What to Do When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Be Intimate: 10 Tips

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For a fair number of people, intimacy is a crucial aspect of a relationship, but what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate? This a dilemma faced by many couples. 

While a relationship without sex isn’t imaginable, dwindling sex life can make people feel less wanted. Whether the wife avoids intimacy or the husband, the other person in the relationship may feel insecure and dissatisfied. 

Intimacy and sex can hold different meanings to different people. Nevertheless, it is important to maintain some level of intimacy within a relationship to keep it strong and healthy. People who speculate over ‘my partner never wants sex’ might have to delve deeper into the matter.

How important is intimacy in a relationship?

Intimacy is important for any relationship, and that is not just a layman’s guess. Several studies have been conducted to understand the role of sex in an intimate relationship. While sex undoubtedly has physical and psychological benefits, it can have a significant impact on marriage and relationships.

Sex improves relationship satisfaction and provides physical benefits such as lower blood pressure and reduced stress. For a relationship, sex helps with the release of the hormone oxytocin, which helps in strengthening bonding and general well-being in couples. 

Sexual activity also helps couples feel close to each other and can also encourage ways to be intimate without being physical. When a partner isn’t intimate, it can make the other person feel distant.

Human beings are wired to want to be intimate with their partner, and for most, this can mean that they want to have sex. The lack of sex in a relationship can cause partners to grow distant, and in a few instances, it may lead to being unfaithful. 

When your partner doesn’t want to have sex, it doesn’t mean that you both are looking elsewhere. Rather, it can be an opportunity for both of you to discover how to reignite the spark. 

Why does your partner not want sex?

Not wanting to have sex does not imply that your partner doesn’t desire you. Rather, other stressors in life can also impact people’s libido. So, what could be why your partner doesn’t want to be sexually intimate? 

So, before thinking about what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate, think about why they don’t want to be intimate. ‘My partner doesn’t want to have sex’ can have an underlining issue.

1. Stress 

A demanding job, fast-approaching deadlines and overall fast-paced work life make people prone to stress. Naturally, when a person is stressed, their sexual libido decreases, and they may not want to be intimate as frequently. 

When intimacy stops in a relationship, it can be a red flag for the declining mental health of a partner, as well.

Related Reading: 10 Ways to Have Stress-reducing Conversations With Your Partner

2. Medications 

Medication can also be a reason why your partner may not want to be intimate. Different types of medications have different side effects, one of which may be decreased libido. If your partner has gone on some medication recently, then it can be considered as a cause. 

3. Childbirth 

Why your partner doesn’t want to be intimate? Maybe because they are recovering. Pregnancy and childbirth can greatly impact a couple’s mental and physical health. Once a couple becomes parents, life can get more hectic. 

As parents get busy, sex life may be put on the back burner for some time. In such cases, husbands might wonder why “my wife doesn’t want me sexually.”

Truthfully, when your husband or wife avoids intimacy, the reason may be more complicated than your wife not finding you desirable. Childbirth is a pivotal process, and the aftermath may be difficult for men and women alike. 

4. Past infidelity 

Understanding your partner’s past is important. If they have been cheated on in the past or been with someone who engaged in secret sexual behavior outside of the relationship, they could be left with serious trust issues. Such experiences may make it difficult for them to get intimate later on. 

Related Reading: How to Survive Infidelity: 21 Effective Ways

5. Erectile dysfunction 

Erectile dysfunction is fairly common, but it is rarely spoken about. Instead of feeling undesirable and wondering what to do when your husband doesn’t want you sexually, you may want to understand whether erectile dysfunction may be the cause. 

You might wonder ‘why won’t he have sex with me,’ but the answer may never be clear to you till he confesses. Don’t assume your partner to be someone who doesn’t like sex. 

In most cases, men can avoid being intimate altogether rather than confide in their partners about their dilemmas. It can make the other person wonder why it is that I want sex but my partner doesn’t.

6. Past sexual abuse

If your partner has experienced sexual abuse in the past, then it may hugely affect their willingness to be intimate with their partners. It may also be difficult for your partner to talk about the abuse they have experienced and how it affects their libido. 

7. Financial problems 

Nothing can stress a person out like financial troubles. 

In uncertain times, financial worries can increase and lead to a person feeling stressed and anxious. Naturally, this can lower their interest in sex and make them spend extra time at work or looking at the budget. This may not leave much scope to get intimate with one’s partner.

8. Preferences

Every person has a different preference when it comes to sex and intimacy. Some prefer conventional processes, while others like to be more adventurous. The answer to this is not always learning sex tricks to keep them interested. Rather, you should strive to have honest conversations about your preferences.

9. Sexual discomfort

Feeling physically uncomfortable during sex can be common for both women and men. A certain type and level of pain experienced during sexual intimacy can lower people’s interest in sex and can make them actively avoid it as well. 

Related Reading: 6 Signs of Sexual Repression That Could Be Affecting Your Sex Life

10. Religious beliefs

For some people, the urge not to have sex may stem from religious or personal beliefs. While some people may not think that they are religious, ideas that have been drilled into their heads may unconsciously drive them not to want to be intimate.

In any case, it is best to understand more about what your partner believes about sex and intimacy.

10 things to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate

Regardless of the reason why sexual intimacy may be dwindling in your relationship, it is important to know what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate to ensure that it does not negatively affect your relationship. 

1. Talk it out 

The first step to combat any issue in a relationship is to talk openly to your partner. An honest conversation discussing your needs and concerns can go a long way in helping partners feel better. It helps bring issues to light and allows you both to work towards fixing them.

Related Reading: How to Talk to Your Crush and Make Them Like You Back

Hesitant about discussing sex with your partner? Watch this video:

2. Professional counseling 

In some cases, a simple talk may not be enough to fix intimacy issues. If you find being open and honest about your concerns does not do much to stave off the issues, going to a professional therapist can be wise choice. There is a range of couples counseling options available these days.

3. Discuss likes and dislikes 

What to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate? Talk to them about what they want and what doesn’t.

Couples can have different preferences, which helps keep a relationship interesting. But it is important to discuss your likes and dislikes in a relationship to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. 

4. No blame game

When trying to discuss relationship problems, the stress can lead to partners playing the blame game. Before you decide to discuss the reason behind your intimacy issues, keep in mind not to assign blame on your spouse and add to the tension. You should work towards tackling the problem. 

Related Reading: How to Stop the Blame Game in Your Relationship

5. Try non-sexual intimacy 

Being intimate most commonly means trying to have sex, but it isn’t always true.

Trying out non-sexual ways to be intimate and spending quality time with each other can help you both strengthen your bond. Investing time into a relationship means that you need to understand whether you are craving to be sexually or non-sexually intimate with your partner. 

As Relationship Expert, Dionne Eleanor shares,

Sex has consequences and is not necessary to include in a relationship before both people are ready. Intimacy is much deeper than the mechanics of sex and so if someone is craving sexual intimacy specifically, even at the expense of the readiness of their partner, then it may be a good idea for them to take a good look in mirror and ask yourself where your desires are coming from

6. Discuss frequency

Some people want to be intimate with their partners more often than others. When trying to discuss problems in your sex life, make sure you have a common ground for expectations. 

Discuss how frequently you would want to have sex with your partner and ask if they feel the same way. In some cases, you may need to reach a compromise to ensure both parties are satisfied.

7. Remember consent

Being in a relationship does not mean that consent is implied. 

Consent is the key! It is important to know and accept when your partner doesn’t want to have sex rather than trying to convince them to get intimate just because you want to. Sometimes, your partner may feel that you are pressurizing them into having sex. 

So, respect their consent and keep the conversation casual to make your partner feel at ease. 

8. Define intimacy 

Understanding what intimacy means to you and your partner is important. What you think is a lack of intimacy may not seem the same way to your partner. Hence, discussing intimacy and your expectations is crucial. 

Related Reading: What Is Intimacy and 12 Types of Intimacy in a Relationship

9. Watch erotic movies

Sometimes, starting a conversation with your partner about your sex life may seem daunting. In such cases, you can start by watching a sensual movie with your partner and then try to start a conversation around it. Doing so can help the discussion flow more naturally and not feel confrontational. 

10. Respect 

Respect is critical in any relationship, and it should come from both parties. Ensure that you respect your partner’s choices, but also that you feel respected as well. When discussing problems, you both should listen carefully to each other to understand where the problem lies. 

Related Reading: 10 Reasons Why Respect Is Important in a Relationship

Tips to improve intimacy in relationships

While an open conversation is always preferred to sort out intimacy issues, there can be other ways to encourage your partner in matters of sex. You can begin with simple and sweet gestures like hugging and holding hands. 

Reserve some time regularly for just the two of you and make the best out of it. Strengthen emotional connection through deep conversations about life and happiness. Emotional bonding often paves way for physical intimacy between a couple.

You can also consider letting the sexual tension build up through affectionate touches and erotically-teasing jokes. At times, just get dressed up for them for no particular reason and convey your desire for closeness.

Related Reading: How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship

Some more points to discuss

Intimacy revolves around the equation you share with your partner and working on it as and when required. Got more questions on intimacy? Let’s try to look at what more we can discuss in terms of a healthy sexual routine in a relationship.

Can a relationship last without intimacy?

The fact that people can have a fulfilling married or romantic life without having sex can’t be dismissed. A happy relationship basically depends on how satisfied you feel being with your partner and how willing you both are to keep it going.

So, the answer here is yes. Though a relationship can survive without intimacy it can’t guarantee the elements present in a sexually-active relationship. There’s also a possibility of a heightened sense of resentment and displeasure from either or both partners.

To some extent, no sex in a relationship means what all you can think of as a reason behind it and finding a practical solution to it.

What causes no intimacy?

As discussed above, there can be multiple reasons behind the lack of intimacy in a relationship. Stress and financial concerns take up a lot of space in our minds and can leave little room for personal engagements. 

Physical issues and medications are also worth considering here. A decreasing libido can be associated with declining health and an over-occupied mind. It can feel like your partner is not interested in getting intimate but it may not be the reason.

There’s always a solution

Intimacy is important in a relationship. However, intimacy comes in a variety of forms. For many people when they say the relationship lacks intimacy, they are referring to sex.

The cause of a dwindling sex life is likely more than your partner not wanting to have sex.

As Dionne Eleanor states

Your partner not wanting sex could be due to them not feeling emotionally connected and it could also be because they have experienced trauma or something else.

To understand the reason behind a relationship with no or less intimacy and know what to do when your partner doesn’t want to be intimate, you can have an open conversation.

You should also consider what you expect from your relationship and try to meet your partner somewhere in the middle. Not everyone will have the same expectations and desires. Often, a happy and satisfying relationship requires a bit of customization from both parties.