What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You Sexually

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We have all probably heard stories about husbands who want sex all of the time, but what is less common is complaints of a husband not interested in sex.

If you are wondering what to do when your husband doesn’t want you sexually, there are things you can do to get to the root of the problem and improve his lack of sexual desire.

There are multiple reasons that a man may show reduced interest in sex, but the good news is that in most cases, the situation can be resolved.

Reasons a husband doesn’t want sex

If you find yourself in a situation of ‘My husband won’t touch me’, there could be several underlying issues contributing to his low sexual desire. These include the following:

• Relationship problems

If the two of you are having significant relationship problems, such as ongoing conflict or resentment, your husband may not be interested in sex.

If he is angry or frustrated with you, he may not want to be intimate with you, and you will notice your husband doesn’t want to have sex.

• He is suffering from stress

If your husband is dealing with stress, such as increased demands at work or perhaps concerns over his parents’ health, he may not be in the mood for sex. Being constantly stressed and on edge can lead to a situation when a husband refuses sex.

• Health issues

Health conditions like diabetes or heart disease can interfere with sexual performance and lead to a situation where a husband doesn’t want to have sex. If he has a health issue that causes pain or makes him feel generally unwell, you might also notice a lack of sexual desire from the husband.

A mental health issue like depression could be to blame as well. These can lead to situations where your husband has no sex drive.

• Nature playing out

As we age or grow more comfortable in a long term relationship, our sexual desire can naturally decrease, which can make it seem that your husband has no sex drive. This may mean that you have to turn your husband on or initiate sex more often to get him in the mood.

• Performance anxiety

Men may feel social pressure to be skilled in bed, which can create pressure and anxiety surrounding sex. If your husband feels that he must perform perfectly every time you have sex, he may start to avoid it alltogether. Over time, this can lead to a situation where your husband refuses sex.

• Boredom

If you have been together for a long time, you may notice, “We don’t have sex anymore.” 

Your husband could simply be bored with your sex life and need something new to turn him on in the bedroom. If things in your sex life have gotten stale, this could be another reason your husband doesn’t want to have sex.

• Separate interests

Your husband may have developed separate sexual interests or fantasies he feels you will not approve of in the bedroom.

For example, he may be interested in trying a new type of sex or engaging in role playing, but he is worried you will not be on board. If you find yourself worrying, “My husband doesn’t want to be intimate” consider whether he may be on a different page than you are sexually.

• He has other outlets

While this certainly is not always the case or even the best answer to, “Why won’t he have sex with me?” there is a possibility that your husband has found another outlet for his sexual desires.

This may include hooking up with another person, sexting someone, viewing porn, or masturbating.

What you can do when your husband doesn’t want sex

When you find yourself in a situation where you realize, “My husband doesn’t want to be intimate,” take the following steps to solve the problem.

• Communicate

Maybe he hasn’t noticed that the two of you are having sex less often, or perhaps he is dealing with a personal problem, such as stress, a health issue, or anxiety, and he has been worried about approaching the topic with you.

A conversation can help you to get to the root of the problem and determine why his sexual desire seems low.

Men may have guilt and shame surrounding their low sexual desire, so if you find yourself wondering why your husband doesn’t want to have sex,  he may be relieved that you are willing to start the conversation.

• Be understanding

Be sure to remain nonjudgmental and understanding. Use “I” statements to express how you are feeling about the lack of sex between the two of you, and avoid blaming or accusing.

You may begin the conversation by saying, “I have noticed that we haven’t been having sex at all the last few months, and that bothers me.

It makes me feel like something is wrong, and I worry that you aren’t interested in me sexually. What do you think might be going on?” Hopefully, this will open the door for sexual communication, and your husband will share the problem with you.

• Have a solution-oriented approach

Next, the two of you can work on solutions, such as scheduling a doctor’s appointment for him or agreeing on ways to make sex mutually enjoyable for the two of you.

You might consider asking your husband how you can help relieve his stress to get him in the mood for sex, or what you might do to help him overcome boredom in the bedroom.

• Work on the relationship constantly

It may also be important to take a look at your relationship. Are there ongoing problems or conflicts between the two of you? Resolving these issues and working to improve your relationship can be a way of how to turn your husband on so the two of you are having sex again.

• Try new things

Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. Try a new sexual position, make more of an effort to engage in foreplay, or introduce new outfits or props into your sex life.

Talk with your husband about sexual fantasies he has or things he may want to try in the bedroom. This can infuse new life into your relationship and make your husband more excited about sex again.

In the video below, Celine Remy talks about what men crave for in the bedroom but aren’t vocal about it. Check it out:

• Take professional help

If having a conversation about the problem doesn’t resolve things, or your husband isn’t willing to address the issue, it may be time to see a professional, such as a relationship or a sex therapist.

Being stuck in a cycle of worrying about why we don’t have sex anymore is not a healthy place to be.

Men experience desire issues more often than you may think

Realizing, “My partner doesn’t satisfy me sexually” can be upsetting, but the reality is that men struggle with low sexual desire more often than people realize.

Men are often portrayed in the media as being hypersexual, so if you are caught in a cycle of “my husband rarely makes love to me” it can be helpful to know that you are not alone.

In fact, research shows that 5% of men suffer from hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which is a clinical condition that describes a low sexual desire. Men with this condition experience distress over their low sex drive, and they are more likely to also have erectile dysfunction.

If your husband has this condition, it could be your answer to the question, “Why won’t he have sex with me?”

From a medical standpoint, a clinical diagnosis of hypoactive sexual desire disorder can be caused by a variety of factors, including illness, use of certain medications, depression, relationship problems, and low testosterone.

What this means is that in some cases, low sexual desire is a recognized health condition, and it affects enough men that doctors know how to treat it. If you notice that my husband doesn’t want to be intimate anymore, realize that you are not alone.

Related Reading: Living With Sexual Arousal Disorder

Sex doesn’t define a relationship

Most people probably consider sex to be an important part of a marriage. After all, sex is what sets apart a romantic relationship from a platonic friendship in most cases. Sex creates feelings of connection and intimacy and can lead us to feel loved and desired by our partners.

This is why it can be so upsetting when you realize, “We don’t have sex anymore.”

That being said, sex life does not define an entire relationship. It is entirely normal for couples to have problems with sex from time to time. That doesn’t mean the relationship is no good or is doomed for failure.

Think about the other aspects of your relationship. Perhaps you have been focused on raising children, creating a business, or remodeling your home. There are certainly other positive areas of your marriage that  have nothing to do with sex.

None of this means that you shouldn’t address the issue of a husband not interested in sex if it is causing problems in the relationship, but it does mean there is hope for the marriage.

If you’re constantly worried, “My husband doesn’t want to be intimate” try to keep a positive mindset and recognize there are things you can do to improve the relationship. There are probably also other areas of the relationship that are going well.

Redefining sex can improve your sex life

Another piece of advice if you are struggling with the thought that my husband never wants to have sex is that you may have to redefine what sex means to you.

Perhaps you have an image in your head of tearing each other’s clothes off and making passionate love. Maybe this was a reality earlier in your relationship, but the truth is that a couple’s sexual relationship can change over time, and this is entirely normal.

If you’re noticing, “We don’t have sex anymore,” you may have to think of new ways to get your husband in the mood for sex, instead of simply initating and expecting him to immediately be ready.

Learn how to turn your husband on by asking him what you can do to get him in the mood. Ask if there are ways he would like you to initiate, or things you can do to heighten his desire.

Maybe he has a fantasy he would like to try. Knowing what works for him sexually can improve your sex life. Perhaps you also have this image in your mind of a man who has a high sex drive and always takes charge. You may have to redefine this image.

Some men are not hypersexual and instead may rely on you to initiate sex, so you may have to consider reverseing the typical gender roles surrounding sex if you want to get your sex life back.

It is also important to keep in mind that sex can mean different things. You may be so set on vaginal intercourse that you are avoiding other areas of physical intimacy. Maybe your husband has performance anxiety and feels too much pressure surrounding penetrative sex.

If this is the case, be willing to explore each other physically without the pressure to engage in one specific activity. Spend time in bed together, and allow whatever happens, to happen.

Try something new, spend a little more time engaging in foreplay, and drop your expectations for how sex will look. 

Frequently asked questions

If you find yourself worried that my husband has no interest in me sexually, you may have some of the following questions:

• My husband never wants to have sex. Is he having an affair?

While a lack of sexual desire in a marriage can sometimes point to an affair, there are many other reasons for a husband not interested in sex. He may be dealing with stress, depression, a health problem, or performance anxiety surrounding sex.

Have a conversation about what is going on, and avoid jumping to the conclusion that your husband is having an extra marital sex.

• Can a marriage survive without sex?

Many people consider sex to be an important part of marriage, but some people may be satisfied with a sexless marriage.

For example, if both spouses have a low sex drive or simply value other areas of the relationship more than sex, they may be satisfied with a marriage that involves little to no sex.

On the other hand, a lack of sex can make it difficult for a marriage to survive, especially if one or both partners is not happy with a sexless marriage.

If your marriage lacks sex and you are bothered by it, this is definitely a problem, and it can make it difficult to have a healthy, satisfying relationship.

• What are the signs my husband is not attracted to me? 

One concern that women may have when they have a husband who doesn’t want to have sex is that the husband has lost attraction for them. This can happen over time in relationships as people grow and change, a+nd perhaps become used to each other.

The attraction or spark at the start of a relationship is high but can fade over time. Some signs your husband has lost attraction include a lack of physical contact (outside of sex), frequent fighting, reduced conversation between the two of you, and just a general feeling that he is distant.

Keep in mind that attraction is more than just physical; it also includes an emotional or intellectual interest in someone. You can rebuild the attraction by taking time to go on dates, spending time doing separate activities to rebuild the excitement in the relationship, and practicing self-care to build your own confidence.

Conclusion

Knowing what to do when your husband doesn’t want you sexually can be challenging. Fortunately, low sexual desire in men is relatively common, and there are solutions to the problem.

If you find yourself lamenting, “My husband doesn’t want to be intimate,” begin with a conversation to get to the root of the problem, and then come up with a solution together.

If your husband’s low sexual desire is bothering you, it is important to address the issue so the two of you can get on the same page. If your husband isn’t willing to have a conversation or the issue persists, it may be time to see a professional, such as a relationship or sex therapist.