The 5 Stages of Grief: Divorce, Separation & Breakups

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Divorce is a traumatic experience, even more so if you are not the one who initiated the procedure.

Nobody enters into a marriage thinking that it will end in divorce. It is normal that when the divorce is finally over and official, a grieving period will follow.

Much like the grief, we feel when a loved one dies, the stages of grief post-divorce can be broken down into distinct phases of grief or break up.

What is grief & its types?

So, what is grief?

Grief stands for intense sorrow, mental distress, or a feeling of anguish caused by death or parting from someone. 

There are different types of grief, as mentioned below:

• Anticipatory grief

Anticipatory grief occurs with the real losses of something or someone you love, chronic illness, etc. It is usually related to health and functionality.

• Normal grief

Normal grief means reactions to any situation or loss. These behavioral or cognitive reactions are common for all human beings.

• Complicated grief

Complicated grief often refers to the kind of grief that lasts for a longer period of time. These can also be called masked grief or chronic grief, where the victim might show self-destructive behaviors.

Where did the stages of grief come from?

The stages of grief or grieving stages were introduced in 1969 by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, in her book titled On Death and Dying. She witnesses thousands of terminally ill patients before coming to the conclusion of the psychology of grief.

There are various theories about the stages of grief in order which vary in number. While some have two, others have seven, but Elizabeth Kübler-Ross discusses five stages and this is also known as the Kübler-Ross model.

Also Try: Grief & Loss Quiz 

Does grief always follow the same order of stages?

In which order do these stages occur? It is important to recognize that the steps of grieving are not linear. 

You cannot expect to be neatly finished with one and proceed straight on to the next stages of breaking up.

This is why we might refer to the stages of grief in relationships as more like cycles of grief, with no tidy beginning nor identifiable end to each cycle.

Additionally, you can expect to have days where you feel like you are truly getting some traction in moving forward in your stages of relationship grief, only to wake up one morning finding yourself moving two steps backward.

Again, this is completely normal. Phases of grief may be triggered by a song, an article or book you are reading, running into some common friends, or on significant dates such as your anniversary or a birthday.

This is why it is important to take good care of yourself when moving through the stages of grief after divorce and to tell yourself that whatever you are feeling, and wherever you are in your grief cycle, everything is ok.

You will survive this.

What are the 5 stages of grief?

Grief is inevitable and a necessary evil. Just as happiness is a part of life, so is the sadness that keeps the balance of life right. When one encounters grief, it takes time to go away. 

The reason is that there are stages of grief a human goes through before completely moving on. The stages of grief and loss apply to most relationship cases.

As aforementioned, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote five stages of grief in a relationship that apply to most people experienced by terminally ill patients before death.

All other grieving processes are based on the Kubler-Ross model. The 5 stages of grief are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Explaining the 5 stages of grief

For that, it is important for you to know and understand what you will be going through, and this article can help you do that by throwing some light on the different stages of grief during and after divorce.

Here are 5 grieving process steps: 

• Stage One: Denial

You probably experienced this stage when you were going through the divorce.

Denial is your brain’s way of protecting you from deep trauma.

The stage of denial allows you to distance yourself from the sad event until you are ready to begin processing it.

So if you heard yourself saying, “I can’t believe we are going to divorce! It just seems like a bad dream!”, know that this is the denial mechanism kicking in, and it is very normal.

• Stage Two: Anger

As you begin to process the fact that you are going to be or are divorced, you may begin to experience feelings of grief and anger.

All the hurt and pain you experienced during your marriage may be at the forefront, and you may find yourself saying horrible things about your ex-spouse.

They are the reason the marriage failed, your financial situation is dire, and the kids are driving you crazy. So it was good riddance.

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Let yourself experience all these feelings of anger. It is part of the steps of your grieving process and rather cathartic.

• Stage Three: Bargaining

Oh boy. The bargaining stage of grief is a crazy-thinking stage.

You may start reconsidering just how bad your marriage really was.

Maybe it was actually fine. You are tempted to try and repair your relationship at any cost.

Did your partner leave you for another person? You might start thinking, ok, maybe we could have an open marriage.

You start missing your partner and think that even if they were terrible, at least it was better than nothing.

As you move through this phase of grief, know that it is a normal step, getting you to understand that it is really over.

• Stage Four: Depression

As you cycle out of mourning a loss and come to terms with the divorce, your new, single reality hits you, and depression can set in.

Many people remain in this stage of grief for a long while. It is a normal reaction. Your marriage has ended, and you don’t know what is around the corner.

You are sad for the good part of your history with your spouse.

In the depression stage of grief after divorce, you may find yourself completely unmotivated, not taking care of yourself, your personal hygiene, your soul, and your spirit.

You may binge eat sugary foods, be unable to take a shower, and cry a lot. If you find yourself unable to get out of this stage of grief, please seek help.

There are many qualified therapists who can help you deal with depression and guide you to the next stage in the grief process.

Related Reading: Manage Divorce Depression with These 5 Tips

• Stage Five: Acceptance

The last stage, and the most beautiful in many ways, of grieving a breakup is acceptance.

You understand and have integrated your new reality as a divorced person.

You feel a connection with the millions of other divorced people who have walked these steps of grieving before you.

You begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel and may even be a little bit excited by this new chapter in your life.

You accept that things look different now, and you are ready to embrace this new identity.

Knowing and accepting that you will deny the trauma, have to deal with the pain, have to manage your anger, and deal with being depressed can help you move forward. It is one of the best ways to cope with this and enter into the next stage of your life as a new person.

Related Reading: 5 Step Plan to Moving on After Divorce

Different situations when people grieve

It’s a sad fact of life that a lot of relationships fail and are forced to go through some unavoidable stages of grief after a breakup.

Even if both partners follow all the “secret ingredients” and “special formula” from love and guru experts, there’s always something that breaks the couple apart if it’s not meant to be.

• When an individual receives shocking news, it will take time before their brain and emotion can process it, and this results in grief.
• Grief also comes when people refuse to accept the situation as is and will fight or blame other people for the breakup.
• Changes in health or any kind of mental or physical ailment can cause grief.
• Grief can also be the result of the loss of a loved one
• Financial insecurity or emotional imbalance due to daily problems can also lead to grieving.

Symptoms of grief

Grief can show various emotional and physical symptoms. These symptoms are common if they last for a few days or weeks. However, if there are prolonged signs of grieving, this is more likely a serious problem. 

• Emotional symptoms of grief 

Emotional signs of grief are:

• Inability to be happy even in happy circumstances
• Lost in the thoughts of grief
• Numbness
• Irritability towards people, things, and life, in general
• Losing attachment with other people in life
• Physical symptoms of grief 

What does grieving do to your body? Check it out:

• Fatigue
• Sleeplessness
• Excessive sleeping
• Loss of appetite
• Headache
• Chest pain

Related Reading: What Are the Stages of Grief in a Relationship Break-up

How long is too long to mourn?

Time heals all wounds.

The pain is still there, but it is no longer debilitating pain. The person has recovered enough to continue with their day-to-day activities.

So, how long is the grieving process?

It depends from person to person. The cycle of grief can last for a few weeks to forever. It’s a matter of will to move through different grief stages.

If you are thinking about what are the stages of grief that can last a long time, honestly, it depends on you!

The stages of grief in a relationship are just a pattern that a brilliant psychologist observed. You don’t have to follow it step by step like a recipe. It’s possible to skip the denial, anger, bargaining, or depression stage.

It’s also possible to stay there for the rest of your life. Knowing where you are and what you are doing allows you to move forward. Only when you reach true acceptance can you be healed.

Treatment of grief

When things fall apart, and all else fails. Hopelessness will lead to emotions of grief. This is a precarious time and a sensitive point. So, how to deal with the 5 stages of grief?

Generally, a mental health professional will be the right choice to guide the grieving person and help them out of the situation with grief management tips and grief counseling. 

So, do I need professional help? 

Note that grief is not an ordinary everyday sadness, and if it is prolonged, you need more help to deal with stages of grief in a relationship. Professional therapists, counselors, or psychiatrists can lend a hand for a more formal treatment of and grief counseling techniques.

Related Reading: How to Navigate Your Relationship When Your Partner Is Grieving

How to help when others are grieving

The person suffering from loss will turn to anything, including religion, other supernatural powers, even their enemies, to ask for a resolution. They are doing this to get rid of the pain.

It is necessary to have an active support group that provides grief recovery steps when a person is going through grief.

It’s important never to leave a grieving person alone during the depression stage. They would say they want to be alone, remember that it isn’t true.

They are just too ashamed to face anyone at the moment, but they are dying for company. Figure out a way to break the wall.

Attachment theory and grief

The main theme of the attachment theory is that the primary caregiver is available to attend to the needs of the infant. This gives the infant a sense of security. Attachment theory is developed from a parent-child relationship and further influences our other relationships in life.

In his book titled Attachment and Loss, John Bowlby describes that in times of loss and grief, we resort to our basic attachment styles and the same fashion of feeling, thinking, and responding to the pain. 

Related Reading: Attachment Compatibility and 4 Types of Attachment Styles

There are 4 attachment styles, and here’s how people with each attachment style deal with pain:

• Secure attachment

People with this attachment style show control of emotions and react to pain in a healthy and balanced way.

Related Reading: How to Build a Secure Attachment With Your Spouse

• Anxious attachment

People with an anxious attachment style do not find it easy to deal with the pain and loss. They constantly try to guard themselves against the grief even before it takes place.

• Avoidant attachment

People with this attachment style have a dismissal attitude. This means that they avoid closeness in the relationship and also any form of grief.

Related Reading: Avoidant Attachment Style - Definition, Types & Treatment

• Disorganized attachment

People with this type of attachment style do not have a set pattern of reacting or coping with the grief and pain. They have a difficult time dealing with the loss as there is no set pattern.

Related Reading: What Is Disorganized Attachment in Relationships?

Takeaway

The end to stages of loss and grief comes after the entire roller-coaster of emotions associated with the loss or a relationship breakup. After this point, you should expect changes in personality and a new vision of seeing things.

For better or for worse, you learned a valuable lesson in love and relationships. How that lesson manifests, positively or negatively, depends on the person’s base morality and principles.