How to Live With a Spouse You Hate: 13 Practical Tips

I hate my spouse! This isn’t the regular statement you hear every day. However, a significant number of people are in some form of a love-hate relationship with their spouses.

Living with difficult spouses isn’t a walk in the park. Under these circumstances, however, knowing how to live with a spouse you hate is essential.

Our article may be impactful as this conversation should impact your love and relationship lives. We will be dealing with pertinent matters like how to resolve issues with your spouse and practical insight on difficult spouses.

Is it normal to have hateful feelings for your spouse? 

One question many lovebirds have is whether it’s fine to have hateful feelings for your partner. Does hating one’s spouse make them a heartless demon? If you were asked whether you love your partner, you would most likely respond “yes” without a bit of hesitation.

However, regardless of how hard you try not to, there may be times in your relationship when you look at your spouse, and all you can feel is an intense feeling of dislike.

“I hate my wife” or “I hate my husband” are a few of the instances you may find yourself in. This could be because they have done something that irritates or infuriates you.

Research indicates that arguments and fights are common in healthy relationships. Under these circumstances (in the heat of anger), feeling irritated by your spouse isn’t abnormal. However, it may cause concern if this feeling of dislike for them starts becoming intense and stretches out over a prolonged period.

Being irritated by your spouse (at some point in the relationship) isn’t completely alien. However, you may want to pause and reassess the relationship if you feel an intense hatred that won’t go away for a long time.

4 different types of difficult spouses 

Before you learn how to live with a spouse you hate, it is vital to identify what makes you dislike them. If you have been harboring hateful feelings for your spouse, it could be because you are in a relationship with any of these types of difficult spouses. 

1. A narcissist 

The first thing you would notice about narcissistic spouses is that they never accept responsibility for any wrongdoing. They spend their days being egoistic, regardless of what they did and how badly they hurt you. 

A narcissist would rather play down on your emotions than agree that they weren’t the victim. 

2. A disrespectful spouse 

Nothing hurts worse than ending the day and returning home to a spouse who doesn’t respect you and isn’t slow to despise you whenever they feel like it. 

3. A spouse with dependency issues 

On the one hand, some people are too clingy; they wouldn’t give you room to breathe. On the other hand, some spouses are too independent. 

You would feel like you were in a relationship with a total stranger. You need to be in a relationship with a perfect blend of independence and dependence.       

4. An unfaithful spouse 

Research shows that infidelity remains one of the leading causes of bad marriages/relationship breakups in America. One of the most demanding challenges you may face is when you are in a relationship with someone who has infidelity issues. The effects on the relationship are beyond imaginable. 

How do you live with difficult spouses? 

Living with a spouse you hate is a bad experience and can’t pass as anyone’s definition of a good time. It can lead to long-term effects that impact your mental and physical health. Also, it limits your chances of happiness and satisfaction in life.

However, if there are exact reasons why you still believe that you should continue the relationship (even though you dislike your spouse), knowing what to do if you dislike your spouse is essential.

You can try to cope with the situation using coping methods that work for you or find ways to improve the situation. But if these don’t work out for you, you can consider a separation that will give you time to think and reflect.

5 reasons why you might dislike your spouse

In any long-term relationship, such as marriage, it’s normal to encounter periods where you might feel less connected or even experience feelings of dislike towards your spouse. While love and commitment are the foundations of a healthy marriage, negative emotions are not uncommon to surface. 

These feelings can be temporary or indicative of deeper issues. Here are five reasons why you might find yourself disliking your spouse at times:

1. Communication breakdown

A common reason for growing discontent in a relationship is a lack of effective communication. When couples stop openly sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, misunderstandings and assumptions can fill the gap. 

A communication breakdown can lead to feelings of isolation, misinterpretation of intentions, and a sense of not being heard or understood by your spouse. The accumulation of these small misunderstandings can manifest as a general feeling of dislike or frustration.

2. Unresolved conflicts

Every relationship has its share of disagreements and conflicts. However, when these conflicts remain unresolved, they can breed resentment. This resentment can fester over time, leading to a deep-seated dislike for your spouse. 

Unresolved issues might relate to anything from financial decisions to parenting styles, and the inability to find common ground or compromise exacerbates negative feelings.

3. Different life goals or values

Over time, individuals evolve, and so do their aspirations and values. If you find that your life goals or core values diverge significantly from your spouse’s, this can lead to a sense of disconnect. 

For instance, if one partner highly values career advancement while the other prioritizes family time, this discrepancy can create tension and a lack of understanding, leading to feelings of dislike.

4. Lack of appreciation or acknowledgment

Feeling unappreciated can be a significant source of discontent in a marriage. When one’s efforts, sacrifices, or contributions are consistently overlooked, it can lead to feelings of being taken for granted. 

The lack of acknowledgment can diminish self-esteem and promote negative feelings toward the spouse who fails to show appreciation.

5. External stress and personal issues

Sometimes, the dislike toward a spouse might not be directly about them but could reflect external stress or personal issues. Stress from work, health problems, or family issues can affect one’s emotional state and outlook on life, including their relationship. 

The spouse might become a scapegoat for broader frustrations or unhappiness in such cases.

13 ways to deal with hateful feelings for a spouse

So, it’s time to discuss how to live with a spouse you hate. Leaving the situation unaddressed or being in denial won’t solve things. It may even make things between you and your spouse worse.

Here are 13 tips that can help you improve the situation with patience, kindness, and consideration:

1. Honest conversations with yourself 

I don’t like my wife and am unsure what to do. Times when you can’t stop hating your spouse are usually defining moments for your relationship. 

It can be because you have gotten to that place where you are standing at the edge of a cliff, and your next action can shift the course of your relationship and family. 

When doing this exercise, you must critically analyze your feelings and their reasons. If you can’t be honest with yourself about what’s happening, trying to cope may be an exercise that would end in futility.

2. Decide whether the relationship is worth it 

I don’t enjoy being around my husband; should I consider ending my relationship? This is one of the things you should take some time to do when you are having that moment of introspection with yourself.

When you are trying to figure out what to do when you hate your wife or husband, you need to reassess whether the relationship is worth trying to cope with or if the best course of action would be to call it quits. 

When you have decided what makes the relationship worth the inner turmoil you are currently dealing with, it can be easier to stick things through and make the relationship work.

3. Don’t let your ill feelings spill over

It is one thing to feel as though you resent your spouse and another thing to let your ill feelings toward them reach a boiling point. If your feelings ever get to a boiling point, you may end up doing some things that you wouldn’t be proud of later.

If this means that you should take a break from the relationship (like, get away from your partner), do it immediately. When learning how to live with a spouse you hate, it is better to walk away for a bit instead of lashing out. 

4. Bring them up to speed 

Saying, “I just wanted to let you know that I hate you,” with a poker face won’t cut it when trying to figure out what to do if you dislike your spouse. This is why you must choose your words carefully as you share things with your spouse. 

If they have already started sensing something off with the relationship, this could be a relief because it lets them understand what is going wrong in the relationship. Then again, lead the conversation by telling them the exact things you have identified that put you off. 

Then, close by letting them know that you are open to fixing things and working on the relationship (if you have chosen that, it is the best course of action for you). This is one of the first things you must do if you dislike your spouse.

5. Focus on rekindling the relationship 

Notwithstanding how bad things have gotten, there was a time you loved and had so much fun with your spouse. This is a great time to return all those fun activities you used to engage in at the time. 

When the relationship is rekindled, your feelings of resentment will reduce. That is why trying this when learning what to do if you dislike your spouse is crucial. 

6. Focus on the positives

So, you have decided the relationship is worth a shot, right? Then stop thinking about “I don’t like my husband or wife” and doubting your decision, and consider this a great time to make sure you give it your all. 

When you have decided to keep living with someone you hate and being in a relationship with them, it is up to you to readjust your mindset toward them. 

Focus on their positive parts to learn how to live with a spouse who hates you, or you hate them. All their traits can’t be all bad now, can they? There must be some redeeming qualities about them. That’s an excellent place to focus your attention. 

7. Reinforce positive behavior 

Now that you have identified what you don’t like about them and you have brought them up to speed, there’s something you can do to encourage your spouse to begin that long stage of compromise. 

When they do something you like, take some time to appreciate and praise them. Let them know that your eyes are open, not only to the negatives but to the positives as well. This would make them feel appreciated, and they’ll do their best to keep you happy. 

8. Avoid the blame game 

Pointing fingers is the only thing that can make this situation worse than it currently is. If you spend the rest of your time yelling at your partner, pointing fingers at them, and making them feel inconsequential, they may react in a way you would disapprove of. 

As much as it lies within you, this is not the time to start pointing fingers and looking for the next thing to blame them for. They’d only get defensive and prickly, making them worse than before you started with the blame game. 

Research shows that blame in intimate relationships ultimately evokes adverse reactions. One of the things to do if you dislike your spouse is to avoid playing that blame game with everything inside you. 

9. Talk to someone else 

When you are trying to figure out what to do if you dislike your spouse, it is like a ticking time bomb. Any misstep at this stage can blow your relationship into a million tiny splinters. 

At this time, seeking counsel from others isn’t a terrible idea. Are there trusted friends and experienced family members you can bear your heart to? If there are, take some time to let them know how you feel. Their counsel in this context can help you to fix your relationship. 

10. Consider counseling

Counseling is the most informed way to figure out how to live with a spouse you hate. Sometimes, you may have to work with a professional to understand what’s happening and why you are suddenly beginning to dislike your spouse.

Counseling is a great way to get over these unpleasant feelings you have. Then again, if your partner feels up to it, you may go for counseling as a couple. 

11. Practice self-care and personal growth

Engaging in self-care is crucial when dealing with negative feelings toward your spouse. Focusing on your personal growth and well-being can bring a new perspective to your relationship. 

Investing time in activities you enjoy and promoting your mental and physical health can reduce stress and improve your mood. This can lead to a better understanding of yourself and your needs, which can help you manage your emotions towards your spouse more effectively.

12. Establish boundaries

Setting clear boundaries is essential in any relationship, especially when dealing with feelings of dislike toward your spouse. Establishing boundaries about what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t can help reduce resentment. 

It can include limiting how you allow yourself to be treated and how you react to your spouse’s actions. Healthy boundaries not only protect your well-being but also create a framework for mutual respect and understanding within the relationship.

Watch this video where Dr. LePera, a clinical psychologist, explains why you need boundaries and how to set them:

13. Engage in shared activities

Participating in activities you and your spouse enjoy can help bridge the emotional gap. Shared experiences, whether they’re hobbies, projects, or simply spending quality time together, can reignite the connection that may have been lost. 

These activities can serve as a reminder of the positive aspects of your relationship and why you came together in the first place. By focusing on shared interests, you can create positive memories and experiences that can help mitigate negative feelings.

FAQs

Managing the complexities of a relationship can lead to questions about personal feelings and dynamics. Here are answers to some frequently asked questions that might arise when dealing with challenging emotions in a partnership:

• What do I do if I don’t like my partner?

If you dislike your partner, reflecting on the reasons behind these feelings is essential. Communicate openly with your partner about your feelings and consider seeking professional counseling. Also, invest time in understanding whether these feelings are temporary or indicative of a deeper issue in the relationship.

• What do you do if you no longer like your partner?

When you no longer like your partner, it’s crucial to determine if these feelings are due to specific behaviors or a general incompatibility. 

Consider honest communication about your feelings, self-reflect, and seek professional advice. Deciding whether to work on the relationship or part ways depends on the root cause of your feelings.

• Is it okay not to like your partner?

It is normal to dislike your partner due to differences or specific behaviors occasionally. However, consistently disliking them might indicate underlying issues in the relationship. 

It’s essential to address these feelings constructively through communication and possibly counseling. Acknowledging and understanding these feelings is crucial for the health of the relationship.

• How do you tell if you are the problem in a relationship?

Reflect on your behavior and communication patterns to determine if you are the problem in a relationship. Consider if you’re contributing to conflicts, not respecting boundaries, or failing to communicate effectively. 

Seeking feedback from your partner and a professional counselor can provide insight and help address any personal issues impacting the relationship.

Summary

At some point, you may find yourself resenting your spouse for many reasons. This doesn’t make you a devil, as feeling irritated under specific conditions is normal.

However, when these feelings of intense hate linger over an appreciable amount of time, you may want to probe deeper and discover precisely what is happening to you. 

Use the coping strategies we discussed about how to live with a spouse you hate if you believe the relationship is worth fighting for.