Being Emotionally Dependent Vs Being In Love: 10 Differences

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Most of us are always at conflict within ourselves in recognizing our real emotions.

The power struggle of emotional dependency vs. love has confused many lovers into believing that their feelings for their partner is love when, in reality, it is a case of emotional dependency.

Study says the emotional dependency is nothing but a manifestation of addictive behavior in interpersonal relationships and the emotionally dependent person assumes the subordinate position to retain the affection of their romantic partner. Such person/persons may end up losing their personal identity completely.

When we fall in love, we also become attached to that person.

Now, love vs attachment entails that every relationship has two types of attachments – healthy and unhealthy attachments.

But these healthy attachments are part of the normal love bonding process, and then there are unhealthy attachments which indicate a type of dependence on the person that does not create the best environment for the love relationship to flourish.

Let’s examine what it means to be emotionally dependent on a person, and what that looks like in a love relationship.

How emotionally healthy are you? Check out this video to know more:

What is emotional dependency?

Emotional dependency is explained as a state of being where one is unable to take responsibility for their feelings. People who are emotionally dependent on a friend, partner, or family member feel all emotions such as anxiety, happiness, sorrow, grief, etc, but are unable to cherish or accept them.

People with emotional dependence may not be able to cope with their emotional needs on their own. They might need someone to validate or handle their feelings for them.

Emotional dependency vs. love

Now, what does it mean when we talk about emotional attachment?  There is a thin line of difference that lies between emotional attachment and emotional dependency.

Is love an emotion? Well! Love is a profound emotion and the person/persons in love tend to feel an emotional attachment towards their partner. Being emotionally attached to someone does not mean you are dependent on them for approval.

Love dependency or emotional dependency occurs once you start relying on them to give you a sense of your own identity.

Emotionally dependent relationships are not considered a healthy form of attachment because you do not possess your own sense of self or independence. You become emotionally dependent on your partner and will do anything to stay in the relationship, even if it is not a happy one because you fear being alone.

10 differences between being emotionally dependent and actually in love 

What’s the whole debate on emotional dependency vs. love?

Emotional dependency can often feel like love. The lines between the two feelings are blurred, and it is possible that you feel both emotions toward someone at the same time. Know the difference between love and dependency with the following pointers.

1. You are happy to spend your time together

When you are in love with someone, and not just emotionally dependent on them, then you are happy to spend your time together. 

This means that you look forward to being with them, and enjoy their company. However, when you are only emotionally dependent on someone, you might not like their company when you do not need them to deal with your emotions.

Grady Shumway, LMHC, says

When you’re genuinely in love, you find joy and fulfillment in spending time with your partner, valuing their company beyond emotional need. In contrast, emotional dependence can make interactions feel burdensome or less enjoyable when you’re not seeking emotional support. Recognizing this distinction can help understand your relationship’s nature and foster healthier dynamics.

Related Reading: 11 Ways to Spend Some Quality Time With Your Partner

2. You are happy to be without them

Another very important differentiating factor when it comes to love vs emotionally dependent is when you are happy to be without them, as well. You enjoy your own company and have your own life. You are self-dependent to the point where you do not need them, but you want them.

3. You are not scared of being alone

In continuation with the previous point, you know it is love when you are with them because you choose to – not because you are scared of being alone, or do not know how to handle your life or your emotions. 

It is love when you are not scared of being alone, and emotional dependence when you choose to be with someone solely because you can’t handle yourself.

4. You love your life

The ‘emotional dependency vs. love’ debate can crop up in the life of a person who enjoys individuality.

Loving your life does not mean you think it is perfect, and everything is going your way. However, it does mean that you explore and try new things, and are open to new experiences. 

When you are in love, you have a more open mind. However, when you are only emotionally dependent on someone, you restrict yourself to the point where you make your whole life about this person.

5. You do not seek their approval

When you are in love, you want your partner to support you. However, when you are confident about something but they disagree, you still feel okay to go ahead with it.

However, when you are emotionally dependent on someone, you seek their validation and approval to the point where it is unhealthy. If they disagree or do not support an idea, opinion, or action, you might think you will lose them and would rather do things according to them.

Grady Shumway further ads,

In a loving relationship, you value your partner’s support but maintain confidence in your own decisions, even if they disagree. Emotional dependence, however, can lead to excessive reliance on your partner’s approval, where their lack of support may cause undue anxiety and influence your choices unhealthily. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for fostering independence and maintaining a balanced relationship.

Related Reading: Approval-Seeking Behavior in relationships: Signs & How to Heal

6. The love is healthy

If you are asking yourself if it is love or dependency, check if the love is healthy.

It is love when your partner also loves you back. There are no issues in the relationship where you feel you cannot communicate with them or that you do not trust them. Even if some issues arise, the two of you are able to talk them out and find a solution.

However, when you are emotionally dependent on someone, they may realize the validation you seek from them, and they might end up taking advantage of that feeling.

7. You never feel pressured

Not sure what ‘emotional dependency vs. love’ means? It could be something in between.

It is love when you do not feel pressured to do something or say yes for something when you do not want to. You are not scared of how your partner will react, or that they will leave you if you dare disagree with them. 

In case of emotional dependency, however, you may feel pressured to say yes to everything they say because you are scared that if you say no, they will leave you alone, and it is just something you cannot deal with.

Related Reading: How to Handle Being Pressured Into a Relationship: 25 Tips

8. The purpose of the relationship is real

Why did you choose to be with your partner? Was it out of love, desperation, or a need?

The purpose of the relationship can let you know whether or not it is love. If you are only emotionally dependent on this person, the purpose of the relationship would most likely be a need for someone to validate your feelings or just desperation to not be lonely.

9. Your relationship brings you peace

How do you feel in your relationship? Do you feel secure, happy, and at peace? Or do you feel anxious or scared? How your relationship makes you feel can tell a lot about whether it is love or emotional dependency. If you feel scared, anxious, and not your real self around your partner, it is most likely the latter only.

10. You love your partner for the person they are

You know it is love when you love your partner for who they are and not what they do for you. Emotional dependency can make you feel like you love someone only because they are so indispensable to your life – because they handle your emotions well and you need them to do that.

What happens when you are too emotionally dependent on your partner?

How do you know if you are too emotionally dependent on your partner? Here are five signs of emotional dependency in a relationship.

1. You idealize the relationship

When you are too emotionally dependent on your partner, you feel their need to validate your feelings and emotions. What happens in such a scene is that you do not want to lose the relationship, no matter what. 

Therefore, you may start to idealize the relationship for what it is not and convince yourself and those around you why this is the ideal and the perfect relationship for you.

Related Reading: How to Understand Idealization in Relationship: Role & Reasons

2. You do not see an existence without them

Being in love with someone, you might imagine a life with them. However, when you are too emotionally dependent on someone, you cannot think of your existence without them, let alone a life. 

You feel that you will not be able to survive being without them, which might not be a sign of a healthy relationship.

3. Persistent fear of rejection

Another sign that you are too emotionally dependent on your partner is a constant fear of rejection. Most things that you do are not because of love but because of fear that they might leave you and go, or that you will be left alone.

Also Try: Quiz: Do You Have a Fear of Rejection?

4. Constant need for reassurance

Another sign of being too emotionally dependent on your partner is when there is a constant need for reassurance from your partner. 

You need them to constantly tell you that they are not leaving, that they are here for you, and that they will help you handle the things you need to. While seeking support from your partner is healthy, the need for constant reassurance is not.

5. Feelings of jealousy and possessiveness

You know you are too emotionally dependent on your partner when there are feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. You feel scared that they will leave you for someone better, or you just do not want anyone else to get their attention. Such feelings are not a characteristic of a healthy relationship.

How to be emotionally independent?

If you have been wondering how to overcome emotional dependency, here are some steps towards becoming emotionally independent and growing into a healthier you!

1. Examine yourself

Take an honest look at your past and present relationships and note the behaviors.

Do they all point toward emotional dependence? Ask yourself why you seek approval from others, why you are so fearful of being alone.  Does this remind you of something from your childhood?

Asking and answering these questions can help you get to the root of the problems, which will help eliminate them.

2. Create your own happiness

Start doing things outside of your relationship, and do not ask your partner for permission.

It doesn’t matter if they approve of your project or not; what matters is you begin to add activities to your life that make you feel good and enhance your well-being. You don’t need to start big—try adding a small walk outside each day.  By yourself.

3. Carve out alone time

Love-dependent people have difficulty being alone.

So dedicate some alone time each day, a time where you are just sitting in self-awareness. You may use this time to meditate or just listen to your world…if you can do this outside, all the better!

If you begin to feel fearful, pay attention to your breathing to try and relax. The goal is to realize that being alone is not a scary place.

4. Affirmative self-talk

Make some new mantras to tell yourself each day.  

“I am fierce.” 

“I am gold.”

“I am capable and strong”  

“I deserve good love.”

These self-messages will be helpful in getting you from relying on someone else for your own happiness to relying on yourself.

5. Seek professional help

While the ways mentioned above can be very helpful in becoming more emotionally independent, you may want to seek professional help in order to understand the root cause of emotional dependence and the best ways to tackle it. 

Emotional dependence is also likely to have an impact on your relationship. If you need relationship counseling to get over the issues it has caused, it may not be a bad idea to explore the option.

Questions to solve the riddle – emotional dependency vs. love

How can we differentiate between healthy love and unhealthy attachment?  Sometimes the line of difference is blurry.  But if you are wondering, ask yourself the following questions –

1. Are you happy when you are together?

If your time together is spent laughing, talking about future projects or just chilling and holding hands, it is love.

But, if your time together is spent arguing or avoiding each other, and you are going over in your head all the way whenever your partner annoys you, it is probably emotional dependency.

2. Are you also happy with your “me” time?

If you enjoy your time apart from your partner, using it to enrich your personal well-being, seeing friends, and working out, all while thinking fondly of the next time you are going to be with your partner, this is love.

If time apart fills you with fear and you imagine that your partner is going to find someone else while you are separated, abandoning you, this is an emotional dependency.  Not a great place for your head to be, right?

3. Does the idea of breaking up fill you with fear?

If the idea of breaking up fills you with fear, angst, and dread because you just can’t face going through life alone, this is an emotional dependency.

If you look at a potential breakup as the right thing to do because the relationship just isn’t fulfilling anymore, despite you both working at it, this means you are operating from a place of love.

4. Your world has become bigger – Is this love?

Ans. If your world has become bigger thanks to your relationship, this is love.

If, on the other hand, your world has become smaller—you do only things with your partner, isolating yourselves from engaging with friends or outside interests—you are emotionally dependent.

Your relationship gives you a surplus of peace, happiness, and bliss which means it is love. In contrast, if your relationship causes you stress, jealousy, and self-doubt, then it only means you are emotionally dependent.

5. Do you care about yourself?

Another question you need to ask yourself when it comes to emotional dependency vs. love is whether or not you care about yourself. While love is all about ensuring the well-being of your partner, it doesn’t have to come at the cost of self-care.

Do you find time to focus on yourself and your thoughts and to feel better about your life? Do you indulge in some alone time, disconnect and just recharge? If not, there is a chance you are too emotionally dependent on your partner.

You have identified yourself as emotionally dependent.  Now how do you become emotionally independent?

Can you love someone and be emotionally dependent too?

As mentioned earlier, the lines between the feelings of love and emotional dependence can be blurred. While it is possible for you to be in love with someone and be emotionally dependent on them at the same time, there are still some healthy boundaries if there is love.

For instance, you might count on your partner, rely on them for certain things, and seek support or help or assurance from them when need be, but the lack of these does not make you dysfunctional or makes you feel like your existence has no meaning.

Love exceeds all

As mentioned earlier, love is an emotion. Love floods us with feelings, so in that sense, it is indeed felt on an emotional level. But because love originates in the brain, there is a neuroscientific element to it.

Researchers have tried to understand the science behind love but failed to fathom the reason why we love one person and not another. But they hypothesize that we seek partners who remind us of something we experienced in early childhood.

So if we grew up in an unhappy home, we tend to gravitate towards partners who will mirror that experience in an attempt to try and rectify this as an adult.

On the contrary, if we grew up in a happy home, we would seek partners that mirror that happiness.

The drive to emotional love is motivated by pleasure, so in that way, love is an emotion, one that gives us great pleasure to experience. 

But never forget that there are chemicals behind that emotion, notably dopamine, and serotonin, that flood our brains when we see or think about the object of our love.

Those chemicals make us feel good.

However, emotional dependence is much different from the feeling of love in various respects. Before you decide to indulge yourself in a long-term relationship, understanding the difference is crucial.