What to Do if Your Partner Won’t Consider Couples Therapy

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Imagine you’ve suggested couples therapy, but your partner is hesitant. Perhaps they’re uncomfortable with discussing personal issues or worry about the stigma associated with therapy. This situation is surprisingly common and can make you feel both concerned and helpless. 

So, what to do if your partner won’t consider couples therapy? 

First, it’s crucial to approach this with empathy and understanding, recognizing that their reluctance is not a refusal to improve the relationship but perhaps fear or misunderstanding. 

In this guide, we’ll explore various respectful and supportive methods to address and perhaps overcome your partner’s reservations, aiming to strengthen your bond and encourage openness to therapy.

What to do if your partner won’t consider couples therapy: 12 tips

Deciding what to do if your partner won’t consider couples therapy can be challenging, especially when you feel strongly about the benefits. This guide provides practical tips to help navigate this sensitive issue with compassion and understanding.

1. Understand their perspective

Start by listening carefully without interrupting or judging. This can help you gather insights into why your wife or husband won’t go to therapy and show that you respect their feelings.

• Try this: Use active listening techniques such as nodding, maintaining eye contact, and repeating back what you’ve heard to confirm your understanding.

2. Educate gently

Without overwhelming them, share articles, videos, or testimonials about the benefits of couples therapy. Information should be presented in a way that is accessible and relatable.

• Try this: Find a documentary, book, or article by a respected therapist or psychologist and watch or read it together, using this as a gentle introduction to the benefits of therapy.

3. Offer reassurance

Stress that therapy is a proactive approach to improve your relationship rather than a last resort. Emphasize that it’s about growing together, not blaming.

• Try this: Share personal stories of growth and learning, emphasizing that seeking help is a sign of strength and dedication to the relationship’s health.

4. Suggest a trial period

Proposing a set number of sessions, such as three or four, can make the commitment seem less daunting. It introduces a temporary opportunity to evaluate the process together.

• Try this: Offer to handle all the logistics, like finding the therapist and scheduling appointments, to make the process as easy as possible for them.

5. Choose the right time to talk

Discuss the possibility of therapy during calm moments when there’s no immediate stress or conflict. This timing makes the conversation more likely to be productive.

• Try this: Plan a quiet, intimate setting where you won’t be disturbed, like during a walk or over a calm dinner at home, to bring up the topic.

6. Be transparent about your feelings

Share your own emotions and vulnerabilities related to the relationship’s issues. It’s important they see how much this means to you personally.

• Try this: Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming, such as “I feel sad when we struggle to communicate effectively, and I think therapy could help us.”

7. Lead by example

Consider starting individual therapy to demonstrate your commitment to self-improvement and the positive effects it can have, potentially encouraging your partner to join you.

• Try this: Regularly share your therapy insights and progress with your partner, highlighting how it helps you manage emotions and stress.

8. Acknowledge their fears

Validating their fears or concerns about therapy can help your partner feel understood. Discuss these fears openly and considerately.

• Try this: Directly address common myths about therapy, providing factual information to counter misconceptions and reduce anxiety.

9. Find alternatives

If traditional therapy seems too intimidating, suggest alternatives like online counseling, which might appear less formal or more convenient.

• Try this: Start with less formal support options like online forums, mobile apps, or joint sessions with a life coach to ease into the idea of professional help.

10. Stay patient and supportive

Understand that your partner may need time to warm up to the idea of therapy. Continue to be supportive, showing patience rather than frustration.

• Try this: Recognize small steps towards openness as progress and celebrate these moments to encourage a positive view of therapy.

11. Set boundaries if needed

It’s important to communicate how certain unresolved issues are affecting you. Discuss your needs clearly, which might help them see the importance of seeking help if your wife or husband refuses marriage counseling.

• Try this: Clearly define what behaviors you find unacceptable and the consequences of not addressing these issues, ensuring these are communicated in a caring manner.

12. Focus on positive outcomes

Use positive reinforcement by discussing potential benefits and positive changes that other couples have experienced through therapy, which can inspire hope and willingness to try.

• Try this: Collect testimonials or case studies of couples who have successfully improved their relationships through therapy, sharing these stories to illustrate potential positive outcomes.

Why won’t your partner won’t consider going to couples therapy?

Understanding why your partner may resist couples therapy is crucial for navigating this challenging situation. Here’s a closer look at common barriers that might prevent your partner from seeking help.

• Fear of vulnerability

Many individuals hesitate to engage in therapy due to the fear of being vulnerable, particularly in couple therapy for relationship problems. 

Opening up to a stranger about personal and intimate details of one’s life and relationship can be daunting. This fear might be even more pronounced if the person has been raised in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged.

Try saying this: 

“You know, it’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable about opening up to someone new. But therapy offers a safe space where it’s okay to be vulnerable, and everything we share is confidential. It might help us understand each other better.”

• Stigma and misconceptions

Therapy often carries a stigma, with some people believing that seeking help from a mental health professional indicates a serious problem or personal weakness. Others might think that therapy is for relationships that are on the brink of ending, not for those looking to improve or heal.

Try saying this: 

“I understand that there might be worries about what it means to go to therapy, but it’s actually a positive step towards strengthening our relationship, not a sign that something is wrong with us.”

• Denial

Sometimes, one partner may not acknowledge that the relationship is struggling or believe that the issues aren’t significant enough to require therapy. 

This denial can stem from a fear of what might be uncovered if they start digging into relationship problems. This can be particularly frustrating if you feel that your husband needs therapy but won’t go.

Try saying this: 

“It seems like we see things differently regarding our relationship issues. I feel that some guidance from a neutral person could help us both see things more clearly and improve our bond. What do you think?”

• Past experiences

If someone has had negative experiences with therapy in the past, such as a therapist who wasn’t a good fit or therapy that felt unhelpful, they might be reluctant to try again. Negative impressions can form strong biases against the effectiveness of therapy.

Try saying this: 

“I know your past experience with therapy wasn’t the best, which makes it hard to consider trying again. Maybe we could look for a therapist together this time, someone who might be a better fit for us both.”

• Financial concerns

Therapy can be expensive, and not all insurance plans cover it. The cost of sessions can be a significant barrier for many people, especially if they are unsure about the potential benefits of therapy.

Try saying this: 

“I’ve looked into the costs, and while therapy is an investment, I think the potential benefits for our relationship are worth it. We could start with a few sessions and see how it goes. Some therapists also offer sliding scales based on income.”

• Lack of time

In today’s busy world, finding time for therapy can be challenging. If both partners have demanding schedules, setting aside regular times for sessions might seem nearly impossible. This logistical hurdle can be enough to deter someone from starting therapy.

Try saying this: 

“Our schedules are really packed, but perhaps we can see this as essential as any other appointment. We could start with online sessions to make it easier to fit into our week without traveling.”

Things that you can say to a partner who won’t consider couples therapy

Introducing the idea of couples therapy to a partner who is hesitant can be delicate. Communication is key. Expressing your thoughts and feelings effectively can help ease their concerns and open up a constructive dialogue. 

Below is a table of thoughtful things you can say to encourage your partner to consider therapy, along with explanations of how these statements can positively influence their perspective and potentially lead them to be more open to the idea.

5 benefits of going to couples therapy

Couples therapy offers a myriad of benefits aimed at enhancing the quality and strength of relationships. Whether you’re facing ongoing conflicts or simply seeking to deepen your connection, engaging with a trained therapist can provide profound insights and practical tools. 

Here are some key benefits:

• Improved communication skills: Learn effective ways to communicate and truly hear each other.
• Deeper emotional intimacy: Address emotional barriers and strengthen your emotional connection.
• Conflict resolution: Develop skills to manage and resolve conflicts constructively.
• Personal growth: Both partners can experience personal development that also enriches the relationship.
• Preventative care: Address issues before they become severe, maintaining the health of the relationship.

To learn about what to expect from a therapy session, watch this video:

Summing up

If you’re unsure what to do if your partner won’t consider couples therapy, remember that initiating change begins with compassionate dialogue. Encourage your partner by expressing how therapy can positively transform your relationship. 

Understand that it’s natural for them to have reservations and address these concerns with empathy and patience. By focusing on the potential benefits, like improved communication and deeper intimacy, you can help your partner see the value in giving therapy a chance. 

Be persistent yet respectful; show your commitment to the health of your relationship. Let them know you’re in this together and that professional guidance is a step toward growth and happiness for both of you.