On and off Relationships: Causes, Signs & Ways to Fix It

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Every individual is unique and individual differences set people apart from one another. It’s the same for relationships. This is especially relevant for romantic relationships and we can say that every intimate relationship is unique.

What works for you and your partner might not work for another couple. This is something that can make relationships quite complicated, as well. This is why every relationship comes with its own set of challenges and joys.

However, some intimate relationships may be more complicated than others. For instance, an on-and-off relationship is often riddled with complications. Partners involved in such relationships may end up experiencing the highest highs and the lowest lows. It’s a rollercoaster ride of complicated emotions. 

If you’re in such a relationship and you’re confused about how to navigate your way through it, don’t worry. You’re not alone in this. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or worried about the erratic nature of your relationship with your partner, it’s best you start by understanding the meaning of such relationships and their causes. 

What is an on-and-off relationship?

Looking for on-and-off relationship meaning? Read below.

When you have a comprehensive understanding of an on-again-off-again relationship, it can help you gain some much-needed clarity. 

Let’s start by decoding what on-and-off means. In this type of relationship, the partners get back together after they break up. And this rekindling of the relationship occurs several times, preceded by a breakup. Now the time gap between the breakup and the patch-up varies from relationship to relationship. 

The striking aspect of such erratic relationships is the cyclical nature of these intimate relationships. When you’re involved in such a relationship, you will find yourself caught up in this pattern of breaking up and patching up. This may be taxing for your mental health. 

The common aspect of on-and-off relationships is the initial phase of excitement when you get back together. It’s like the honeymoon phase, full of passion. You’ve spent time without each other, so it feels good to get each other back.

When the honeymoon phase is over, the couple gets back to the natural pattern of the relationship. This is when feelings may get hurt, and the partners may experience stress. You may question why you even got back together and then probably break up again. This cycle continues.  

There is no evidence to prove that all relationships characterized by breaking up and getting back together are bad. However, there is a chance that this cycle may be unhealthy for both you and your partner. On-and-off relationships even hold the potential to turn toxic.   

What causes on-again-off-again relationships?

One of the best ways to understand whether a back-and-forth relationship can actually work in the long run is to look at some of the main causes of the erratic nature of such romantic relationships. 

No one goes into a relationship with someone thinking that it’s going to pan out like this. 

So, let’s take a look at the major causes of this situation:

1. Difficulty moving on

This is a prevalent cause of on-and-off relationships. 

If you and your partner don’t feel like you can move past the relationship, it can draw you two into the cycle of breaking up and patching up. If you’re not completely over each other, moving on is difficult. 

As per expert Grady Shumway, LMHC,

It’s important to assess whether the relationship is genuinely fulfilling and healthy for both parties, and to prioritize personal growth and well-being, even if it means making the difficult decision to end the relationship permanently.

2. Incompatibility 

Usually, for people who are in relationships where they’re constantly ending it and then rekindling the relationship, it might mean that the partners have really strong chemistry. 

They might be very passionate about each other and share intense chemistry. But chemistry alone just isn’t enough to make a relationship last in the long run. If the partners don’t share the same fundamental values, beliefs, or morals, it may indicate incompatibility.

Is this making you wonder whether you and your partner are incompatible or if the relationship is good to go? Check out this video, and decide for yourself:

3. Life challenges

The important role played by the major challenges of life like having kids in the picture or other major responsibilities cannot be undermined. Sometimes people have a hard time juggling the different challenges and responsibilities of life along with an intimate or on-and-off relationship. 

When it becomes difficult to balance both, people choose to end the relationship. It’s unfortunate, but it happens. 

Grady Shumway further highlights,

It’s crucial to prioritize self-care and make decisions that align with your long-term happiness and well-being, even if it means letting go of a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Improper communication 

Healthy and clear communication is one of the fundamental pillars of a strong, long-lasting romantic relationship. Couples who struggle to resolve conflicts through healthy and open communication may feel like it’s easier to end the relationship rather than talk about the major issues. 

5. Shared history 

Now, this is a big factor behind on and off relationships. If you and your partner feel like it’s not worth investing your valuable time in building a bond with another person, it can get you into this cycle of ending the relationship and patching up again. 

You may feel like it’s easier to just get back with your ex because you’ve known each other for years. You may feel like you don’t have the time or energy to get to know someone new. 

Are on-and-off relationships normal and healthy?

If you’re in an erratic relationship, you might often find yourself thinking about when to call it quits in a relationship. Your mind might be occupied with assessing whether it’s healthy or not to be in such an unpredictable relationship with someone. 

So, do on-again off-again relationships ever work out, and are they healthy? 

The extent of the normalcy of these relationships depends on how people navigate their way in such relationships. 

Basically, there are two types of erratic relationships: 

1. Capitalized-on-transitions category

People who belong to this category view the breakup as an opportunity to grow as individuals and in relationships. 

Such partners view these breaks in a positive light.

2. Gradual separation type 

This category of people has complicated views on separating and reconciling. These couples that break up and get back together may feel unfulfilled in the relationship. They patch up because they care for each other. 

The gradual separation category of on-again and off-again intimate relationships has been reported to be quite unhealthy. When these couples reconcile a relationship after breaking up, at some point, they again realize that they want to end it.

So, a couple’s intentions, perceptions, and expectations of the relationship are very important when it comes to judging the normalcy of the relationship. 

5 signs of an on-and-off relationship

An on-and-off relationship can be emotionally draining and uncertain. Here are five signs that may indicate you are caught in a cycle of an on-and-off relationship:

• If you find yourself repeatedly breaking up and getting back together, it suggests a lack of stability and unresolved issues within the relationship.
• Difficulty in effectively communicating and resolving conflicts can contribute to an on-and-off dynamic, as unresolved issues resurface.
• Constantly experiencing extreme highs and lows, feeling intense passion followed by deep frustration or disappointment, can be a sign of an unstable relationship.
• Trust being repeatedly broken or doubts and suspicions becoming a recurring theme can erode the foundation of the relationship.
• A lack of clarity regarding the future and long-term commitment can keep the relationship in a perpetual state of uncertainty, leading to an on-and-off pattern.

How to fix an on-again, off-again relationship

How to fix an on-and-off relationship? Keep reading.

To break this cycle of an on-and-off relationship once and for all, if you’ve both decided to fix the relationship for good, keep the following points in mind:

1. No contact is the way to go

If you reflect on how you and your partner reconciled every time, you may see that one of the major facilitators for this was staying in touch or re-establishing communication. This is not to imply that you two can’t be friends in the future. 

However, it would just be best for you and your partner to not stay in touch via calls and texts when you’re still in that state of vulnerability and missing each other.

2. Seek professional help 

There’s always room for self-improvement and growth, especially when caught in on and off again relationships.

Low self-esteem may be a contributor to falling into this cycle of breakups and patch-ups. So, when you’re ready, it’s a good idea to see a therapist or go for relationship counseling to work on yourself. 

Grady Shumway states,

Addressing underlying issues and building self-confidence can help break the cycle and foster healthier relationships in the future. Remember that investing in your own well-being is essential for creating fulfilling and sustainable connections with others.

3. Avoid dating temporarily

If you get into the dating game with the goal of a long-term relationship in mind, it’s best to lay off dating till you’re completely over your past experience. 

If you dive into the dating system prematurely, you might not be open to truly finding “the one.”

Keep these three important pieces of on-again off-again relationship advice in mind. 

4. Honest reflection

Letting go of an on-and-off relationship isn’t easy. Reflect on the patterns and issues that contribute to the cycle. Take responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and encourage your partner to do the same.

5. Commitment to change

Can an on-and-off relationship work? May not be without a commitment. 

Both partners must commit to making necessary changes and actively work on personal growth. This includes addressing individual issues and prioritizing the well-being of the relationship.

Some more relevant questions

Here are some more questions that you might find relevant when dealing with the complexities of an on-and-off relationship.

• How do you get out of an on-again-off-again relationship? 

Are on-again-off-again relationships healthy? Mostly not!

To get out of an on-again, off-again relationship, it’s crucial to prioritize your well-being. Establish clear boundaries, seek support from loved ones, and muster the courage to break the cycle and move forward.

• How to know when an on-and-off relationship is finally over?

Knowing when an on-and-off relationship is finally over is often marked by a sense of exhaustion, repeated patterns with no resolution, a loss of hope or desire to continue, and a realization that ending the relationship is necessary for personal growth and happiness.

Find the relationship that’s right for you

Love is complicated. When it comes to questions like “Is taking a break in a relationship good?” you might find yourself riddled with confusion. 

In a relationship, there is always room for communication but if things happen to spiral out of control, honest efforts in the right direction go a long way in keeping the sanctity of the relationship intact.

So, take note of the important pointers mentioned in this article and decide carefully!