of the committed relationship. They can be emotionally taxing for all parties involved and lead to the deterioration of the primary relationship if discovered.

Long-term affairs are generally characterized by a deep connection that endures for months or even years, making them distinct from short-term infidelity.

What are the possible reasons for affairs?

Understanding “Why do some affairs last for years?” requires delving into the complex web of motivations and circumstances that lead individuals to engage in such relationships.

While each situation is unique, here are some common reasons people become embroiled in long-term affairs:

• Emotional connection: One of the primary reasons long-term affairs persist can be the emotional connection that develops between the individuals involved. This connection can be so intense that it becomes difficult to break away.
• Lack of fulfillment: People may turn to affairs when they feel unfulfilled in their primary relationship, seeking emotional or physical satisfaction elsewhere.
• Escape from problems: Long-term affairs can serve as a way to escape from the challenges and conflicts within the primary relationship, offering a temporary break from life’s difficulties.
• Companionship: Loneliness or the desire for companionship may drive individuals into long-term affairs, especially if their primary relationship lacks emotional intimacy.
• Fear of consequences: Some individuals fear the repercussions of ending an affair, such as hurting the other person or facing the disintegration of their primary relationship.

15 reasons why some affairs last for years

Affairs are complex and multifaceted, and there can be various reasons why some affairs last for years. It’s important to note that affairs are generally considered unethical and can cause significant harm to all parties involved. 

However, understanding the reasons behind their longevity can shed light on the dynamics at play:

1. When both people are unhappy in their current relationships

The primary reason people engage in long-term affairs when both parties are married can be that they are unhappy in their current marriages. If their husband or wife doesn’t prioritize or value them, fights and arguments are frequent, and being with someone else can be very enticing.

Individuals may turn to affairs as a way to find emotional or physical fulfillment that they are not getting from their primary partners. The allure of the affair partner can be particularly enticing when it seems to provide the emotional and physical connection they are missing in their current relationships.

2. They don’t believe in monogamy

It can seem very surprising that many people consider monogamy very restrictive. Whether or not you take this view, it’s no surprise that people may use this reason to justify their extramarital affairs. 

Your partner might claim that one person cannot fulfill their physical and emotional needs. Therefore, they may engage in long-term emotional affairs with other people. Usually, people who don’t believe in monogamy tend to be upfront and honest with their partners. 

Even when affairs turn to love, they don’t stop loving the one they are married to. They may feel love toward more than one person and don’t believe in confining their feelings to just their marital partner.

3. Affairs can be addicting

A lot of people may crave the thrill of breaking the rules. Things can get boring for such thrill-seekers when one has settled down and leads a married life. 

So, to fill that void and make their lives more interesting, people might take risks and do things they usually wouldn’t do- like having long-term affairs.

People who have other types of addictions, like drug or alcohol abuse, might also be more prone to affairs as it produce pleasure hormones in their brains. It can also be a sign of sex addiction, a serious condition that can cause many marital problems. 

4. They really fall in love

As surprising as it may seem, not all affairs are just a way to fulfill physical needs. Even if affairs generally start that way, many people may continue cheating with the same woman for years when these affairs turn into love.

That individual may feel more strongly connected to the person they are cheating with than the one they are married to.

Falling in love can be one of the main reasons for affairs that last more than a year or longer. Due to social or economic factors, they might be unable to get out of their marriage, but they probably no longer love their spouse. 

Such a state puts them in a difficult position, so they continue to have long-term affairs with someone they love while still being married to a different person.

5. Affairs act as a safe space

In some marriages, people feel disconnected or uncomfortable with their partners. This might be one of the common reasons people have affairs — they need to find a safe space somewhere else since their companion cannot provide it.

According to psychology, people usually get married to feel security and safety. If this environment is absent in a marriage, people may try to regain their security with another person and have long-term affairs with them.

6. Affairs give a sense of validation

Reassurance and validation are essential in all relationships. It’s no wonder research shows that in relationships where partners regularly compliment, praise, and support one another, they tend to be much happier and more connected.

People get into long-term affairs with those who give them the validation that is missing from their marital relationships. They feel loved and reassured, which can be one reason people cheat in the first place. 

7. Affairs can be a coping mechanism

In movies and TV shows, you might’ve noticed that characters tend to betray their partners’ trust and cheat right after a big fight or upsetting news. This might be a direct reflection of relationships in real life. 

Some people cope with their emotional, distraught feelings by doing something risky and bold. While a few people might regret it and stop immediately, others may grow dependent on an affair to serve as an emotional crutch.

So, whenever something goes wrong with their spouse, they may immediately run to the person they’re having an affair with.

8. Lack of intimacy in the current relationship

When there is a lack of intimacy in a relationship, there might be higher chances of infidelity. But you may ask why a lack of intimacy consistently leads to affairs that last for years.

The key to understanding long-term affairs is to understand why people need to be in one in the first place. 

People usually get into relationships to be vulnerable and share physical and emotional intimacy with someone. When their current married partner doesn’t allow them or give them space to be intimate, it might be natural for people to look for other options.

9. They don’t want to end the current relationship

Marriage is complicated. Society places importance on making a marriage work, and divorce is typically frowned upon. Ironically, this intolerance toward divorce can be why some affairs last for years. 

If someone is stuck married to a partner they no longer care for, the logical step would be to break up or divorce them. 

However, to avoid scrutiny and ugly looks from the people around them, they may try to keep up the false act of a happy marriage while cheating in the background.

Another reason people may not want to end their marriage is when they feel financially or emotionally dependent on their partner. Calling off their marriage could mean they would lose their source of money, so they choose to stick to their marriage while trying to hide their extramarital affairs. 

10. Their current relationship is built on a lie

You must understand that not all marriages are built on love. Some are marriages of convenience or necessity. For example, if a woman gets pregnant, then to keep up social appearances, she might marry the child’s father, even when she doesn’t want to.

Know that this is just one of many scenarios where people see no choice but to get married. It can be common for people in these relationships to cheat on their spouses. Because they don’t have strong feelings for their spouse, they make successful extramarital affairs work out very smoothly. 

11. Affairs fill a void

It might not be surprising that sometimes affairs can turn into a relationship. It can transcend the physical component of an affair and become something a person is emotionally invested in. But it can take anyone by surprise when affairs turn to love, including the people having an affair.

Psychology explains: As humans, we need our sex drives, the need for romantic love, and the assurance of attachment to be fulfilled. When one’s spouse falls short of fulfilling one of these needs, people are more prone to seek another person to fill this void subconsciously.

When a partner finds someone who can fill this void left behind by their spouse, they may feel incredibly content and happy, contributing to successful extramarital relationships. 

12. They are in an affair with a toxic person

An affair with a toxic person can be just as dangerous as any other relationship with someone toxic. But how long do affairs last on average with a toxic person? The answer might not be that simple.  

Toxic people are typically great manipulators, attention-seekers, gas-lighters, and narcissists. Even though these characteristics sound identifiable, it can be easy to miss the red flags staring you in the face completely. 

And because of how controlling and manipulative such people can be, they make the affairs last for way longer than the person really wants to remain in the relationship. They make it almost impossible for the person to back out by blackmailing and emotionally manipulating them. 

Ending a long-term affair with a toxic person can seem impossible. Still, once someone trapped in this type of affair gets out, they appreciate their marriage much more.

13. Emotional escapism

In some cases, long-term affairs serve as a form of emotional escapism for those involved. Life’s stresses, responsibilities, and challenges can become overwhelming. 

When people feel trapped in their daily routines and emotional burdens, they may turn to an affair to temporarily escape their problems. 

It can give them a sense of excitement, novelty, and relief from the pressures of their regular lives, making it difficult to break free from the affair’s allure.

14. Fear of being alone

Fear of loneliness can be a powerful motivator for some individuals engaged in long-term affairs. They may dread the prospect of being single or facing life without the emotional support or companionship their affair partner provides. 

Such fear can keep them entangled in the affair, even if they acknowledge its detrimental effects on their primary relationship. They might prioritize avoiding loneliness over addressing the issues in their existing marriage or partnership.

15. Lack of closure

Closure plays a significant role in affairs that endure for years. When there’s no clear resolution or closure to the affair, it can drag on indefinitely. This lack of closure can result from various factors, such as unresolved feelings, guilt, or the fear of consequences. 

People involved in these affairs may struggle to find a way to end it definitively, and this uncertainty can prolong the secret relationship despite its negative consequences for all parties involved.

Impact of long-term affairs on individuals, relationships, and families

Long-term affairs can have profound and detrimental effects on individuals, relationships, and families. Individually, they can lead to guilt, emotional turmoil, and a sense of betrayal. 

They can erode trust, communication, and intimacy in relationships, sometimes causing irreparable damage. Families may experience disruption, as secrets and lies strain the bonds between spouses and children. Children may also suffer from the breakdown of their parents’ marriage. 

Overall, long-term affairs can result in emotional trauma, shattered relationships, and the need for extensive healing and therapy to rebuild trust and stability in the lives of those involved.

How to end a long-term affair

Ending a long-term affair can be a complex and emotionally challenging process. It typically involves a series of steps, starting with an honest conversation with your affair partner about your decision to end the relationship. 

Being transparent and firm about your intentions is essential, emphasizing your commitment to your primary relationship or personal growth. Cutting off all contact with the affair partner is crucial, including blocking communication channels. 

Seek support from trusted friends or a therapist to navigate the emotional turmoil that may follow. Focus on rebuilding trust and intimacy in your primary relationship, and consider couples therapy if needed. 

Ultimately, ending a long-term affair can require commitment, self-reflection, and a determination to move forward in a healthier, more faithful direction.

5 ways to heal from a long-term affair

Healing from a long-term affair can be a challenging and deeply emotional process that may require time and effort. Here are some steps to help you on your journey to recovery:

1. Open and honest communication

Initiate candid conversations with your partner to discuss the affair’s details and emotions. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can help both parties understand the situation better and can be a crucial step toward healing and rebuilding trust.

2. Therapeutic support

Consider seeking individual therapy to address the affair’s underlying reasons and address personal issues. Couples therapy can facilitate productive communication and assist in the process of forgiveness and reconciliation.

3. Transparency and accountability

Be transparent with your partner about your actions, whereabouts, and intentions. Allow them access to information that can help rebuild trust, such as social media passwords or phone records. Demonstrating accountability for your actions can show your commitment to healing and rebuilding the relationship.

4. Self-reflection and responsibility

Take time to reflect on your actions and motivations behind the affair. Accept responsibility for your choices without blaming your partner. Understanding the root causes can help prevent future transgressions.

5. Rebuilding trust slowly

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Be consistent, reliable, and patient in your efforts. Reassure your partner through actions and words that you are committed to change and the health of your relationship. Understand that trust may take time to restore fully.

Watch Samuel, a speaker & coach, explain the importance of reliability in recovery and share helpful tips on rebuilding trust after infidelity:

How to prevent future affairs

Preventing future affairs in a relationship can require open communication, trust-building, and commitment from both partners. While it’s impossible to guarantee that affairs will never happen, taking proactive steps can significantly reduce the risk. Here are some strategies to consider:

• Set clear boundaries: Define what constitutes inappropriate behavior within the relationship. Establishing clear boundaries can help prevent misunderstandings and reduce the likelihood of crossing lines that could lead to an affair.
• Quality time together: Spend quality time together and prioritize your relationship. A strong emotional connection can deter both partners from seeking intimacy elsewhere.
• Maintain intimacy: Maintain a satisfying physical and emotional connection in your relationship. Ensure that both partners’ needs and desires are met to reduce the temptation of seeking intimacy outside the relationship.
• Avoid temptation: Be mindful of situations that could lead to temptation. Limit contact with individuals who may pose a risk to your relationship, especially if you have a history of attraction or emotional connection with them.
• Stay committed: Commitment is a choice. Remind yourself of the reasons you are in the relationship and the importance of staying faithful. Make a conscious effort to prioritize your partner and your commitment to them.

Remember that preventing affairs is a mutual responsibility, and both partners should actively participate in maintaining a healthy and faithful relationship. 

Commonly asked questions

Affairs are complex relationships that raise numerous questions about their nature and consequences. Here are concise answers to some commonly asked questions about affairs:

• Why are affairs so hard to end?

Affairs are challenging to end because they may involve strong emotional bonds and shared experiences. Guilt, fear of consequences, and the allure of forbidden love can make it difficult to break free from an affair’s grip.

• Can affairs lead to true love?

While some affairs may develop into genuine love, they are built on secrecy and deception, which can strain trust. True love may only thrive in open, honest relationships, making it rare for affairs to result in lasting, healthy love.

• How does secrecy affect affairs that last for years?

Secrecy can create an intense bond between affair partners, leading to constant anxiety and emotional turmoil. Affairs lasting for years are characterized by the perpetual fear of exposure, which can affect mental and emotional well-being.

• How long do affairs usually last?

Affairs vary in duration, some lasting a few weeks while others persist for years, affairs that last over 5 years being among the most enduring. The length depends on the individuals involved, their motivations, and external factors. Ultimately, most affairs come to an end, either voluntarily or through discovery.

In conclusion

Answering “Why do some affairs last for years?” can be challenging as there isn’t one universal answer. Every individual is unique, which makes every relationship unique. Some affairs may start as a way to get physical satisfaction but could become much more.

Sometimes, long-term affairs can take the form of love, which may even last after a divorce. They could be trapped in it and can’t get out of it. If you think you might be stuck in an addictive affair, seeking professional help can be one of the best solutions.